Friday 23 October 2009

Week Off

Well it's half term this week, and I've kindly been given it off. It's nice to have some time off, but I must admit I'm at a bit of a loss in terms of what to do with it, and glad it's nearly over! It's given me lots of time to think and reflect on the past few months, and my new job, which has actually been really helpful. I don't feel like I've had anywhere near as much time to reflect on my faith, and on theology since I finished my degree, and I've found that quite difficult. It's something which is key to me in everything I do - especially my job, and it's been hard not to have that time, or place where I can discuss with others.

Speaking of my course, I graduated last week. It was such a special day. It was in London in a place in Westminster. I got all the official photos through the other day, but out of all of them I think this has to be my favourite. The graduation ceremony was really special, and I had a great day, but I don't think I really realised how well I'd done to get a first until I got the photos through this week. It made me sit back and reflect on all the work I'd done, and how ill I'd been over the last year. I had extension after extension, and changed my dissertation topic three or four times, but I still managed to do it, and come out with a first, and that means a lot to me.

In the evening of the day Bob took to me Gordon Ramsay's Maze Grill. It was sooo nice. The food was fantastic, as was the company :) I'm so glad I've got Bob. He's everything to me.

I've been reflecting a lot on the youth work project this week, and sometimes I feel a bit out of my depths with it all, wondering if I really am capable of it. I came accross this cartoon on Asbo Jesus earlier:

Its made me think a lot about how young people see the church, and how a church which has very little contact with young people can work more closely with them in the future, to help knock down the barriers and views that church is fuddy duddy, or guilt trips you, or is full of expectations. Of course there are churches out there like that. I so often look at these cartoons and think 'I agree'. But if I agree, then surely I should be doing something about it. Especially in the role of Church Youth Worker. But it isn't always that easy to change people's perception, and it isn't always easy to make that initial contact with young people, especially when there is a perception there that Christians are judgemental.

I love my job, and I feel that I've done really well in the last few months to get to a point where I'm in the local high school, making contact with the primary schools, and working with the youth group already there. But I am left wondering 'what next'. And I guess that's where I've really got to pray about my options, and get to it.

Monday 7 September 2009

Taize, Archbishop of Cantebury, The job and Delilah

Things have been crazy busy ever since moving. They've slowly started to calm down, but things have been intense, and although starting to calm down, still rather hectic!

The first week of August I went to Taize for my third year. This time was different for a variety of reasons. Bob came, which was brilliant. I've been longing to share that experience with him ever since I first went, and no matter how good they are, a prayers with songs service can never be the same as Taize. You aren't surrounded by 4000 other people for starters. There isn't the simplicity that Taize offers, there are people from all over the world there, and it's just a massively powerful experience. It was different because since Taize last year I've been forced to face reality in many ways. Experiences I wanted to pretend never happened, and my self esteem which is destructively low. Last September I was encouraged to go to the doctors by a few people. It's the first time I'd been with mental health issues in well over two and half years, and I wasn't really very happy about having to go. But at that point, it was that, or take my own life, and so I guess where I was at a point of sheer desperation rather than much else... But I went. And I'm glad to say I have been blessed with a very good doctor and an amazing therapist, who are both still seeing me now. So taize was a place where I came back to, a year on, re-reading things I had written one, and two years prior to that. It was a place where I reflected on comments I made in my journal such as 'for the first time in my life, I've realised God loves me, not based on who I am, but the fact I am HIS creation, his child'. I thought about the fact I had such a negative outlook on my life, and myself, and how this could be changed.

This reflection was painful. I think things like that, where you're forced to look at what you see, and what other people see always are. Yet I had to do it, and Taize was a place where I was able to do it safely.

One of the biggest reasons it had been so different to the two years prior however, was due to Archbishop Rowan Williams being there. He arrived on the Thursday morning and stayed there with his family until the Sunday after Eucharist. It was immense, and greatly though provoking. I felt amazing priveledged to be there at the same time, as someone who is seen as both a great theologian, and so high up in the church of England. We got to see him preside a Eucharist in the church or reconcilliation, talk on Thursday evening, and have a question and answer session with him.

He said a number of things which will stick with me, but two which I hold onto, and reflect on a lot, both in terms of the life I live as a Christian, and as the person I see myself to be. I guess these two things SHOULD be inter-twined, and yet this is frequently where I fail. I'm the first to admit it how negatively I view myself, yet the last to want to admit that it's wrong of me to do that, as Gods child. When he talked about the Transfiguration, he reflected on what it means to be a Christian, and commented 'To be a Christian is to everday look into the face of Jesus... If we learn to look into the face of Christ everyday, we may see the face of our neighbour'. So often I reflect on the pain and suffering Jesus suffered, the love He had for us all to be able to do that. And yet I seem to by-pass the idea that Christ is within us. We can see him both in the face of our neighbour, as they should see him in us. Maybe I need to get to a point where I can see him in myself also? Get to a point where I can love myself. The greatest commandment is to love God and our neighbour as ourselves, yet how can I claim to do those things, see Christ in them if first I cannot love myself. I have so much work to do on it, and yet it seems I always fall at the first hurdle. My prayer at the moment, is that God continues to pick me up, and that I can race through.

I guess that brings me onto the second thing that stays with me very clearly. And that is his comment on prayer. Prayer is something I have always struggled with, as all Christians at many points do. How do we know if God has answered a prayer, how should we pray, more to the point, what is prayer. He said

'Prayer is like a river between Jesus and the Father. When we drop into that stream, it is like we're dropping into thar fast flowing water, and being carried along'

It was such a powerful metaphor, and yet something I had never considered up until that point. That idea of Jesus being the river, that communicant between the Father and ourselves. Being carried, in the way the Bible so often refers to. It was beautful, and made me realise just how important prayer is in our christian lives, and how important it is we trust we will not drown, but float.

We got back from Taize on August 10th, and I've got to admit work has been difficult since then. I've found it so hard to adjust to working from home. I know it takes time, and I know I must learn, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I guess that's where it is crucial I hold onto my relationship with God. Especially those key, restoring moments like Taize.

One thing that has made it that little bit easier to work from home - a bit of company is having a cat. We got her last tuesday, so she's still quite unsettled, and not the biggest fan of love and cuddles. I hope that changes in time, but equally, I know all cats do not like it, so I would never push the issue with her. The main thing is, she is beautiful, and she's massively theraputic. Her names Delilah, shes 10 months old and a persian cross.

Not really much else to report on. Life is slowly ticking by, and stuff is pretty good. Bob's basically moved in officially now, and it's completley wonderful to have him round. We went to North Wales on August bank holiday which was very much needed - I'd not been on holiday since I was 17, and we also had my nephew a few weeks ago on Bobs birthday weekend. We had an amazing weekend, and it meant the world to me that Bob got just as involved, and on his birthday. I love him so much. I just couldnt be without him.

Monday 13 July 2009

New job and other things

So I've now moved house, and changed job etc. I've got to say, for one reason or another the last couple of months have been stressful. Bobs Grandma died which was quite difficult, whilst it was expected in some ways, it's still upsetting, and there was a lot for him to sort on top of his new job which was pretty stressful for him. My nan was pretty ill. She had to have a lump removed from her gall bladder. They're pretty sure it was cancerous. She had to have some ofher liver taken away as well, just in case it had spread. We're hoping that they got it all in time, but only time will tell.

My nan's brilliant. They've been through a lot over the years. I rarely speak to them, and since it's all happened, I've really tried to make a bit more of a effort. They've caused a lot of pain and upset over the years for us all, but deep down they mean so well. I care so much for them, and it was awful when we found all this out. Was so worried.

Money was really tight for a while, Bob was out of work, and I didn't have a lot, because my student loan had kind of dwindled. It was stressful to say the least, and the pressures of having to find a deposit and first months rent for a house was difficult, but my parents and Leicester diocese were awesome, and now I'm slowly paying them back bit by bit. We struggled for a while, and basicially just brought food, and not much else, but we managed, and have been really blessed since. Bob was really fortunate to get some money from his grandma, and we've managed to put a bit of it towards a HD tv. It was our one big treat, and we felt rather guilty about such a splurge, but it's good, and we feel very blessed, and like we deserve it.

A couple of friends of ours (Bob's mainly) accused me of taking money from them a couple of months ago. That was really difficult to deal with. The one thing I hold most important to me in both my personal and professional life is integrity, and it hurts to think anyone could think I was capable of anything like that. I'm a pretty open person and wilst there's things I don't tell a lot of people, a lot of tht comes down to trust, and past experienes I've had of foolishly trusting people. Because of that though, I know how important trust is, and I just couldn't do that kind of thing. I guess the thing that upsets me the most from the whole situation is that Bob's lost friends who he'd been really close to for a long time. That pains me. And the one thing that I keep trying to get my head around is why would I risk Bob's and my friendship with them, and with myself for one moment of blind weakness? I wouldn't. Money was tight, and I can totally understand and accept why they could think it was me, but I love Bob more than anything. The relationship I have with him means the world to me, and I'd never do anything to hurt him or the friendships he has. I'd also found two people I genuinely cared for, and trusted. It upsets me, they didn't trust me as much as I initally thought.

The past few months have been so painful for Bob and I, and I keep re-living bits of it over. I guess it's easy to do. The thing we've learnt most though is what an amazing team we are. How right the relationship is. We laugh lots about how we were ever friends. It's bizarre to think of! I'm so happy he's in my life in the way he is. He's just wonderful, and is slowly helping me to believe in myself.

I'm so proud of him. He's doing amazing in his new job, and we're really building a life together up.

I guess the most important thing to us now is leaving the past behind us and moving forward together. Sometimes that's dificult, especially when things have happened which we can't change and are beyond our control. The one thing I feel sure of though, is that the place we are in now is very God given. We are both in jobs we want to be in, and I have a beautiful house, which is slowly becomming ours. We're happy together, and the future with Bob brings nothing we can't handle together and with God

Tuesday 23 June 2009

everythings changing

I've not updated this in a long time. Things are good, but I've got to say really scary. I left my job on Friday. I was offered a job as a youth worker in a small parish church in Leicestershire. I'm so excited about starting it, but it's a lot of change, and with issues around my mental health etc, it's a scary change. I keep wondering if I'm ready for it. I totally believe it's where God is calling me to be, and I believe I can do it. I guess I doubt myself, and don't feel like I can stay above water with it all. I guess it's a matter of keeping faith, isn't it?

I've just finished college. I still have my dissertation to do which is frustrating because everyone else has finished theirs. I keep thinking about how I'd be feeling now if I'd managed to hand it in when everyone else did, but I guess it just wasn't ever going to happen, and it's a matter of remembering why.

I'm moving house this afternoon. I'm so excited about it, but really scared!!

Thats about it for now... I want to do a proper update at some point, but have been a bit too busy of late... I'll definitley get back into blogging soon!

Monday 23 March 2009

...or so they say

Ok, so something has been really confusing me of late. People keep telling me how amazing and wonderful I am, and I just don't get it. Am I actively seeking it out? I don't think so? Am I down at the moment? Yes. But that doesn't mean I want peope to feel sorry for me, and it certainly doesn't mean I expect people to sing my praises, because I don't.

I just don't get it. Surely they are lying? I'm no better than the average human being. I *am* the average human being... I really don't get it. I've had three or four people say it to me just in the last three days and I've been horrible person to be around.

I am suffering from mental health issues, and I feel it is important to be open about those to an extent. Sure, most of the people who know me, know I suffer from chronic depression, few know much else, and I don't want people to know much else. I don't like people knowing the ins and outs of why I feel this way. What I am willing to share with people is the pain it causes me, and the pain it causes those closest to me. The one thing I desperatly want to do is help people. The stuff I've been through hasn't been pleasant, and if I can possibly do one thing with it, it will be use it to help others, relate to others, and accept others no matter what they are going through, trying to treat the in the best possible way enabling them to get better, and to break free from the shackles that bound them in such a debilitating illness. One of the most profound images for me is that of the wounded healer. To be as Christ. The great pain and humilation He suffered was for us. No one can relate to us better than Christ Himself. Yet it is only through him being fully human, and through the suffering he went through that he can understand and accept us.

Yet I do not think it is that simple. We cannot just be the wounded healer, and help others through our own pain without first enabling those wounds to heal. For those wounds to become scars so that they cannot open, and they cannot cause us pain, apart from that dull itch, the dull reminder, of what once happened to us. It is not fair for us to help others until we have helped ourselves. We cannot be the person that goes in and fixes things, unless we have first focused on repairing the deep wounds we suffer from. I know there is a great amount of healing I need to go through before I can be the wounder healer, but I do realise that even now there are parts of my story that can help others, andI need to be willing to embrace those, and use those to help others.

The fact is though, that does not make me amazing. It doesn't. And I don't understand why peope think it does. I'm doing what any half decent human being would do. Making something beautiful out of sheer misery. I want to be a person my friends can depend on, turn to in a crisis, knowing I will not turn them away. Whatever I am personally going through, I want to put that to one side and allow people to be real with me, show me their truth, their story, and their pain. God has put that in me. It's part of my ministry, if you like... That doesn't make me amazing, just a person wanting to dedicate their life to God

Sunday 22 March 2009

Broken Reflections

I've not updated this blog in a long time. Partly this has been because I've just not been sure what to say, but I think some of it is about where I've been at. I've either been majorly happy, or majorly low. Mostly the second if I'm honest. I just want to experience some kind of inbetween the two extremities for any period of time.

The last few weeks have been difficult. I'm at the lowest point I think I've ever been, and it's horrible. I don't want to be here, and neither do I feel like I have any right to be here... I'm just so low though.

One of our college modules this term was Human Personhood Through Popular Art. I didn't really engage in any of the lectures at all, however I really enjoyed the assignment. It was to create a piece of art. The picture here is a photo of what I did. I smashed a mirror and placed it on a large piece of white chipboard, over a burst a colour. It's supposed to represet Christ's death and ressurection, and the fact that whilst the image we see of ourselves is in shards, through Christ God is desperatly trying to piece us back together, trying to mould us into the beings he created, and so longs for us to be.

The red right at the centre of the cross represnts Christ's blood, and the purple around the outside, and the shape of the burst of colour represent the purple robe he was placed in and the crown of thornes placed upon his head. The humilation and he suffered is beyond human comprehension, and yet still, he went through this to re-unite us with the Father, to enable us, in all of our brokenness to come back to the foot of the cross, and bow our heads in prayer.

Nouwen writes: ‘Our life is full of brokenness---broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives’ (Nouwen, 1996:123). I guess often I focus on my own brokenness, the immense pain I suffer from my depression, and yet I forget I am living in a world full of brokenness, a world full of resentment, and bitterness. The only way this can possibly be overcome is by returning into the grace of the Father...