Different World, Different Life

I don't really write poetry anymore. Not because I don't want to or don't enjoy it Rather, simply because I seem to have had writers block for three years and can't seem to work out what to write at all. This was one of the last poems I wrote. It was inspired by a few other poems I had read, and I spent a lot of time thinking about the way of the western world. During the current financial climate, I guess it made a lot of sense. Yet still people (myself guiltily included) spend hundreds on clothes they do not need, on cars, on having the best gadget and the best types of found. Surely we've got our priorities all wrong...?

Different World, Different Life

Watching these people on our TV screens,
Individuals dying, from water unclean
So little to eat, people starving to deathS
truggling to take each and every breath

Watching in colour on our TV screens,
Conflicts all over, no one intervenes
Soldiers dying from the constant war
Watching, but still, we seem to ignore

Watching in colour on our TV screens,
Natural disasters, changing the world so green
Houses and lives destroyed by hurricanes
Bringing much sorrow, causing much pain

Watching these people on our TV screens
Then retreating back, to our daily routines
Switching off from this life outside
This consumerist world too pre-occupied

Word Cloud...

So I saw this on a friends blog and decided to have a go myself. Basically you put a link to your blog in this application and it sorts out the words you use in your blog. The big ones are the ones that appear the most. I found it really interesting. I actually find it helpful that the bigger words are the slightly more positive words that appear on there. Kind of supports the whole idea of moving on from things, and working through stuff...

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

This is ust part of a poem by Charles C. Finn. I've just taken out a bit of it. It's an amazing poem, and something I feel so often. I feel like I'm really struggling at the moment to let the gaurd down and show people my vulnerabilities. The real faces behind the farcade I so often choose to put on. Letting that down is scary. And I've still not quite fathomed out how to do it yet...


Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

Charles C. Finn

It was residential this week. I think I've finally got to a point where I have to be willing to accept that I actually do have mental health issues. And that as much as I'd like to continue denying it, I've been doing that for the last 7-9 years of my life, and it's gotten me nowhere. Sooo. Instead of just trying to get on with life and denying the way I feel, and how to deal with it, I've decided it may just be best if I actually try and deal with the underlying issues. This is hard because so far I've just had a really negative response from counsellors etc, and have got to a point where I guess I'm genuinely scared of trustsing people fully.

However, this week at residential I kind of feel like I had to be willing to start working things through and putting systems in place to enable me to even think about breaking free from the chains that seem to be keeping me down. I have worked it with course tutors and we have arranged I'll speak to one of them on a regular basis, and as well as that I'll speak to my line manager for a short period of time once a week when possible, and then have contact with the doctor and therapist, and also have all my friends who genuinely seem to love and care for me.

i guess the thing that has been most hard is to accept that all of these people genuinely care for me, and genuinely want to see me get better. I realy want to do it, but I'm so scared that I just dont have the strength, and that if I don't manage it, it will seem like I am letting people down. My course have been absolutley amazing about everything, and they worked so hard with me last week. To finally totally admit I need help, and that I'm willing to try and do as much as I can with other people if they're willing to help was probably the hardest thing in my life. For so long I've been in denial, and then although I've accepted it recently, the last two months I have been too scared to even start thinking about thinking through ways forward. But I'm ready now. I dont know whether I'll ever be 'truly happy' whatever that maybe. Maybe I will... but when I've felt like this for so long I have to be willing to at least accept I MAY always suffer from some form of mental illness. But I guess I just have to trust that there is hope and that there is people that really care. And at least with them I can at least try and start working on a way of feeling better.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to my friends in 10 minutes, but I wanted to say that God is good. God is forgiveness. God does not forgive because he has to he forgives because he wants to. I'm going to expand on this in time after an experience I had this weekend at my friends. Its an odd expereince, it may make me sound slightly weird, and people may not believe me. But I need to write it down, if not for anything else, so I can remember it, and how it has affected me.

Finding Christ Amidst the Brokenness

The last few days have been hugely insightful. Massively painful, and I fear life may be like this for a little while... but maybe I just have to accept that right? That is not me being a victim. Far from it. It's me deciding I need to deal with things, that I have avoided. It's 12am. I'm tired, and yet I cannot bring myself to even think about going to sleep until I have written this blog.

Friday night I met with K. I told him what I wanted to do my dissetation on, and he likes the idea. Is there a link between self harm and salvation? Well, to me, yes. I think there is, and I think it begins with the word brokenness. K told me about a lady he once met who used to be a sister. She had to leave the convent because her self harm was too much for the other sisters to deal with. This lady apparantly went on to explain that she could not sit in a Eucharist, because of the pain it brought her when Christ's body was broken for her. I have to say, I am on similar lines with this lady. The idea of Christ saving us, loving us that much is beyond me. I cannot accept anyone/anything would love me *that* much. Yet God does.

Slowly, over the past few weeks, I have come to realise that Christ is there, on the cross. That in my brokenness he is there. That I just need to be willing to let Him in. This is the point I fail. i deperatly desire to do this, to stop blaming him for the things that have happened, and to move on. To lay them at the foot of the cross, as I have tried so hard to do in the past.

I'm reading a book at the moment in relation to my dissertation called 'Secret Scars'. There is one quote I read last night, and literally sobbed: '...I wasnt willing to let God work in me - I didnt want him to take my coping mechanisms away. I couldn't trust him to help me feel better - I only wanted to do things my way' (Robson, 2007:53). I could have written that. In fact when I was in Taize I wrote something so similar in my journal. The way I deal with the crap life throws at me is MY coping mechanism It's my way of coping. Maybe, I do not want to deal with it in another way. maybe it's easier to ignore God, than to accept that he/she could help...

The problem is, that ignores the reason Christ died for us. It is totally ignoring Christ standing there, beside me even when my life is in shards before me. Now I know that's painful, and I know it is not so easy to accept, as to say, but I wonder if one can truly find beauty some way or another in everything. The photo at the beginning of this blog is a picture in the ruins of Coventry Cathedral. It is a photo of two beams of wood that fell in the shape of a cross, and were found like that after the WWII bombings. Even amidst the pain, hatred, and brokenness in the war, Christ was there. I find that huge.

So often we forget, yet in those times Christ does not forget us.

I just pray one day that this blog isn't a reflection on how I want to feel, but how I actually feel. that it is no longer a painful hope, but it is something I can achieve...

Taizé 2008

On Monday morning I got back from Taizé. In truth, I am still trying to process everything it meant to me this year. But I want to try and explain it as best as I can, for my own reasons more than anything. To try and process some of my thoughts and some of the experiences I had.

As I have previously said in this blog, part of me was genuinely dreading going. I expected it to be a time where I had to face up to things. A time that was painful, and a time where I would be left alone with my problems, to deal with them, and get over them. It wasn't any of those things. OK. To an extent I had to think things through. If I'm honest I didn't ever stop thinking. But it was powerful. I spoke with God. I shouted at God. And I blamed God. But still i felt close to Him. it's hard to explain, and hard to comprehend. But it was powerful. Sitting in God's presence, recognising that in fact he had not abandoned me was immense. Sitting in silence and being able to shout to God was an undeniably necessary experience. I felt guilt over it, genuinely guilty. Thinking that this was something I should not be doing. But it was necessary.

During the time I was in Taizé we spent a lot of time studying Revelation 1-3. On passage stood out to me more than anything:

'12I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, 13and among the lampstands was someone "like a son of man,"[b]dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. 14His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades' (Revelation 1:12-17). Jesus is undoubtedly fully God. But he is fully human. That in some ways is something that is simple because Christians have always been taught just that. Yet to actually accept it becomes more difficult. I guess it is something I have frequently taken for granted, but often not recognised the implications of it.

Recently I have felt out of my depths. Like God is not with me, and that he has truly abandoned me. yet here, in Revelation we are reminded of Jesus, the friend - 'When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!'. To put a hand on someones shoulder is a friendly gesture, a sign of love, of acceptance.... safety. Something I did not feel Christ was doing to me. I saw Him as God of power, the initial description of him something more reasonable. Yet in Taizé it genuinely felt like God was telling me that I should not just see Christ as this, or in fact as someone I should receive solely through the Holy Spirit. But actually that I can receive him, and see him through my friends as well. That the friends I have are there and have Christ in them, and are willing to stand by me, listen to me, and accept me for who I am.

Maybe this sounds trite. Maybe flippant, but to me it's been powerful, and a great comfort.

I do not feel as if I can explain the feelings, and way I felt in Taizé without it sounding less of an experience than it was. But is was wonderful. Yes painful, yes, in someways lonely. But it was huge. And simply life changing once again. Taizé is so simple, yet so powerful. I cannot explain it, it would not do it justice. I do not want it to come across that my faith begins and ends at Taizé , but Taizé is a place I can almost go back to the heart of it, but with Jesus, and renew my faith in Him so that I can come back home and continue living.

These last two weeks have been hugely intense. I have felt lower than I have quite possibly ever felt. more out of my depth, more lonely, and more lost than I think I have ever done so. Totally confused, and isolated.

Today has been a baby step forward. I know that this is quite clearly just a beginning, but it's a start to an end. No matter how long it takes I think today was the day of admitting defeat. Admitting that no, I can't deal with things on my own, and that yes, I do need to let God in. I'm still not quite sure how I do that. But knowing I need to is a step in the right direction. Amongst a lot of tears, and a lot of sadness there has been positive moments today. Moments that I want to cling onto for dear life because I know that it is something I can aim to achieve. No matter how long it may take.

Elenor Roosevelt once said: “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” And you know, I think she's right. I have been in complete denial for a long time about something now. Complete denial. Fooling myself into thinking it was ok and repressing it completley. And now I am realising I was wrong to do so. That unfortunatley, as painful as it may be to do so. I have to face it dead on. That in the long term, I will survive it, and that my character will grow.

This weekend

This weekend has been absolutley wonderful. I have, to an extent managed to relax a little and escape an environment that was making me think constantly. I did not stop thinking by all means, but it did enable me to put some kind of positive spin on things, which was really really helpful.

Anyway, I went to my brothers girlfriends yesterday and we went to a couple of pubs for drinkies and then back to her house and played on the Wii, watched TV and ate huge amounts of food, and drank a bit more. It really was fab. Today, we ate and drank lots more, and played more Wii and cludo.

I've managed to escape a bit over the weekend from myself, and I think I needed it. I still feel pretty shit and absolutley exhausted, but I am feeling more positive, which is definitley something that needed to happen.

Tomorrow is another day, and at the moment I'm wondering how to get through each day. Desperatly trying to busy myself, but I am feeling slightly more positive about stuff. I spoke to V on Friday and she is going to organise some more counselling for me, which is a really big step. I'm hugely scared, but I so need to face this stuff. It's the right thing to do. I also need to stop drinking. I said this after Wednesday, but it seems so far I have failed at that quite miserably. So from tomorrow I also need to cut that out. And I mean completley. Just for a couple of weeksn or so, but it's something I really need to do. I can't seem to drink without want more and more. This weekend has been ok because I've been with my brother, but generally it's just not that easy...

Taize is two weeks tomorrow. I've got to say I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I was really looking forward to it. But lots of stuff has happened and I'm not sure how I feel about spending the whole week thinking about that stuff. It's kinda hard to avoid thinking about when there's so much time there in the prayers left to reflect. I think it will do me good, and actually think it's probably come at the time I need it most, but I get so scared of actually facing upto myself. It's not all that easy. At all.

This week has absolutley flown by. I dont understand where it's gone. But on the other hand last weekend seems like years away. I feel like I've processed more this week than in the last two years put together, and my mind is on one thing only. I'm trying to focus on other stuff, but I'm failing quite miserably.

I just want it all to go away. I dont want to have to think about it anymore. I'm tired of it. I want things to go back to me seeing it as I did before. I just don't like it

Last weekend

On Friday I went back down to Reading to visit a couple of friends from my placement. It was so enjoyable and it was so lovely to see the people I got on with. But it was really intenese and really tiring on my emotions. I guess being in that place made me think of things I went through when I was down there, and how much I have changed since I was there, but it also made me realise there was a lot of crap I was yet to face. It's left me feeling very confused, totally withdrawn, and not really sure where to go with everything.

I guess since I have left that church I have been left with the real negatives I expereinced whilst down there and not a lot of the positives. The negative comments people made about me have stuck whilst the other stuff has subsided. So going back, was hard. It made me go back to all of that negativity I felt about the place, and I genuinely felt like most people there hated me. I don't think this was necessarily true to the extent I felt it was, but I think there was an element of truth in it, and I've found that something really hard to deal with. I've changed a lot in these last two years, and hoped that people would see that whilst I was there, but I just felt like I reverted back to old ways while I was there, and in some ways now that I've left, which really makes me raise the question of just how over all of this I actually am.

I think it had a massive impact on how I view my faith as well. I guess for a long time I have thought that I have been putting all my faith in God, when actually, since going to Reading I wonder if I have been disregaurding him for a while. I mean, I rarely pray anymore or think about it my faith, and the impact it has on my life, I just get on with my job on auto-pilate. Which is not ideal in the slightest. I think I need to take some time out to reflect on my faith, and also my actions, as lately they have not been so good. The problem is, is that when I do that I end up facing myself. I'm not sure if I want to do that...

'People are taking the piss out of you every day. They butt into your life, take a cheap shot at you and then disappear. They leer at you from tall buildings and make you feel small. They make flippant comments from buses that imply you're not sexy enough and all the fun is happening somewhere else. They are on TV making your girlfriend feel inadequate. They have access to the most sophisticated technology the world has ever seen and they bully you with it. They are the advertisers and they are laughing at you' - Banksy

I dont think this really needs an explanation. Says enough...

21st Birthday and other randoms

It was my 21st birthday on Friday. It was absoultey wonderful and all my friends made it so special for me. I went to Bradgate Park with B, L, and J and it was so much fun. It was just a really special day :) We had a picnic, and then we played frisbee, and on the space hopper and I just felt like such a child. It was just wonderful. In the evening A came up and we had a bit of a girly night before going out to Mosh with the rest of the group. Had such an awesome night and didn't even get drunk, which is highly unusual for me. I dunno, I was just so happy and there was no need. I didn't want to lose what was such a special day/night for me.

On Saturday I went home and saw my family. I miss them. I don't go home often enough and I miss my mum, dad, brother, sister, nephew and brother in law all so much. I've got a really amazing family, and they're so special to me. I just dont see them anywhere near as much as I'd like. I spent some really quality time with my mum and dad and then had a family get together on Sunday. Bar a few down right out of order comments from my grandparents and aunties, it was really lovely.

I came home on Sunday night and I've got to say I've felt pretty lonely and run down ever since. I dunno. I've been thinking lots about being single recently, and I dont like it. I have developed so much as a person over the last year, and I'm ready to move on from the past. Problem is, the only guy that treated me right was my ex. Apart from that, I've been so let down by men, and to be honest, I'm not sure how much I trust them. I thought I did, but then you get let down again...

I just hate being lonely. And no. Thats not the reason I want to be in a relationship by any means, but it'd just be so nice to be loved/love someone.

On a brighter/funnier note, I looked at some of the stupid things I've said at college that someone has put on facebook today. It made me laugh lots. I didn't realise I was quite as dippy as these portray me!! :

Sarah- "I'm not wisdom here"
Sarah- "There's an index in the yellow pages?"
Sarah- Is there a difference between a left handed and a right handed frisbee?" (everyone laughs) "no, seriously?"
Sarah- "what part of the chicken do chicken balls come from?"
"Sarah- "how can cricketers be death?"
"Sarah- "can fish drown?"
"Sarah- "That's because we're Christians, we don't like change"
"Sarah- "I've never heard George Bush say Yo"
Sarah- "Bruce, wheres the toast for the toaster?"
Sarah- "I didn't know you could get wing mirrors in asda!"
Sarah- "It's Christmas in a biscuit!" (about Dave's cinammon biscuits)

yes. I think I quite probably did say all of these, and yes, there were all totally innocent coments. I so need to think about things before I open my mouth...

Putnam - Bowling Alone

So. I've just spent the last however long writing an essay on Social and Political Contexts. Something I highlighted in the essay was the idea of Social Capital and the demographic sprawl of recent years. I've just been reading through my blog subscriptions and what do I find but an update on someones blog about just this: http://www.theopraxis.net/archives/2008/06/bridging_connec.html

Here's a quote from his entry:

I think that this loss of bridging connections is connected to the decline of geography as a defining characteristic of a community. Think about it this way - my neighbors are the people in my social sphere with whom I am least likely to have commonality - the only thing that connects us is geography, and to a certain extent socioeconomic status. In my neighborhood are people of varying ethnicities, political persuasions, religious beliefs, interests, and life history. What do we have in common? Primarily that we live in a particular community (and to some extent that we can afford to live in a certain community). And, out of all of those neighbors, I know maybe half a dozen, and of those we are really connected with only one family in any real sense.
Our relationships have shifted to become more of a social network connected by shared interests or identity. In other words, the connections that I think most of us in suburban contexts hold are primarily bonding relationships - connections that are a result of commonality. I know and interact with people with whom I have much in common. And I rarely encounter those with whom I don't in any meaningful way.

What does this mean for a missional faith in suburbia? It means, primarily, that the most radical of missional imperatives - things like loving the enemy, showing hospitality to the stranger, and demonstrating unity in the cruciform love of Christ - are precisely the imperatives that are most difficult to practice in a suburban context.

Some interesting issues are raised here and it is something I touched on in my essay with regards to my placement. My placement is in a relaively deprived area yet attracts a majority of middle class people. Why is this? Part of me wonders if it is because it is so welcomming at the thology attracts that kind of person. The huge crossover comes with the young people who use the areas around the church to hang around. They are from an entirely different social class, and those who attend the church either havent got a clue how to respond to the young people or are worryingly, scared of them. As Christians we should be responding in a possitive way. Showing love to them, and not judging them, yet this is just not happening? Of course, these are quite often the most difficult things to practice in a suburban context, as the writer of this blog says. However, surely as Christians we should at least be trying?

Then on the other hand I am wondering if I am just as bad for condeming the people who attend church on Sundays becuase of their judgement. Am I just as bad for judging these people as they are for judging the young people? Possibly. But how can we get around this and have a positivie impact on suburbia?

This is something that God has really put on my heart, and I so want to have the answers, but I just don't. Ulitmatley I am aware that my theology is solely based on loving and accepting others no matter what that means. How I do that in a place where there is such demographic sprawl is beyond me

Maybe it's just the alcohol talking but...

Sooo. I've been through the usual up and downs recently, and I've questioned everything from my existance, to why I am in Leicester, to if anyone really gives a shit about me at all. But. I've been at the Street Pastors AGM tonight, and it was wonderful. It made me realise just how many people I know in Leicester. I don't know if those people really care that much about me or not, but it made me realise how settled I am here, and how much I've learnt to love this place.

I sat there at the beginning, and it was just horrible. I didn't recognise anyone there, and then after the talks I started chatting to loads of people, people I didn't know, but loads of people I did, people I have not chatted to in aaages, and had almost forgotton about. It was just wonderful. The AGM was nice. Good to hear about the Street Pastors updates and also to socialise and share food with others. I've just walked home. It's only a five minute walk away from where I live, and yet I met so many people I knew or recognised.

I picked up a couple of sandwiches from the food left over (I hate left overs!) for my lunch tomorrow, and then saw Lisa a homeless girl in Leicester on the way back, so I gave them to her, and we had a really lovely chat. Just short, and the usual stuff, but it was lovely. I then saw a few people from the EAGA Gospel Choir walking down the road. They'd obviously just been to a practice as they meet on Tuesday nights and they were singing. It was awesome! Then to top things off I saw B from the Cathedral. She's a mate of mine. It was just amazing.

I just realised just how much I loved Leicester and the importance of all those people I recognise. It was so nice.

I've been weighing up the option of changing placements from this coming September or not, and then I have a night like tonight. The Cathedral feels right, and then I see all those people and it makes the whole thing seem right. It's not the ideal, no. But no matter how few friends I have, I like it here. I've settled here, and I don't want to move until the end of my degree.

After much thought and deliberation...

After a long process, painful thoughts, much procrastinating I have finally managed to write a journal adressing the thoughts of my last post. I have also included lots of thoughts from previous blogs and stuff, so I have put a link to downloading it here. If you fancy a read, please do!

http://download.yousendit.com/DED8B8EC75E006CA

Two things...

1. I wish there was someone I could talk to

2. Scouting for Girls are shit. Seriously.

Nothing can ever come between us and the love of God...

So, I'm supposed to be writing a journal for college at the moment, and I'm failing. It's a theological reflection one, and I was doing a bit of research for quotes etc. So actually, I'm not exactly failing, I just got side tracked, and I think I need to vent it out on here before I turn it into a journal. I think I need to put it down in raw terms first, and then dress it up a bit... so here we go.

I've been thinking lots these last few weeks about failure. My inability to have confidence in myself, and the sheer ability I have to turn every positive into a negative. To transform beauty into ugliness. I don't know. I'm not talking about anything in particular, maybe just everything.

In essence, I'm struggling with things a lot lately. Maybe I'm spending too much time contemplating and reflecting on things for my own good. Or maybe I'm right about it all. Who knows. I just know I need to get it all off my chest. So here goes nothing...

So, after Spring Harvest 2005 I realised that God was calling me to youth work, and that it wasn't just something I desired to do. I'd applied to Occupational Therapy at university thinking that it was what I wanted to do, but deep down I knew that I wanted to do youth work and that it was where God was leading me. Now I dont think God has one path for us, I think he can use any we take and transform them into something beautiful, as long as we are also willing to put in the time and the effort. But on this occasion, I knew I needed to cancel my uni applications and go into youth work. So I took a gap year. Honestly? That gap year was living hell. I hated every minute of it, and failed at it quite miserably. There was one or two people who were amazing supportive, and I'm still friends with them to this day. Had it not have been for them, and the grace of God I've absolutley no idea where I would be today. Somehow I got to the end of that year and still felt I was being called to do youth work so I started this degree. I love my placement, and I love the work, but I can't help but think I am still failing. I have no regular youth work happening, everything that was going on in my placement last year has crumbled since J left and I'm left wondering what the hell to do.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for youth work, or if this was all just a hope/dream of mine, and nothing to do with God. I've learnt a lot over these years about myself, and I've learnt lots about youth work, but I can't help but feel if I'm absolutley crap at it. I just wonder how it'll turn out when I get my first full time youth work job after this degree. With no regular youth work experience am I going to feel equipped enough to deal with it?

While I've been on this degree I think I've felt a series of emotions I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel. I've gone from being on top of the universe to the depths of depression. I've felt loved, I've felt lost, and I've felt compeltley numb. Maybe this is all part of me being moulded into a stronger person. But if I'm honest I'm not sure how much more I can deal with. I've become stronger already. At the moment I don't want to be any stronger. I just want to get on with life without thinking about unimaginable stuff all the time. I dont want to keep thinking I'm failing miserably, or that I cant do my job, or that the people at work think I'm a waste of space, and genuinely cant stand me. The problem is, at the moment that's the truth to me. No matter what people say, that's the truth. In my heart I dont know if this is what other people are saying, but in my head it feels that is all they're saying. I just dont know how to get over it.

I've realised I'm not actually super woman. I've realised I need a break, and that I'm losing all ability to hold thing together, and act happy even though I'm not.

Truth is I'm exhausted. I am in desperate need of a break before I have a complete breakdown. Problem I've got, I just dont have time to have a break this next week.

I'm so so tired and emotional

Homeless and Hospitality

Last night I did Street Pastors. In all honesty, I didn't want to go out. Staying at home or going to MOSH both seemed far more appealing. Yet, as always, I came away feeling both refreshed and challenged, thankful, yet sad, contemplative of my own actions, and others.

I had a conversation with S, a man whose homeless. J went and get him a cup of coffee while I sat with him chatting. It opened my eyes immensely to what it was like to be homeless. He was bitter cold, hungry, and had nowhere to go. This is all fairly obvious stuff, but the things you kind of forget about are the insults they receive, the fact that people just walk past without saying a word to them, looking in the opposite direction, or avoiding all eye contact with them pretending they've not seen them.

Now, I'm guilty of the above. I frequently walk on by and ignore them or look in the opposite direction, and having talked to S last night I felt genuinely awful about it. He said that he felt some people were just so ignorant towards him, that they just walked on by and didn't say a word to him. He'd say things like 'have a good night' to passers by and get no response. Again, I'm guilty of the above. So the question I raise is what is better, acknowledging them, but not giving money, feeling obliged to give money/buy them a coffee, or just ignore them? After last night, I've realised I can't go on ignoring them. It's hurtful, and no matter how many times homeless people get ignored I can't imagine it hurts any less. It's rejection. No one likes the feeling of rejection do they?

My problem is, what do you do? One could give to a homeless charity and then walk by and greet the people, but then there's guilt and obligation to give to them as an individual. You could buy them a coffee or a big issue...Now I've been guilty of buying more than one of the same big issue before now off different vendors because I feel so awful that I've already brought one off the guy down the road that I have to buy another one... so we could end up spending money we just cant really afford to spend... so I'm stuck... anyone got any suggestions?

I guess, I was stuck on this one till today, and it's been something I've been reflecting on a lot throughout the day. I went to a relatively local Cathedral to see what youth provisions they have there, and the guy I was supposed to be meeting didn't turn up. I've got to say I was pretty annoyed. I'd spent an hour on the bus getting there, spent money to get there, given up my only day off this week to get there, just to be told he wasn't there and they couldn't get hold of him. Honestly? I wasn't at all impressed. I was less impressed by the fact the people who I spoke to were so unhelpful and unapologetic. Yes, there's only so much they can do, and no, it wasn't their fault, but they could have welcomed me there, instead of sent me packing knowing I'd just had an hour long journey to be told the person wasn't there. Anyway, I was sat down just getting myself ready to leave and a local URC minister asked me if I wanted to join their shared lunch. A group of people from a URC church down south somewhere had come to visit the Cathedral for the day, and this minister who was from a local URC Church had come to the Cathedral to welcome them, and share lunch with them. He welcomed me, talked to me, and shared his lunch with me. A small gesture, yes? But you know what, it meant the absolute world to me. The fact that everyone had literally turned their back on me, and been most unhelpful genuinely upset me, and disheartened me. Are Christians not meant to be welcoming and hospitable? Yet this one man successfully managed to wipe out all of that I felt. These people I'd never met before fed me. I ate so much food, and it was all from people from churches miles away.

My point is, it takes one tiny gesture to change a persons day. They had huge amounts of food, and letting me share that with them was nothing, and yet to be welcomed in that way, by others who weren't even from that church was immense. Mother Theresa once said:

'What we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. I do not agree with the big way of doing things.'

In my experience this is so true. Those little things that people do on a frequent basis are so much more important to me than a one of grand gesture.

So maybe, we should not necessarily be thinking about giving half of our money to homeless or, spend huge amounts of money trying to pull off a big event for our young people. Though we can do that it is not always necessary. A simple stopping and talking to, or greeting someone on the streets, buying a homeless person a coffee, or bag of chips, or listening to our young people intently seem to have far more of an impact. It takes so little out of our time to do an act of random kindness yet the amount it touches another person is incredible. That's certainly not to say we should be doing kind things to benefit ourselves, but it is so nice to see other people happy. One small drop can make someones day. That man today made mine, and I think the guy who brought that homeless man a bag of chips yesterday made his. It takes nothing to do that. Nothing.

Think about it eh?

Lack of updates

Well, I've not been updating this bloggy on a frequent basis for quite some time now. That's for numerous reasons. Partly because I've nothing of importance to say/reflect on, I'm stupidly busy, and... I'm happy.

I finished my counselling sessions on Wednesday. Partly because I was getting sick of them, and parlty because I genuinely didn't feel like I had much to say to her anymore. I was telling her I used to have weight issues when I was a teenager the other day, and she called me large. Hmm. I dont think she meant it how it came accross, but to me that's a really insensitve comment as a counseller, and that's just one example. So, yeah, I gave up on it. It was a waste of time really, and I dont have much time to waste at the moment!

Anyway, I've had a lovely day today, - S's baptism this morning, and then Prayers with Songs this afternoon. It all got me thinking about Taize again. I know I go on about it, and I probably sound like a broken record, but it changed my life. Dramatically. I can't express how, and I want to be able to, but it really has changed me. I guess the main way is that I have a desire to live now. Which is pretty huge really. Ok, so I'm not happy all the time, but then who is? But the matter of fact is, I actually want to live life, no matter what it throws at me, and that really is big.

The problem being, I guess that I wanna live life, and I want to rebel a bit. After all, isn't that what being 20 and being at uni is about? I quite often feel like I dont have that opportunity as much with the degree I'm doing. So when I do, I go all out, and then wonder whether that was the right thing to do. We chatted about what the ideal Christian should do the other day at college. It was the same old stuff - don't get drunk, don't sleep around, don't waste money, blah blah blah. Ok so I don't sleep around, but I get drunk, I waste money, and I do pretty much everything else on the list, that I apparantly shouldnt be doing. Sigh... So I raised this with my group, and also raised the fact that I'm thoroughly enjoying life, and what I'm doing with it, and have also previously had some absolutley awesome conversations about my faith with people when I've been in MOSH. I basically got knocked down a peg, and was told that it was a dangerous life to lead, and that by doing that it was causing big dips in my faith. I disagree with this greatly.

My faith is the most important thing in my life, but to be quite honest, the concept of the ideal Christian life bores me stupid. I did that from the age of 10-19... It seems like the Christian ideal means you can't go out and have any fun no matter what that may entail, or you can but dont forget, it has to be in moderation... I know that's not actually the case, but that's how it feels, and yet if I go out and have the wrong kind of fun I eel judged beyond belief. Who are they to judge though eh? God is the ultimate judge. So why is it then, that sometimes it doesn't feel like it?

I'm truly sorry if you dont like the way I live, or the fact I am a realist. I'm sorry if you think I'm too liberal, or that my way isnt the right way. It probably isn't. But you know, I live out my faith by loving others, and listening to them. I don't do it by condeming their actions, and I'm not going to let people condemn mine. Yet somehow it seems that in the very nature of this post I am letting people condemn my actions, and letting it tear apart my beliefs, and what I stand for.

In essence Christianity confuses me greatly, and most of the time I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian. Not because I'm ashamed of my faith or what I believe, far from it. But because I'm ashamed of the portrayal of Christians in todays society. Asking numerous people what the concept of being a Christian is, and they don't respond with "to love", they respond with "to judge". Why have we let this amazing proclomation of love, life, and ultimate sacrifice, become nothing more than judgement? As I have previously said, God is the ultimate judge, we should love others no matter what.

Reflection on Little Miss Sunshine

Last week Bob came over, and we cooked, and watched Little Miss Sunshine. I absolutley adore this film, becuase I think there's an element of everyone of us in at least one of those characters. I like the fact that a film has been made up of a real (I want to say dysfunctional, but then I think we're all that to an extent) family. After the film Bob and I went for a walk. It was absolutley chucking it down with rain. I like those walks. Anyway. It got me thinking a lot, and I've meant to blog since then, but with being really busy, then ill, I kind of just didn't get round to it.

There is so much of this film that stands out to me in so many ways, but one particular part is quoted as follows:

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.

Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

Although said in a fairly flippant way, there is a hell of a lot of depth behind what is being said, and it's made me think a lot about my own life, and the downs and ups. Between that and counselling bringing things to the surface that I hadn't thought about in years, I have been left feeling relatively confused of late. About the past, about some of the things my family has gone through over the last 5 or 6 years, and about how it has been dealt with.

I generally love life, and I generally strive to make the most out of it, friends, family, work, faith, whatever, I want to take hold of it and live it to the full. But by doing that opens up a whole can of worms, and I've got to say as much as I love living life, I do get down fairly easy. Generally this isn't a long term thing, I throw a tantrum, get up, wipe myself clean and move on...

But my family, like pretty much all families has gone through some shit. And it's not been good at all. It's tired me out, it's dragged me down, and left me feeling like life is all pointless, and a complete waste of time/energy. Yet it's in those times that I've learnt most about myself, and my faith in God. In those times I generally completley abandon God, or shout at him a lot. The best thing about that though is that He doesn't abandon me. He's right there, beside me all the way, and I think that that is just the most awesome thing. Happiness is amazing, and is not a waste at all, it should be taken and lived. But I also think sadness should. I like that idea. I like the idea of grabbing it with both hands and embracing it. Welcome the learning I am going to receive and what else it may change about me, and just walk through it.

Ok, so it really isn't that easy is it? Generally I dont walk through it, or embrace it. Instead, I hide in bed and shout at God over it. I would LOVE to be one of these people who can see the positive in a negative situation I am going through myself. Instead I crumble at the first hurdle and make it well known I have crumbled to those around me. So the question I'm left with I guess, is how do I remind myself in the crap times that things are going to get better, and that it's a great learning curve, when all I want to do is run in the opposite direction?! I dont think it's that easy, but I do find it an exciting challenge. A challenge I always fail at miserably. But one day, by the grace of God, I really want to succeed.

life, and stuff kinda hurts a lot really, doesn't it?