Voice of Confusion

Week Off

2009-10-23T10:22:00.005Z

Well it's half term this week, and I've kindly been given it off. It's nice to have some time off, but I must admit I'm at a bit of a loss in terms of what to do with it, and glad it's nearly over! It's given me lots of time to think and reflect on the past few months, and my new job, which has actually been really helpful. I don't feel like I've had anywhere near as much time to reflect on my faith, and on theology since I finished my degree, and I've found that quite difficult. It's something which is key to me in everything I do - especially my job, and it's been hard not to have that time, or place where I can discuss with others.

Speaking of my course, I graduated last week. It was such a special day. It was in London in a place in Westminster. I got all the official photos through the other day, but out of all of them I think this has to be my favourite. The graduation ceremony was really special, and I had a great day, but I don't think I really realised how well I'd done to get a first until I got the photos through this week. It made me sit back and reflect on all the work I'd done, and how ill I'd been over the last year. I had extension after extension, and changed my dissertation topic three or four times, but I still managed to do it, and come out with a first, and that means a lot to me.

In the evening of the day Bob took to me Gordon Ramsay's Maze Grill. It was sooo nice. The food was fantastic, as was the company :) I'm so glad I've got Bob. He's everything to me.

I've been reflecting a lot on the youth work project this week, and sometimes I feel a bit out of my depths with it all, wondering if I really am capable of it. I came accross this cartoon on Asbo Jesus earlier:

Its made me think a lot about how young people see the church, and how a church which has very little contact with young people can work more closely with them in the future, to help knock down the barriers and views that church is fuddy duddy, or guilt trips you, or is full of expectations. Of course there are churches out there like that. I so often look at these cartoons and think 'I agree'. But if I agree, then surely I should be doing something about it. Especially in the role of Church Youth Worker. But it isn't always that easy to change people's perception, and it isn't always easy to make that initial contact with young people, especially when there is a perception there that Christians are judgemental.

I love my job, and I feel that I've done really well in the last few months to get to a point where I'm in the local high school, making contact with the primary schools, and working with the youth group already there. But I am left wondering 'what next'. And I guess that's where I've really got to pray about my options, and get to it.

Taize, Archbishop of Cantebury, The job and Delilah

2009-09-07T14:29:00.004Z

Things have been crazy busy ever since moving. They've slowly started to calm down, but things have been intense, and although starting to calm down, still rather hectic!

The first week of August I went to Taize for my third year. This time was different for a variety of reasons. Bob came, which was brilliant. I've been longing to share that experience with him ever since I first went, and no matter how good they are, a prayers with songs service can never be the same as Taize. You aren't surrounded by 4000 other people for starters. There isn't the simplicity that Taize offers, there are people from all over the world there, and it's just a massively powerful experience. It was different because since Taize last year I've been forced to face reality in many ways. Experiences I wanted to pretend never happened, and my self esteem which is destructively low. Last September I was encouraged to go to the doctors by a few people. It's the first time I'd been with mental health issues in well over two and half years, and I wasn't really very happy about having to go. But at that point, it was that, or take my own life, and so I guess where I was at a point of sheer desperation rather than much else... But I went. And I'm glad to say I have been blessed with a very good doctor and an amazing therapist, who are both still seeing me now. So taize was a place where I came back to, a year on, re-reading things I had written one, and two years prior to that. It was a place where I reflected on comments I made in my journal such as 'for the first time in my life, I've realised God loves me, not based on who I am, but the fact I am HIS creation, his child'. I thought about the fact I had such a negative outlook on my life, and myself, and how this could be changed.

This reflection was painful. I think things like that, where you're forced to look at what you see, and what other people see always are. Yet I had to do it, and Taize was a place where I was able to do it safely.

One of the biggest reasons it had been so different to the two years prior however, was due to Archbishop Rowan Williams being there. He arrived on the Thursday morning and stayed there with his family until the Sunday after Eucharist. It was immense, and greatly though provoking. I felt amazing priveledged to be there at the same time, as someone who is seen as both a great theologian, and so high up in the church of England. We got to see him preside a Eucharist in the church or reconcilliation, talk on Thursday evening, and have a question and answer session with him.

He said a number of things which will stick with me, but two which I hold onto, and reflect on a lot, both in terms of the life I live as a Christian, and as the person I see myself to be. I guess these two things SHOULD be inter-twined, and yet this is frequently where I fail. I'm the first to admit it how negatively I view myself, yet the last to want to admit that it's wrong of me to do that, as Gods child. When he talked about the Transfiguration, he reflected on what it means to be a Christian, and commented 'To be a Christian is to everday look into the face of Jesus... If we learn to look into the face of Christ everyday, we may see the face of our neighbour'. So often I reflect on the pain and suffering Jesus suffered, the love He had for us all to be able to do that. And yet I seem to by-pass the idea that Christ is within us. We can see him both in the face of our neighbour, as they should see him in us. Maybe I need to get to a point where I can see him in myself also? Get to a point where I can love myself. The greatest commandment is to love God and our neighbour as ourselves, yet how can I claim to do those things, see Christ in them if first I cannot love myself. I have so much work to do on it, and yet it seems I always fall at the first hurdle. My prayer at the moment, is that God continues to pick me up, and that I can race through.

I guess that brings me onto the second thing that stays with me very clearly. And that is his comment on prayer. Prayer is something I have always struggled with, as all Christians at many points do. How do we know if God has answered a prayer, how should we pray, more to the point, what is prayer. He said

'Prayer is like a river between Jesus and the Father. When we drop into that stream, it is like we're dropping into thar fast flowing water, and being carried along'

It was such a powerful metaphor, and yet something I had never considered up until that point. That idea of Jesus being the river, that communicant between the Father and ourselves. Being carried, in the way the Bible so often refers to. It was beautful, and made me realise just how important prayer is in our christian lives, and how important it is we trust we will not drown, but float.

We got back from Taize on August 10th, and I've got to admit work has been difficult since then. I've found it so hard to adjust to working from home. I know it takes time, and I know I must learn, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I guess that's where it is crucial I hold onto my relationship with God. Especially those key, restoring moments like Taize.

One thing that has made it that little bit easier to work from home - a bit of company is having a cat. We got her last tuesday, so she's still quite unsettled, and not the biggest fan of love and cuddles. I hope that changes in time, but equally, I know all cats do not like it, so I would never push the issue with her. The main thing is, she is beautiful, and she's massively theraputic. Her names Delilah, shes 10 months old and a persian cross.

Not really much else to report on. Life is slowly ticking by, and stuff is pretty good. Bob's basically moved in officially now, and it's completley wonderful to have him round. We went to North Wales on August bank holiday which was very much needed - I'd not been on holiday since I was 17, and we also had my nephew a few weeks ago on Bobs birthday weekend. We had an amazing weekend, and it meant the world to me that Bob got just as involved, and on his birthday. I love him so much. I just couldnt be without him.

New job and other things

2009-07-13T08:32:00.002Z

So I've now moved house, and changed job etc. I've got to say, for one reason or another the last couple of months have been stressful. Bobs Grandma died which was quite difficult, whilst it was expected in some ways, it's still upsetting, and there was a lot for him to sort on top of his new job which was pretty stressful for him. My nan was pretty ill. She had to have a lump removed from her gall bladder. They're pretty sure it was cancerous. She had to have some ofher liver taken away as well, just in case it had spread. We're hoping that they got it all in time, but only time will tell.

My nan's brilliant. They've been through a lot over the years. I rarely speak to them, and since it's all happened, I've really tried to make a bit more of a effort. They've caused a lot of pain and upset over the years for us all, but deep down they mean so well. I care so much for them, and it was awful when we found all this out. Was so worried.

Money was really tight for a while, Bob was out of work, and I didn't have a lot, because my student loan had kind of dwindled. It was stressful to say the least, and the pressures of having to find a deposit and first months rent for a house was difficult, but my parents and Leicester diocese were awesome, and now I'm slowly paying them back bit by bit. We struggled for a while, and basicially just brought food, and not much else, but we managed, and have been really blessed since. Bob was really fortunate to get some money from his grandma, and we've managed to put a bit of it towards a HD tv. It was our one big treat, and we felt rather guilty about such a splurge, but it's good, and we feel very blessed, and like we deserve it.

A couple of friends of ours (Bob's mainly) accused me of taking money from them a couple of months ago. That was really difficult to deal with. The one thing I hold most important to me in both my personal and professional life is integrity, and it hurts to think anyone could think I was capable of anything like that. I'm a pretty open person and wilst there's things I don't tell a lot of people, a lot of tht comes down to trust, and past experienes I've had of foolishly trusting people. Because of that though, I know how important trust is, and I just couldn't do that kind of thing. I guess the thing that upsets me the most from the whole situation is that Bob's lost friends who he'd been really close to for a long time. That pains me. And the one thing that I keep trying to get my head around is why would I risk Bob's and my friendship with them, and with myself for one moment of blind weakness? I wouldn't. Money was tight, and I can totally understand and accept why they could think it was me, but I love Bob more than anything. The relationship I have with him means the world to me, and I'd never do anything to hurt him or the friendships he has. I'd also found two people I genuinely cared for, and trusted. It upsets me, they didn't trust me as much as I initally thought.

The past few months have been so painful for Bob and I, and I keep re-living bits of it over. I guess it's easy to do. The thing we've learnt most though is what an amazing team we are. How right the relationship is. We laugh lots about how we were ever friends. It's bizarre to think of! I'm so happy he's in my life in the way he is. He's just wonderful, and is slowly helping me to believe in myself.

I'm so proud of him. He's doing amazing in his new job, and we're really building a life together up.

I guess the most important thing to us now is leaving the past behind us and moving forward together. Sometimes that's dificult, especially when things have happened which we can't change and are beyond our control. The one thing I feel sure of though, is that the place we are in now is very God given. We are both in jobs we want to be in, and I have a beautiful house, which is slowly becomming ours. We're happy together, and the future with Bob brings nothing we can't handle together and with God

everythings changing

2009-06-23T10:36:00.001Z

I've not updated this in a long time. Things are good, but I've got to say really scary. I left my job on Friday. I was offered a job as a youth worker in a small parish church in Leicestershire. I'm so excited about starting it, but it's a lot of change, and with issues around my mental health etc, it's a scary change. I keep wondering if I'm ready for it. I totally believe it's where God is calling me to be, and I believe I can do it. I guess I doubt myself, and don't feel like I can stay above water with it all. I guess it's a matter of keeping faith, isn't it?

I've just finished college. I still have my dissertation to do which is frustrating because everyone else has finished theirs. I keep thinking about how I'd be feeling now if I'd managed to hand it in when everyone else did, but I guess it just wasn't ever going to happen, and it's a matter of remembering why.

I'm moving house this afternoon. I'm so excited about it, but really scared!!

Thats about it for now... I want to do a proper update at some point, but have been a bit too busy of late... I'll definitley get back into blogging soon!

...or so they say

2009-03-23T16:30:00.003Z

Ok, so something has been really confusing me of late. People keep telling me how amazing and wonderful I am, and I just don't get it. Am I actively seeking it out? I don't think so? Am I down at the moment? Yes. But that doesn't mean I want peope to feel sorry for me, and it certainly doesn't mean I expect people to sing my praises, because I don't.

I just don't get it. Surely they are lying? I'm no better than the average human being. I *am* the average human being... I really don't get it. I've had three or four people say it to me just in the last three days and I've been horrible person to be around.

I am suffering from mental health issues, and I feel it is important to be open about those to an extent. Sure, most of the people who know me, know I suffer from chronic depression, few know much else, and I don't want people to know much else. I don't like people knowing the ins and outs of why I feel this way. What I am willing to share with people is the pain it causes me, and the pain it causes those closest to me. The one thing I desperatly want to do is help people. The stuff I've been through hasn't been pleasant, and if I can possibly do one thing with it, it will be use it to help others, relate to others, and accept others no matter what they are going through, trying to treat the in the best possible way enabling them to get better, and to break free from the shackles that bound them in such a debilitating illness. One of the most profound images for me is that of the wounded healer. To be as Christ. The great pain and humilation He suffered was for us. No one can relate to us better than Christ Himself. Yet it is only through him being fully human, and through the suffering he went through that he can understand and accept us.

Yet I do not think it is that simple. We cannot just be the wounded healer, and help others through our own pain without first enabling those wounds to heal. For those wounds to become scars so that they cannot open, and they cannot cause us pain, apart from that dull itch, the dull reminder, of what once happened to us. It is not fair for us to help others until we have helped ourselves. We cannot be the person that goes in and fixes things, unless we have first focused on repairing the deep wounds we suffer from. I know there is a great amount of healing I need to go through before I can be the wounder healer, but I do realise that even now there are parts of my story that can help others, andI need to be willing to embrace those, and use those to help others.

The fact is though, that does not make me amazing. It doesn't. And I don't understand why peope think it does. I'm doing what any half decent human being would do. Making something beautiful out of sheer misery. I want to be a person my friends can depend on, turn to in a crisis, knowing I will not turn them away. Whatever I am personally going through, I want to put that to one side and allow people to be real with me, show me their truth, their story, and their pain. God has put that in me. It's part of my ministry, if you like... That doesn't make me amazing, just a person wanting to dedicate their life to God

Broken Reflections

2009-03-22T10:08:00.004Z

I've not updated this blog in a long time. Partly this has been because I've just not been sure what to say, but I think some of it is about where I've been at. I've either been majorly happy, or majorly low. Mostly the second if I'm honest. I just want to experience some kind of inbetween the two extremities for any period of time.

The last few weeks have been difficult. I'm at the lowest point I think I've ever been, and it's horrible. I don't want to be here, and neither do I feel like I have any right to be here... I'm just so low though.

One of our college modules this term was Human Personhood Through Popular Art. I didn't really engage in any of the lectures at all, however I really enjoyed the assignment. It was to create a piece of art. The picture here is a photo of what I did. I smashed a mirror and placed it on a large piece of white chipboard, over a burst a colour. It's supposed to represet Christ's death and ressurection, and the fact that whilst the image we see of ourselves is in shards, through Christ God is desperatly trying to piece us back together, trying to mould us into the beings he created, and so longs for us to be.

The red right at the centre of the cross represnts Christ's blood, and the purple around the outside, and the shape of the burst of colour represent the purple robe he was placed in and the crown of thornes placed upon his head. The humilation and he suffered is beyond human comprehension, and yet still, he went through this to re-unite us with the Father, to enable us, in all of our brokenness to come back to the foot of the cross, and bow our heads in prayer.

Nouwen writes: ‘Our life is full of brokenness---broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives’ (Nouwen, 1996:123). I guess often I focus on my own brokenness, the immense pain I suffer from my depression, and yet I forget I am living in a world full of brokenness, a world full of resentment, and bitterness. The only way this can possibly be overcome is by returning into the grace of the Father...

Different World, Different Life

2008-09-25T06:55:00.002Z

I don't really write poetry anymore. Not because I don't want to or don't enjoy it Rather, simply because I seem to have had writers block for three years and can't seem to work out what to write at all. This was one of the last poems I wrote. It was inspired by a few other poems I had read, and I spent a lot of time thinking about the way of the western world. During the current financial climate, I guess it made a lot of sense. Yet still people (myself guiltily included) spend hundreds on clothes they do not need, on cars, on having the best gadget and the best types of found. Surely we've got our priorities all wrong...?

Different World, Different Life

Watching these people on our TV screens,
Individuals dying, from water unclean
So little to eat, people starving to deathS
truggling to take each and every breath

Watching in colour on our TV screens,
Conflicts all over, no one intervenes
Soldiers dying from the constant war
Watching, but still, we seem to ignore

Watching in colour on our TV screens,
Natural disasters, changing the world so green
Houses and lives destroyed by hurricanes
Bringing much sorrow, causing much pain

Watching these people on our TV screens
Then retreating back, to our daily routines
Switching off from this life outside
This consumerist world too pre-occupied

Word Cloud...

2008-09-23T21:27:00.004Z

So I saw this on a friends blog and decided to have a go myself. Basically you put a link to your blog in this application and it sorts out the words you use in your blog. The big ones are the ones that appear the most. I found it really interesting. I actually find it helpful that the bigger words are the slightly more positive words that appear on there. Kind of supports the whole idea of moving on from things, and working through stuff...

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

2008-09-20T20:24:00.003Z

This is ust part of a poem by Charles C. Finn. I've just taken out a bit of it. It's an amazing poem, and something I feel so often. I feel like I'm really struggling at the moment to let the gaurd down and show people my vulnerabilities. The real faces behind the farcade I so often choose to put on. Letting that down is scary. And I've still not quite fathomed out how to do it yet...

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

Charles C. Finn

2008-09-13T20:52:00.000Z

It was residential this week. I think I've finally got to a point where I have to be willing to accept that I actually do have mental health issues. And that as much as I'd like to continue denying it, I've been doing that for the last 7-9 years of my life, and it's gotten me nowhere. Sooo. Instead of just trying to get on with life and denying the way I feel, and how to deal with it, I've decided it may just be best if I actually try and deal with the underlying issues. This is hard because so far I've just had a really negative response from counsellors etc, and have got to a point where I guess I'm genuinely scared of trustsing people fully.

However, this week at residential I kind of feel like I had to be willing to start working things through and putting systems in place to enable me to even think about breaking free from the chains that seem to be keeping me down. I have worked it with course tutors and we have arranged I'll speak to one of them on a regular basis, and as well as that I'll speak to my line manager for a short period of time once a week when possible, and then have contact with the doctor and therapist, and also have all my friends who genuinely seem to love and care for me.

i guess the thing that has been most hard is to accept that all of these people genuinely care for me, and genuinely want to see me get better. I realy want to do it, but I'm so scared that I just dont have the strength, and that if I don't manage it, it will seem like I am letting people down. My course have been absolutley amazing about everything, and they worked so hard with me last week. To finally totally admit I need help, and that I'm willing to try and do as much as I can with other people if they're willing to help was probably the hardest thing in my life. For so long I've been in denial, and then although I've accepted it recently, the last two months I have been too scared to even start thinking about thinking through ways forward. But I'm ready now. I dont know whether I'll ever be 'truly happy' whatever that maybe. Maybe I will... but when I've felt like this for so long I have to be willing to at least accept I MAY always suffer from some form of mental illness. But I guess I just have to trust that there is hope and that there is people that really care. And at least with them I can at least try and start working on a way of feeling better.

2008-08-25T15:48:00.002Z

I'm exhausted. I'm going to my friends in 10 minutes, but I wanted to say that God is good. God is forgiveness. God does not forgive because he has to he forgives because he wants to. I'm going to expand on this in time after an experience I had this weekend at my friends. Its an odd expereince, it may make me sound slightly weird, and people may not believe me. But I need to write it down, if not for anything else, so I can remember it, and how it has affected me.

Finding Christ Amidst the Brokenness

2008-08-11T22:49:00.004Z

The last few days have been hugely insightful. Massively painful, and I fear life may be like this for a little while... but maybe I just have to accept that right? That is not me being a victim. Far from it. It's me deciding I need to deal with things, that I have avoided. It's 12am. I'm tired, and yet I cannot bring myself to even think about going to sleep until I have written this blog.

Friday night I met with K. I told him what I wanted to do my dissetation on, and he likes the idea. Is there a link between self harm and salvation? Well, to me, yes. I think there is, and I think it begins with the word brokenness. K told me about a lady he once met who used to be a sister. She had to leave the convent because her self harm was too much for the other sisters to deal with. This lady apparantly went on to explain that she could not sit in a Eucharist, because of the pain it brought her when Christ's body was broken for her. I have to say, I am on similar lines with this lady. The idea of Christ saving us, loving us that much is beyond me. I cannot accept anyone/anything would love me *that* much. Yet God does.

Slowly, over the past few weeks, I have come to realise that Christ is there, on the cross. That in my brokenness he is there. That I just need to be willing to let Him in. This is the point I fail. i deperatly desire to do this, to stop blaming him for the things that have happened, and to move on. To lay them at the foot of the cross, as I have tried so hard to do in the past.

I'm reading a book at the moment in relation to my dissertation called 'Secret Scars'. There is one quote I read last night, and literally sobbed: '...I wasnt willing to let God work in me - I didnt want him to take my coping mechanisms away. I couldn't trust him to help me feel better - I only wanted to do things my way' (Robson, 2007:53). I could have written that. In fact when I was in Taize I wrote something so similar in my journal. The way I deal with the crap life throws at me is MY coping mechanism It's my way of coping. Maybe, I do not want to deal with it in another way. maybe it's easier to ignore God, than to accept that he/she could help...

The problem is, that ignores the reason Christ died for us. It is totally ignoring Christ standing there, beside me even when my life is in shards before me. Now I know that's painful, and I know it is not so easy to accept, as to say, but I wonder if one can truly find beauty some way or another in everything. The photo at the beginning of this blog is a picture in the ruins of Coventry Cathedral. It is a photo of two beams of wood that fell in the shape of a cross, and were found like that after the WWII bombings. Even amidst the pain, hatred, and brokenness in the war, Christ was there. I find that huge.

So often we forget, yet in those times Christ does not forget us.

I just pray one day that this blog isn't a reflection on how I want to feel, but how I actually feel. that it is no longer a painful hope, but it is something I can achieve...

Taizé 2008

2008-08-06T20:14:00.005Z

On Monday morning I got back from Taizé. In truth, I am still trying to process everything it meant to me this year. But I want to try and explain it as best as I can, for my own reasons more than anything. To try and process some of my thoughts and some of the experiences I had.

As I have previously said in this blog, part of me was genuinely dreading going. I expected it to be a time where I had to face up to things. A time that was painful, and a time where I would be left alone with my problems, to deal with them, and get over them. It wasn't any of those things. OK. To an extent I had to think things through. If I'm honest I didn't ever stop thinking. But it was powerful. I spoke with God. I shouted at God. And I blamed God. But still i felt close to Him. it's hard to explain, and hard to comprehend. But it was powerful. Sitting in God's presence, recognising that in fact he had not abandoned me was immense. Sitting in silence and being able to shout to God was an undeniably necessary experience. I felt guilt over it, genuinely guilty. Thinking that this was something I should not be doing. But it was necessary.

During the time I was in Taizé we spent a lot of time studying Revelation 1-3. On passage stood out to me more than anything:

'12I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, 13and among the lampstands was someone "like a son of man,"[b]dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. 14His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades' (Revelation 1:12-17). Jesus is undoubtedly fully God. But he is fully human. That in some ways is something that is simple because Christians have always been taught just that. Yet to actually accept it becomes more difficult. I guess it is something I have frequently taken for granted, but often not recognised the implications of it.

Recently I have felt out of my depths. Like God is not with me, and that he has truly abandoned me. yet here, in Revelation we are reminded of Jesus, the friend - 'When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!'. To put a hand on someones shoulder is a friendly gesture, a sign of love, of acceptance.... safety. Something I did not feel Christ was doing to me. I saw Him as God of power, the initial description of him something more reasonable. Yet in Taizé it genuinely felt like God was telling me that I should not just see Christ as this, or in fact as someone I should receive solely through the Holy Spirit. But actually that I can receive him, and see him through my friends as well. That the friends I have are there and have Christ in them, and are willing to stand by me, listen to me, and accept me for who I am.

Maybe this sounds trite. Maybe flippant, but to me it's been powerful, and a great comfort.

I do not feel as if I can explain the feelings, and way I felt in Taizé without it sounding less of an experience than it was. But is was wonderful. Yes painful, yes, in someways lonely. But it was huge. And simply life changing once again. Taizé is so simple, yet so powerful. I cannot explain it, it would not do it justice. I do not want it to come across that my faith begins and ends at Taizé , but Taizé is a place I can almost go back to the heart of it, but with Jesus, and renew my faith in Him so that I can come back home and continue living.

2008-07-19T22:31:00.002Z

These last two weeks have been hugely intense. I have felt lower than I have quite possibly ever felt. more out of my depth, more lonely, and more lost than I think I have ever done so. Totally confused, and isolated.

Today has been a baby step forward. I know that this is quite clearly just a beginning, but it's a start to an end. No matter how long it takes I think today was the day of admitting defeat. Admitting that no, I can't deal with things on my own, and that yes, I do need to let God in. I'm still not quite sure how I do that. But knowing I need to is a step in the right direction. Amongst a lot of tears, and a lot of sadness there has been positive moments today. Moments that I want to cling onto for dear life because I know that it is something I can aim to achieve. No matter how long it may take.

Elenor Roosevelt once said: “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” And you know, I think she's right. I have been in complete denial for a long time about something now. Complete denial. Fooling myself into thinking it was ok and repressing it completley. And now I am realising I was wrong to do so. That unfortunatley, as painful as it may be to do so. I have to face it dead on. That in the long term, I will survive it, and that my character will grow.

This weekend

2008-07-13T19:24:00.003Z

This weekend has been absolutley wonderful. I have, to an extent managed to relax a little and escape an environment that was making me think constantly. I did not stop thinking by all means, but it did enable me to put some kind of positive spin on things, which was really really helpful.

Anyway, I went to my brothers girlfriends yesterday and we went to a couple of pubs for drinkies and then back to her house and played on the Wii, watched TV and ate huge amounts of food, and drank a bit more. It really was fab. Today, we ate and drank lots more, and played more Wii and cludo.

I've managed to escape a bit over the weekend from myself, and I think I needed it. I still feel pretty shit and absolutley exhausted, but I am feeling more positive, which is definitley something that needed to happen.

Tomorrow is another day, and at the moment I'm wondering how to get through each day. Desperatly trying to busy myself, but I am feeling slightly more positive about stuff. I spoke to V on Friday and she is going to organise some more counselling for me, which is a really big step. I'm hugely scared, but I so need to face this stuff. It's the right thing to do. I also need to stop drinking. I said this after Wednesday, but it seems so far I have failed at that quite miserably. So from tomorrow I also need to cut that out. And I mean completley. Just for a couple of weeksn or so, but it's something I really need to do. I can't seem to drink without want more and more. This weekend has been ok because I've been with my brother, but generally it's just not that easy...

2008-07-11T12:01:00.002Z

Taize is two weeks tomorrow. I've got to say I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I was really looking forward to it. But lots of stuff has happened and I'm not sure how I feel about spending the whole week thinking about that stuff. It's kinda hard to avoid thinking about when there's so much time there in the prayers left to reflect. I think it will do me good, and actually think it's probably come at the time I need it most, but I get so scared of actually facing upto myself. It's not all that easy. At all.

This week has absolutley flown by. I dont understand where it's gone. But on the other hand last weekend seems like years away. I feel like I've processed more this week than in the last two years put together, and my mind is on one thing only. I'm trying to focus on other stuff, but I'm failing quite miserably.

I just want it all to go away. I dont want to have to think about it anymore. I'm tired of it. I want things to go back to me seeing it as I did before. I just don't like it

Last weekend

2008-07-07T10:41:00.002Z

On Friday I went back down to Reading to visit a couple of friends from my placement. It was so enjoyable and it was so lovely to see the people I got on with. But it was really intenese and really tiring on my emotions. I guess being in that place made me think of things I went through when I was down there, and how much I have changed since I was there, but it also made me realise there was a lot of crap I was yet to face. It's left me feeling very confused, totally withdrawn, and not really sure where to go with everything.

I guess since I have left that church I have been left with the real negatives I expereinced whilst down there and not a lot of the positives. The negative comments people made about me have stuck whilst the other stuff has subsided. So going back, was hard. It made me go back to all of that negativity I felt about the place, and I genuinely felt like most people there hated me. I don't think this was necessarily true to the extent I felt it was, but I think there was an element of truth in it, and I've found that something really hard to deal with. I've changed a lot in these last two years, and hoped that people would see that whilst I was there, but I just felt like I reverted back to old ways while I was there, and in some ways now that I've left, which really makes me raise the question of just how over all of this I actually am.

I think it had a massive impact on how I view my faith as well. I guess for a long time I have thought that I have been putting all my faith in God, when actually, since going to Reading I wonder if I have been disregaurding him for a while. I mean, I rarely pray anymore or think about it my faith, and the impact it has on my life, I just get on with my job on auto-pilate. Which is not ideal in the slightest. I think I need to take some time out to reflect on my faith, and also my actions, as lately they have not been so good. The problem is, is that when I do that I end up facing myself. I'm not sure if I want to do that...

2008-06-27T20:22:00.001Z

'People are taking the piss out of you every day. They butt into your life, take a cheap shot at you and then disappear. They leer at you from tall buildings and make you feel small. They make flippant comments from buses that imply you're not sexy enough and all the fun is happening somewhere else. They are on TV making your girlfriend feel inadequate. They have access to the most sophisticated technology the world has ever seen and they bully you with it. They are the advertisers and they are laughing at you' - Banksy

I dont think this really needs an explanation. Says enough...

21st Birthday and other randoms

2008-06-19T21:55:00.002Z

It was my 21st birthday on Friday. It was absoultey wonderful and all my friends made it so special for me. I went to Bradgate Park with B, L, and J and it was so much fun. It was just a really special day :) We had a picnic, and then we played frisbee, and on the space hopper and I just felt like such a child. It was just wonderful. In the evening A came up and we had a bit of a girly night before going out to Mosh with the rest of the group. Had such an awesome night and didn't even get drunk, which is highly unusual for me. I dunno, I was just so happy and there was no need. I didn't want to lose what was such a special day/night for me.

On Saturday I went home and saw my family. I miss them. I don't go home often enough and I miss my mum, dad, brother, sister, nephew and brother in law all so much. I've got a really amazing family, and they're so special to me. I just dont see them anywhere near as much as I'd like. I spent some really quality time with my mum and dad and then had a family get together on Sunday. Bar a few down right out of order comments from my grandparents and aunties, it was really lovely.

I came home on Sunday night and I've got to say I've felt pretty lonely and run down ever since. I dunno. I've been thinking lots about being single recently, and I dont like it. I have developed so much as a person over the last year, and I'm ready to move on from the past. Problem is, the only guy that treated me right was my ex. Apart from that, I've been so let down by men, and to be honest, I'm not sure how much I trust them. I thought I did, but then you get let down again...

I just hate being lonely. And no. Thats not the reason I want to be in a relationship by any means, but it'd just be so nice to be loved/love someone.

On a brighter/funnier note, I looked at some of the stupid things I've said at college that someone has put on facebook today. It made me laugh lots. I didn't realise I was quite as dippy as these portray me!! :

Sarah- "I'm not wisdom here"
Sarah- "There's an index in the yellow pages?"
Sarah- Is there a difference between a left handed and a right handed frisbee?" (everyone laughs) "no, seriously?"
Sarah- "what part of the chicken do chicken balls come from?"
"Sarah- "how can cricketers be death?"
"Sarah- "can fish drown?"
"Sarah- "That's because we're Christians, we don't like change"
"Sarah- "I've never heard George Bush say Yo"
Sarah- "Bruce, wheres the toast for the toaster?"
Sarah- "I didn't know you could get wing mirrors in asda!"
Sarah- "It's Christmas in a biscuit!" (about Dave's cinammon biscuits)

yes. I think I quite probably did say all of these, and yes, there were all totally innocent coments. I so need to think about things before I open my mouth...

Putnam - Bowling Alone

2008-06-19T21:34:00.002Z

So. I've just spent the last however long writing an essay on Social and Political Contexts. Something I highlighted in the essay was the idea of Social Capital and the demographic sprawl of recent years. I've just been reading through my blog subscriptions and what do I find but an update on someones blog about just this: http://www.theopraxis.net/archives/2008/06/bridging_connec.html

Here's a quote from his entry:

I think that this loss of bridging connections is connected to the decline of geography as a defining characteristic of a community. Think about it this way - my neighbors are the people in my social sphere with whom I am least likely to have commonality - the only thing that connects us is geography, and to a certain extent socioeconomic status. In my neighborhood are people of varying ethnicities, political persuasions, religious beliefs, interests, and life history. What do we have in common? Primarily that we live in a particular community (and to some extent that we can afford to live in a certain community). And, out of all of those neighbors, I know maybe half a dozen, and of those we are really connected with only one family in any real sense.
Our relationships have shifted to become more of a social network connected by shared interests or identity. In other words, the connections that I think most of us in suburban contexts hold are primarily bonding relationships - connections that are a result of commonality. I know and interact with people with whom I have much in common. And I rarely encounter those with whom I don't in any meaningful way.

What does this mean for a missional faith in suburbia? It means, primarily, that the most radical of missional imperatives - things like loving the enemy, showing hospitality to the stranger, and demonstrating unity in the cruciform love of Christ - are precisely the imperatives that are most difficult to practice in a suburban context.

Some interesting issues are raised here and it is something I touched on in my essay with regards to my placement. My placement is in a relaively deprived area yet attracts a majority of middle class people. Why is this? Part of me wonders if it is because it is so welcomming at the thology attracts that kind of person. The huge crossover comes with the young people who use the areas around the church to hang around. They are from an entirely different social class, and those who attend the church either havent got a clue how to respond to the young people or are worryingly, scared of them. As Christians we should be responding in a possitive way. Showing love to them, and not judging them, yet this is just not happening? Of course, these are quite often the most difficult things to practice in a suburban context, as the writer of this blog says. However, surely as Christians we should at least be trying?

Then on the other hand I am wondering if I am just as bad for condeming the people who attend church on Sundays becuase of their judgement. Am I just as bad for judging these people as they are for judging the young people? Possibly. But how can we get around this and have a positivie impact on suburbia?

This is something that God has really put on my heart, and I so want to have the answers, but I just don't. Ulitmatley I am aware that my theology is solely based on loving and accepting others no matter what that means. How I do that in a place where there is such demographic sprawl is beyond me

Maybe it's just the alcohol talking but...

2008-04-22T21:10:00.003Z

Sooo. I've been through the usual up and downs recently, and I've questioned everything from my existance, to why I am in Leicester, to if anyone really gives a shit about me at all. But. I've been at the Street Pastors AGM tonight, and it was wonderful. It made me realise just how many people I know in Leicester. I don't know if those people really care that much about me or not, but it made me realise how settled I am here, and how much I've learnt to love this place.

I sat there at the beginning, and it was just horrible. I didn't recognise anyone there, and then after the talks I started chatting to loads of people, people I didn't know, but loads of people I did, people I have not chatted to in aaages, and had almost forgotton about. It was just wonderful. The AGM was nice. Good to hear about the Street Pastors updates and also to socialise and share food with others. I've just walked home. It's only a five minute walk away from where I live, and yet I met so many people I knew or recognised.

I picked up a couple of sandwiches from the food left over (I hate left overs!) for my lunch tomorrow, and then saw Lisa a homeless girl in Leicester on the way back, so I gave them to her, and we had a really lovely chat. Just short, and the usual stuff, but it was lovely. I then saw a few people from the EAGA Gospel Choir walking down the road. They'd obviously just been to a practice as they meet on Tuesday nights and they were singing. It was awesome! Then to top things off I saw B from the Cathedral. She's a mate of mine. It was just amazing.

I just realised just how much I loved Leicester and the importance of all those people I recognise. It was so nice.

I've been weighing up the option of changing placements from this coming September or not, and then I have a night like tonight. The Cathedral feels right, and then I see all those people and it makes the whole thing seem right. It's not the ideal, no. But no matter how few friends I have, I like it here. I've settled here, and I don't want to move until the end of my degree.

After much thought and deliberation...

2008-04-19T15:54:00.003Z

After a long process, painful thoughts, much procrastinating I have finally managed to write a journal adressing the thoughts of my last post. I have also included lots of thoughts from previous blogs and stuff, so I have put a link to downloading it here. If you fancy a read, please do!

http://download.yousendit.com/DED8B8EC75E006CA

Two things...

2008-04-18T14:10:00.003Z

1. I wish there was someone I could talk to

2. Scouting for Girls are shit. Seriously.

Nothing can ever come between us and the love of God...

2008-04-17T19:50:00.002Z

So, I'm supposed to be writing a journal for college at the moment, and I'm failing. It's a theological reflection one, and I was doing a bit of research for quotes etc. So actually, I'm not exactly failing, I just got side tracked, and I think I need to vent it out on here before I turn it into a journal. I think I need to put it down in raw terms first, and then dress it up a bit... so here we go.

I've been thinking lots these last few weeks about failure. My inability to have confidence in myself, and the sheer ability I have to turn every positive into a negative. To transform beauty into ugliness. I don't know. I'm not talking about anything in particular, maybe just everything.

In essence, I'm struggling with things a lot lately. Maybe I'm spending too much time contemplating and reflecting on things for my own good. Or maybe I'm right about it all. Who knows. I just know I need to get it all off my chest. So here goes nothing...

So, after Spring Harvest 2005 I realised that God was calling me to youth work, and that it wasn't just something I desired to do. I'd applied to Occupational Therapy at university thinking that it was what I wanted to do, but deep down I knew that I wanted to do youth work and that it was where God was leading me. Now I dont think God has one path for us, I think he can use any we take and transform them into something beautiful, as long as we are also willing to put in the time and the effort. But on this occasion, I knew I needed to cancel my uni applications and go into youth work. So I took a gap year. Honestly? That gap year was living hell. I hated every minute of it, and failed at it quite miserably. There was one or two people who were amazing supportive, and I'm still friends with them to this day. Had it not have been for them, and the grace of God I've absolutley no idea where I would be today. Somehow I got to the end of that year and still felt I was being called to do youth work so I started this degree. I love my placement, and I love the work, but I can't help but think I am still failing. I have no regular youth work happening, everything that was going on in my placement last year has crumbled since J left and I'm left wondering what the hell to do.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for youth work, or if this was all just a hope/dream of mine, and nothing to do with God. I've learnt a lot over these years about myself, and I've learnt lots about youth work, but I can't help but feel if I'm absolutley crap at it. I just wonder how it'll turn out when I get my first full time youth work job after this degree. With no regular youth work experience am I going to feel equipped enough to deal with it?

While I've been on this degree I think I've felt a series of emotions I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel. I've gone from being on top of the universe to the depths of depression. I've felt loved, I've felt lost, and I've felt compeltley numb. Maybe this is all part of me being moulded into a stronger person. But if I'm honest I'm not sure how much more I can deal with. I've become stronger already. At the moment I don't want to be any stronger. I just want to get on with life without thinking about unimaginable stuff all the time. I dont want to keep thinking I'm failing miserably, or that I cant do my job, or that the people at work think I'm a waste of space, and genuinely cant stand me. The problem is, at the moment that's the truth to me. No matter what people say, that's the truth. In my heart I dont know if this is what other people are saying, but in my head it feels that is all they're saying. I just dont know how to get over it.

2008-03-16T16:11:00.002Z

I've realised I'm not actually super woman. I've realised I need a break, and that I'm losing all ability to hold thing together, and act happy even though I'm not.

Truth is I'm exhausted. I am in desperate need of a break before I have a complete breakdown. Problem I've got, I just dont have time to have a break this next week.

I'm so so tired and emotional

Homeless and Hospitality

2008-02-23T19:07:00.004Z

Last night I did Street Pastors. In all honesty, I didn't want to go out. Staying at home or going to MOSH both seemed far more appealing. Yet, as always, I came away feeling both refreshed and challenged, thankful, yet sad, contemplative of my own actions, and others.

I had a conversation with S, a man whose homeless. J went and get him a cup of coffee while I sat with him chatting. It opened my eyes immensely to what it was like to be homeless. He was bitter cold, hungry, and had nowhere to go. This is all fairly obvious stuff, but the things you kind of forget about are the insults they receive, the fact that people just walk past without saying a word to them, looking in the opposite direction, or avoiding all eye contact with them pretending they've not seen them.

Now, I'm guilty of the above. I frequently walk on by and ignore them or look in the opposite direction, and having talked to S last night I felt genuinely awful about it. He said that he felt some people were just so ignorant towards him, that they just walked on by and didn't say a word to him. He'd say things like 'have a good night' to passers by and get no response. Again, I'm guilty of the above. So the question I raise is what is better, acknowledging them, but not giving money, feeling obliged to give money/buy them a coffee, or just ignore them? After last night, I've realised I can't go on ignoring them. It's hurtful, and no matter how many times homeless people get ignored I can't imagine it hurts any less. It's rejection. No one likes the feeling of rejection do they?

My problem is, what do you do? One could give to a homeless charity and then walk by and greet the people, but then there's guilt and obligation to give to them as an individual. You could buy them a coffee or a big issue...Now I've been guilty of buying more than one of the same big issue before now off different vendors because I feel so awful that I've already brought one off the guy down the road that I have to buy another one... so we could end up spending money we just cant really afford to spend... so I'm stuck... anyone got any suggestions?

I guess, I was stuck on this one till today, and it's been something I've been reflecting on a lot throughout the day. I went to a relatively local Cathedral to see what youth provisions they have there, and the guy I was supposed to be meeting didn't turn up. I've got to say I was pretty annoyed. I'd spent an hour on the bus getting there, spent money to get there, given up my only day off this week to get there, just to be told he wasn't there and they couldn't get hold of him. Honestly? I wasn't at all impressed. I was less impressed by the fact the people who I spoke to were so unhelpful and unapologetic. Yes, there's only so much they can do, and no, it wasn't their fault, but they could have welcomed me there, instead of sent me packing knowing I'd just had an hour long journey to be told the person wasn't there. Anyway, I was sat down just getting myself ready to leave and a local URC minister asked me if I wanted to join their shared lunch. A group of people from a URC church down south somewhere had come to visit the Cathedral for the day, and this minister who was from a local URC Church had come to the Cathedral to welcome them, and share lunch with them. He welcomed me, talked to me, and shared his lunch with me. A small gesture, yes? But you know what, it meant the absolute world to me. The fact that everyone had literally turned their back on me, and been most unhelpful genuinely upset me, and disheartened me. Are Christians not meant to be welcoming and hospitable? Yet this one man successfully managed to wipe out all of that I felt. These people I'd never met before fed me. I ate so much food, and it was all from people from churches miles away.

My point is, it takes one tiny gesture to change a persons day. They had huge amounts of food, and letting me share that with them was nothing, and yet to be welcomed in that way, by others who weren't even from that church was immense. Mother Theresa once said:

'What we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. I do not agree with the big way of doing things.'

In my experience this is so true. Those little things that people do on a frequent basis are so much more important to me than a one of grand gesture.

So maybe, we should not necessarily be thinking about giving half of our money to homeless or, spend huge amounts of money trying to pull off a big event for our young people. Though we can do that it is not always necessary. A simple stopping and talking to, or greeting someone on the streets, buying a homeless person a coffee, or bag of chips, or listening to our young people intently seem to have far more of an impact. It takes so little out of our time to do an act of random kindness yet the amount it touches another person is incredible. That's certainly not to say we should be doing kind things to benefit ourselves, but it is so nice to see other people happy. One small drop can make someones day. That man today made mine, and I think the guy who brought that homeless man a bag of chips yesterday made his. It takes nothing to do that. Nothing.

Think about it eh?

Lack of updates

2008-02-17T19:46:00.003Z

Well, I've not been updating this bloggy on a frequent basis for quite some time now. That's for numerous reasons. Partly because I've nothing of importance to say/reflect on, I'm stupidly busy, and... I'm happy.

I finished my counselling sessions on Wednesday. Partly because I was getting sick of them, and parlty because I genuinely didn't feel like I had much to say to her anymore. I was telling her I used to have weight issues when I was a teenager the other day, and she called me large. Hmm. I dont think she meant it how it came accross, but to me that's a really insensitve comment as a counseller, and that's just one example. So, yeah, I gave up on it. It was a waste of time really, and I dont have much time to waste at the moment!

Anyway, I've had a lovely day today, - S's baptism this morning, and then Prayers with Songs this afternoon. It all got me thinking about Taize again. I know I go on about it, and I probably sound like a broken record, but it changed my life. Dramatically. I can't express how, and I want to be able to, but it really has changed me. I guess the main way is that I have a desire to live now. Which is pretty huge really. Ok, so I'm not happy all the time, but then who is? But the matter of fact is, I actually want to live life, no matter what it throws at me, and that really is big.

The problem being, I guess that I wanna live life, and I want to rebel a bit. After all, isn't that what being 20 and being at uni is about? I quite often feel like I dont have that opportunity as much with the degree I'm doing. So when I do, I go all out, and then wonder whether that was the right thing to do. We chatted about what the ideal Christian should do the other day at college. It was the same old stuff - don't get drunk, don't sleep around, don't waste money, blah blah blah. Ok so I don't sleep around, but I get drunk, I waste money, and I do pretty much everything else on the list, that I apparantly shouldnt be doing. Sigh... So I raised this with my group, and also raised the fact that I'm thoroughly enjoying life, and what I'm doing with it, and have also previously had some absolutley awesome conversations about my faith with people when I've been in MOSH. I basically got knocked down a peg, and was told that it was a dangerous life to lead, and that by doing that it was causing big dips in my faith. I disagree with this greatly.

My faith is the most important thing in my life, but to be quite honest, the concept of the ideal Christian life bores me stupid. I did that from the age of 10-19... It seems like the Christian ideal means you can't go out and have any fun no matter what that may entail, or you can but dont forget, it has to be in moderation... I know that's not actually the case, but that's how it feels, and yet if I go out and have the wrong kind of fun I eel judged beyond belief. Who are they to judge though eh? God is the ultimate judge. So why is it then, that sometimes it doesn't feel like it?

I'm truly sorry if you dont like the way I live, or the fact I am a realist. I'm sorry if you think I'm too liberal, or that my way isnt the right way. It probably isn't. But you know, I live out my faith by loving others, and listening to them. I don't do it by condeming their actions, and I'm not going to let people condemn mine. Yet somehow it seems that in the very nature of this post I am letting people condemn my actions, and letting it tear apart my beliefs, and what I stand for.

In essence Christianity confuses me greatly, and most of the time I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian. Not because I'm ashamed of my faith or what I believe, far from it. But because I'm ashamed of the portrayal of Christians in todays society. Asking numerous people what the concept of being a Christian is, and they don't respond with "to love", they respond with "to judge". Why have we let this amazing proclomation of love, life, and ultimate sacrifice, become nothing more than judgement? As I have previously said, God is the ultimate judge, we should love others no matter what.

Reflection on Little Miss Sunshine

2008-01-23T23:40:00.000Z

Last week Bob came over, and we cooked, and watched Little Miss Sunshine. I absolutley adore this film, becuase I think there's an element of everyone of us in at least one of those characters. I like the fact that a film has been made up of a real (I want to say dysfunctional, but then I think we're all that to an extent) family. After the film Bob and I went for a walk. It was absolutley chucking it down with rain. I like those walks. Anyway. It got me thinking a lot, and I've meant to blog since then, but with being really busy, then ill, I kind of just didn't get round to it.

There is so much of this film that stands out to me in so many ways, but one particular part is quoted as follows:

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.

Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

Although said in a fairly flippant way, there is a hell of a lot of depth behind what is being said, and it's made me think a lot about my own life, and the downs and ups. Between that and counselling bringing things to the surface that I hadn't thought about in years, I have been left feeling relatively confused of late. About the past, about some of the things my family has gone through over the last 5 or 6 years, and about how it has been dealt with.

I generally love life, and I generally strive to make the most out of it, friends, family, work, faith, whatever, I want to take hold of it and live it to the full. But by doing that opens up a whole can of worms, and I've got to say as much as I love living life, I do get down fairly easy. Generally this isn't a long term thing, I throw a tantrum, get up, wipe myself clean and move on...

But my family, like pretty much all families has gone through some shit. And it's not been good at all. It's tired me out, it's dragged me down, and left me feeling like life is all pointless, and a complete waste of time/energy. Yet it's in those times that I've learnt most about myself, and my faith in God. In those times I generally completley abandon God, or shout at him a lot. The best thing about that though is that He doesn't abandon me. He's right there, beside me all the way, and I think that that is just the most awesome thing. Happiness is amazing, and is not a waste at all, it should be taken and lived. But I also think sadness should. I like that idea. I like the idea of grabbing it with both hands and embracing it. Welcome the learning I am going to receive and what else it may change about me, and just walk through it.

Ok, so it really isn't that easy is it? Generally I dont walk through it, or embrace it. Instead, I hide in bed and shout at God over it. I would LOVE to be one of these people who can see the positive in a negative situation I am going through myself. Instead I crumble at the first hurdle and make it well known I have crumbled to those around me. So the question I'm left with I guess, is how do I remind myself in the crap times that things are going to get better, and that it's a great learning curve, when all I want to do is run in the opposite direction?! I dont think it's that easy, but I do find it an exciting challenge. A challenge I always fail at miserably. But one day, by the grace of God, I really want to succeed.

2008-01-21T23:13:00.000Z

life, and stuff kinda hurts a lot really, doesn't it?

Christmas time...

2007-12-25T23:20:00.000Z

So Christmas has crept up on us, and then passed by within a blink of the eye. It's so strange. Every year without fail people spend such a long time preparing for Christmas, and then it's just gone... within a matter of hours...

This Christmas has been lovely, and yet now it's got to 11pm, it's all over, and that crashing down to the normal world comes, and I have become rather reflective on Christmas, what it means to be a Christian, etc etc...

For years I have hated Christmas. In all honesty, I miss my Gran. Christmas is a family time, and my Gran loved it so much. Yet this year we had all the family over and for the first time since my Gran died in 2003 I've genuinely looked forward to Christmas, and got as excited as a child. Its been a wonderful feeling, and today has been simply delightful, but it's over now... and I'm left reflecting on what it's all about...

Indulgance? - I have eaten so much food today it's untrue...

Presents? - Well I've given and received so many presents... got some I'm not overly keen on, some which are what I wanted, and some that have been made for me with such love, and have over-whelmed me, to the point of making me cry.... I've probably given presents people both love, and hate... Spending hours in shops trying to pick the right thing for the right person, hoping they'll love it, but not absolutley sure because I haven't seen them in such a long time...

Family arguments? - As always there are those wonderful niggles made to one another on Christmas day... it wouldnt be Christmas without those niggles, surely?!

Eastenders? - Ok, so not just Eastenders, but TV in general!

Soooo... none of that is what makes Christmas. I've had a lovely day, and barr a few family niggles towards relatives outside the immidiate family it has been wonderful to spend the day together with the people I love the most in the world. I have enjoyed cooking and eating Christmas dinner, and I have more than enjoyed giving and receiving presents, but admidst all that I forgot what Christmas was really about. God. I don't want to harp on about it, but ultimately it's true, and yet it's forgotton in the rush.... After I left church last night I got home, watched TV and forgot about my faith, trust and passion for Christ. Is that true faith, trust and passion? Well, probably not at that time, but that doesn't make my faith any less poigniant to my life, and lifestyle, and yet I still feel so guilty for indulging so much...

I can't help but reflect on those people who arent as fortunate as me, or those in the world who arent really aware it's Christmas... It makes me feel guilty.

I'm listening to some of the Taize tracks I have on my iPod at the moment... and am reminded of simplicity... and yet that sentance seems to contravene itself... iPod and simplicity...

Seriously though, I am remidned of simplicity, and how nice it was to go away to Taize and live in such simplicity. I long for that, and still can't help but question where God is calling me to. Is there some kind of inbetween... I still have that thought God may be calling me to become a nun, and yet I have so much passion for working out in the world... and I am so so desperate to have a family and adopt. Is there not some inbtween where I can have both? Or is that going against the concept of simplicity?

Am I only wanting to become a nun because I dislike the complexity of life, and want to run away from it, because I lack courage to stick it out? Is it because I have no idea what I want to do, and therefore it's easier to stick my head in the sand? I've got to say, I think both of these things are highly possible, and the fact I'm so scared of never marrying and having a family that it would be easier to stop that myself and have control over it, rather than letting God take control... now that most definitley is NOT a reason to become a nun!

I am utterly confused at the moment, and a blog that was meant to be about Christmas, has suddenly diverted quite a way, and I am reflecting on my future... It's all so very confusing, it really is...

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul de lui vient mon salut Oui sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose, se repose en paix.

- In God alone my soul can find rest and peace, In God my peace and joy. Only in God my soul can find its rest, find its rest and peace.

This genuinely isn't meant to be a depressing post. I'm the happiest I've ever been recently, however I'm also the most reflective and quite possibly the most lost I've ever been. This Christmas has been absolutley wonderful, it really has. I've loved every minute of it! I think my life just lacks any kind of simplicity, and as much as I like some types of complexity, simplicty would always be welcommed!

2007-12-15T19:46:00.000Z

So, things have been really good these last few weeks. Just felt really at ease with things and content. I dont regularly get that feeling so to get that is really nice actually, and for it to stay with me :)

I've had my sister and her husband over today. It's been really nice to see them actually. They'd not managed to get over to see my flat till now, and have never really had a chance to see anything else, so it's been a really lovely day :)

I've had a lot of time of this week as have been absolutley exhausted. Not taken time off in a long time, so to get a week where I can actually take some time off and not do a lot has been really lovely.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas and see all my family :)

Poetry

2007-12-09T14:53:00.000Z

Last night I spent time reading through some of the poetry I wrote when I was 14/15. It was really really odd reading them. Most of them were pretty depressing, and dark. I can't ever imagine me feeling low enough to write stuff like that anymore. I actually felt really good about reading them, because it made me think about how much I've matured and how my faith has matured, but also how much stronger I've become. It really did help me to realise that.

I guess sometimes I get really down (although actually havent done for a long while)... but when I do I end up feeling like it's the end of the world. And actually it's not. At all. Life goes on, and we become stronger with the crap that is thrown at us if we choose to let it strengthen us.

I'm really really happy at the moment. Really content and at ease with life. It's a wonderful feeling, and I thank God for it

I think it's that time of year...

2007-12-06T18:32:00.000Z

Well, every year since I had my first blog I have reflected on the whole year and looked at all the things that have happened and how I've grown through them. It's definitley getting to that time of year, where I do that How exciting (or self obsessed, one of the two!!)

January

I genuinely don't remember all that much about January, other than struggling with depression, and getting booked in with the psychiatrist. It was a pretty intense month if I remember rightly, and I was really really low. It's so weird... I don't actually remember anything about it anything about it, apart from the fact it was a really hard month. But I got through it, and came out really well after a few months of it. And that's something that really excites me, because I realise that even in the depths of depression, there is hope, and that I can get through it, and be happy again. I think that's something well worth holding onto

February

February was a busy month. It was the comedy festival in Leicester, which happens every year, and is bloody marvellous! I cannot wait till next years. Simon and me went to quite a bit including Russell Brand, who was fantastic, though that was when I actually liked him... and we also went to a gig just around the corner from where I live now, at a place called 'Bambu' it was this comedy gig done by a Happy go Lucky Christian and a Manic Depressive Atheist. The contrast was fantastic and was very funny. My laugh also got mentioned in the Leicester Mercury. haha.

As well as Russell Brand I went to see Killers at Birmingham NEC Arena. I expected them to be fantastic, but I'm afraid I was greatly dissappointed. They were bland, and completley not suited to that venue. All very dissaopointing I feel.

Finally engagements... One weekend in February (I THINK it was the 11th and 12th) Simon asked me to marry him, so we got engaged... (more about this later) and My sister and S also got engaged the day after, which was very exciting!!!

March

March was also a pretty intense month if I remember rightly. I was waiting all month for my first Psychiatrist appointment, and that was fairly emotionally draining. After all the waiting it turned out to be a shocking and painful experience. Never again...

I also went to see the Howling Bells, who were really great. B and me went to see them in Nottingham Rescue Rooms, which is a fab little venue behind the Rock City. We sat upstairs and ate food, and I fell asleep during the support act who must have been pretty bad! Howling Bells were great though. We saw them supporting Placebo the previous December.

April

April was a pretty dull month really. I think I had my second, and final appointment with the psychiatrist, which was bloody awful. I got told I had an 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' whatever one of those is. Haha. A complete waste of time, and emotional energy. I'd never go back there again...

May

May was a pretty excellent month. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember going to see the Manics in Wolverhampton and Nottingham and they were impeccable, as always. I went to Wolverhampton with A and K, and it was lovely. We had an absolutley fab night! I then went to see them three days after in Nottingham at the Rock City, and it was well ace. That was my 10th Manics gig. We didn't get there very early, which upset me greatly because I wanted to get really close and I didn't think I'd stand a chance. But I got to the barrier for the first time ever at a Manics gig! Oooh it was good!

June

June was a pretty good month! I handed in my first year fieldwork, and on the same day A, B and me went to see the Manics in Leicester. It was one of the best nights out I'd had in a loooong time! After the gig had finished we went around the back of De Montfort Hall and we met them. They were so lovely. I was a little less obsessive, and hyper as I met them last time, so actually managed to have coherent conversations with them. Warrented the one with Sean was about his mum, and that really was a little obscure, but he started it!! After that we went back to mine, pretty much downed a bottle of wine and then we went to Mosh. It was suuuch a good night! We managed to get back mine for 5-5.30am the following morning and stumbled into bed.

As well as that I had my birthday, which was fairly ok, but lots of friends forget about it which was a little poo, and I was mega stressed out for it because of the Cathedral Open Day I was organising. Either way, Simon did his best to make me enjoy it, and I think I did.

The Cathedral Open Day was exhausting but went really well, and I was pleased with myself :)

July

July was a pretty intense month. It was Simons birthday which I have to say was lovely, and one of the nicest memories of being with him that I have, not that there aren't others. It was also my sisters and now brother in laws wedding, which was a truly wonderful, and magical day :) I was so proud of my big sis, and cried lots!! Then there was Taize. Wow. What an experience. I can honestly say it was probably the single most powerful, best, and worst week of my life. The day before we went I spent crying my eyes out. I genuinely didn't want to go. I have no idea why I was dreading it was much as I was, but I really was... I now have absolutley no idea why, apart from the fact it forced me to face upto a lot of things I really never wanted to face up to. But I'm so so glad I did. It was a genuinely amazing week, and it touched me in many ways. I have changed so much since then. To the point of my depression really changing. Yeah, sure I still have down days, but I have never been as low as I was before Taize. I learnt a lot about myself that week, and I still have a lot to learn, but it was the start of a new path for me, and I'm happy God has given me the chance to take it. Even thinking about that week gives me a feeling peace.

August

August was an odd month... at the beginning Simon and me split up, which was definitley the right thing to do. He was amazing, but it really wasn't right and I needed to get out of it. I learnt so much about myself in Taize, and I realised that while I was with Simon I could never have put that into practice, and it's still hard to do that now, but it's much much easier. I am actually starting to like myself :)

At the end of August I went to GreenBelt with K's young people, and it was really enjoyable. Went to some really good talks, which really made me think, and saw lots of people which was lovely :)

September

September was a month of self discovery and I learnt lots about myself, not all good. I drank far too much, spent far too much, and spent far too much time not really being an accountable youth worker. Actually, September challenged me, and made me realise just how much I adore my job, and desperatly want to be accountable to my young people. September was an amazing month, and I LOVED every minute of it, but it was also a huge learning curve, and I'm not sure I'd really want to go back there. For the first time in a long time though I felt at ease, and genuinely didn't care what people thought of me. I liked that :)

October

In october I went to see Robots in Disguise, and Rufus Wainwright, amongst lots of other things including going out lots, meeting new people. Another faaab month! Really enjoyed lots of it, but also had some tough moments. Anyway most of it was good :)

November

November was a bit drab. Didnt really do a lot apart from stress lots about college, do college work, and avoid college work. I also went home for my mums birthday, and my mum had a really lovely time. That made me happy. I like doing stuff for other people so much.

I also went to see Rilo Kiley in London. It wasn't really all that great actually. The gig was proper dull, and the company wasnt much better... Sometiemes gigs can be crap, but the company kind of makes up for it, or vice versa, but this was just not good.

December

Well life is pretty good. It's only the 6th December, but I've already been to see Crowded House, and they were absolutley fantastic. Good gig, good company, completley the opposite to Rilo Kiley!!

I'm really looking forward to going home for Christmas, and trying to catch up with some friends before that.

There's a few complexities in life at the moment, but I'm happy, and feel a real inner peace. I like that

I've learnt a lot this year about myself, and there's a lot more to learn, but I'm happy, and content.

Life and the Power of Prayer...

2007-12-05T21:35:00.000Z

Things have been really busy lately. I ended up getting dragged into loads of things at the weekend, and can honestly say I can't remember the last full day I had off. I am feeling exhausted and so ready for a break.

Amidst the exhaustion, I have forgotton the things that are genuinely important to me, including spending time with friends, chatting to family, and a variety of other things, but probably the most important thing is spending time with God. Having a job in ministry is fantastic, and ultimately where I feel called to be, however so often it becomes a job, not a vocation. I forget the reasons behind doing it, and forget that I should talk to God about stuff, but more importantly completley forget to listen to God.

Things have been really complicated just lately for one reason or another, and I've got to say things have really got on top of me. I had coffee with a friend today, and it was immensly powerful. We spent time talking about important stuff, and in all honesty it drained me, as life seems to have been doing a lot lately. After that we prayed together. If I'm honest I've not actually sat down and prayed for a long time, and certainly not reflected or listened to Gods word. The feeling of peace was over-whelming, it really was. There's been a couple of situations I've felt genuinely uneasy about lately, and yet praying to God about them today meant I was able to hand them over to God, and actually let Him take over. It was amazing, and I genuinely feel an inner peace about the situation.

Since I got back from Taize my personal faith has become a lot more important to me, and I've spent much more time than I used to reflecting on my faith, on God, and on God in life situations. However, recently, amongst the busyness of life, I seem to have lost this completley. I really need to spend more time with God, listening to Him, and just being.

Busy week

2007-11-29T20:15:00.000Z

This week has been pretty manic really. College monday and tuesday, counselling, meetings and notice sheet writing yesterday and random meetings, funding plans amongst other things today. Am absolutley knackered.

Counselling was interesting to say the least yesterday. It was really intense, as was last weeks, and it took a lot of energy out of me. I walked back home, and can honestly say I felt like I'd been hit by a double decker bus. It was good though, and I think it's effective. So difficult to tell after two sessions, but I am glad I'm doing it. I guess that's all I can say about it at the moment.

Tomorrow I've got a fairly busy day with line management in the morning, and then admin stuff, so nothing too bad I dont think. Then I've got this weekend off, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to having nothing to do!

Evangalism...

2007-11-22T17:41:00.000Z

A couple of months ago I was involved with the filming of the Leicester Young People for Life DVD that has just been launched in the diocese. I've just watched it for the first time, and although am pleased with the parts they have picked out and highlighted etc, I wonder if I sound a little "evangelical", and that makes me feel quite uncomfortable. As someone who is deeply passionate about my faith, I wonder if this is something I should raise questions about. However I am unsure I want to raise those questions...

I've been questioning what the word "evangilism" actually means and so looked in the dictionary:

'Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work'

Why is it that a lot of the Christians I know choose 'zelous preaching' and choose not to 'disseminate the gospel' in other ways? The thought of people preaching the gospel to me through words even as a Christian, fills me with immense fear. It probably shouldn't but it does. It makes me feel greatly uncomfortable, and is something I lack the ability to do completley. As someone involved in Youth Ministry I often question if I should be more effective at 'evangalising' and talking the talk. But actually I have no inclination or desire to. I love talking about my faith and thology, but I think that's entirely different than preaching about it to people that dont necessarily want to hear about it.

To me it is much more important to 'disseminate the gospel' through being Christ-like, through loving other people and being accountable. I like that, and that is where my passion lies. And yet I have to question the way I have done this recently. I have been in a process of loving life and learning to love myself, but in that process have forgotton the importance of the most important thing in my life... I'm struggling to work things through and am desperate to be accountable, and evangalise in the way I feel God is calling me, but at the moment I just feel as if I fail every time, and get knocked down at the first hurdle. Something I have done so freqently in life of late is forgetting God, and also forgetting to pray. I guess this is something I ought to focus on, and not beat myself up when I mess up.

God loves, God accepts, and God forgives. He's done this time and time again for me, and I hope that that is something I can do towards other people. I have a huge passion for my faith and it is something very deep and personal to me, yet I do so desperatly want other to see that passion within me. I just don't want to have to share it via words. I want to show Christ, by loving, accepting and forgiving. That's what's crucial to me...

recent lack of updates...

2007-11-20T17:49:00.000Z

I've not really updated for a little while, as things have been fairly confusing and complicated, and the thought of writing about them, and playing them over my head more than necessary is draining in itself.

I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.

I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.

Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.

I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.

I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.

Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...

Gigs and Clubs

2007-10-30T19:15:00.000Z

Well the last month or so I've not really updated, one because I've been procesing a hell of a lot of stuff, and not wanted to write anything about it, and two because I've had an insanely busy month and not really had time to even update.

Some of the higlights:

Claire's Weekend Visit - 19th - 20th October

Claire came down from Liverpool on 19th October to come and visit me. It was soooo much fun. We spent the night chatting away and stuff about life in general, and having our normal heart to heart. Claire is an old school friend. We don't really see each other or chat that regularly but whenever we do it's like we havent been apart at all. It's wonderful. We went to MOSH and had an absolutley ace night - we even got our photo on the MOSH website. I find that quite sad actually!!

Rufus Wainwright - 26th October

Charlotte and me went to see Rufus Wainwright last Friday at the Symphony Hall and he was totally amazing. Soooo good and talented. Scott Matthews supported who was very very good, and then Rufus came on for an hour and then had a break and then came on or another 90 minutes! So worth it! He was also very witty.

I absolutley LOVE him!

He got changed many times, and was very very entertaining.

First half he was weatring the following:

It's actually a lot more colourful than it looked on the photo!

After that he came out dressed in a Lederhosen which was very funny!

The second half was just amazing, and the final song before the encore was absolutley impeccable (Sadly I can't currently remember the name of the song, which is highly frustrating when trying to locate it to listen to!!)

I didnt think they were going to do an encore because of the way they left the stage, but the encore was most definitley the best bit!

Rufus came out in a dressing gown and played a few songs on the piano. I think most people at this point were wondering what he was hiding underneath! Well it was quite something! After the few songs on the piano he put some earings on, a ring, and some lipstick, and highheels.. He then did a cover of 'Get Happy' and it was marvellous!!

He did mime this, but I will clarify it was the only bit of the whole show he mimes. It was absolutley brilliant though! That performance isnt actually from Birmingham, in Brum for some reason they were all wearng builders hats! Was very funny!

Robots in Disguise - 29th October

Last night I went to go and see Robots in Disguise and they were absolutley stunning! There was three support acts which was a bit crap because it meant that RID didn't come on till about 11pm and then they didn't play for as long as I'd hoped, but they were amazing. So much fun! I had a feeling they'd be completley pretentious, and not really that nice, but they weren't at all.

They were a lot better than I expected them to be!

Although there were three support acts time didnt drag at all. We made a pretty good night out of it. A couple of cheeky drinks in before we went to the gig and then a few while we were there.

I went with Bob, Harvey and Matt. Matt and Harvey are a
couple of lads Alex and me met in Mosh a few weeks ago. I've not seen them since we went to mosh so gotta admit was hoping it wasn't going to be too weird, but it wasnt at all

Faaaaaaab night!!!!

Well I am going to try and update and reflect a little on life tomorrow... I now have the day off work as I have I landed myself in A&E today after I discovered I couldnt breathe and was having severe chest pains. Apparantly I've popped a muscle out in my chest or something (?!)... I didn't know something as simple could be so damned painful. It's quite horrible!

2007-09-26T12:34:00.001Z

Not updated in a couple of days as have been away at college and other various things...

Sunday: Bob came over and we had a very lovely roast dinner. We had lamb, and roast potatoes, and loads of other delights! It was lovely.

Monday and Tuesday: I was at college which was actually really good. I must admit I was really dreading going back and getting back into it, but it was so fab, and enjoyable. Had some good chats with people and also had a very nice Chinese Take-away with Kelly and Katy which was delightful and yummy.

Today has been really good so far. Met up with Anna this morning for coffee which was nice. We also went to the Christian bookshop and brought some Bible notes. We've decided while she is still in England we're going to try and meet up on a weekly basis and reflect on the notes, and talk about what God's been saying to us that week etc about those weeks notes. Am very excited by this as feel like it will actually be a real motivation for me to actually get down to it and read my bible. It was lovely to meet up with her again after greenbelt. Didn't really get to chat with her then, so was cool :)

Also gone into work and Sarah has designed a fab leaflet with all the youth work activities and stuff the Cathedral do etc. So very pleased with that. We now have a logo for Youth at Leicester Cathedral which is most exciting!! :) This evening I have been doing a design group with some young people about a basement we've got and are wanting to turn into a youth facility. It was ace :)

Life is really good at the moment. I'm excited about work, and just where God may or may not be taking me. Whilst at college I chatted to a couple of people about callings etc, and have decided that actually I need to stop dwelling on what may happen in the future. I need to be open to embracing it, but I also need to live my life for the now at the moment. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!

2007-09-22T14:55:00.000Z

Well, this morning I was awoken by the postman dropping a rather large parcel through my door. I hadn't got a clue what it was, as very few people know my address, and I just didn't recognise the writing at all! I looooove getting parcels through the post when I don't know what they are! It's a complete surprise and it's all very exciting! Anyway, I opened it and recognised a couple of the leaflets that dropped out, and realised the person who was sending me this package was Steve - the guy we met in a church in Oxford last week! How amazing! I'd sent him an email last week and he must have picked my address off the bottom of it and decided to send me a parcel. There was two CD's, a book, and lots of leaflets etc, with a little card. I was so touched.

I've been listening to the CD this morning and generally it wouldn't be my kind of thing, but I do really like it. This one verse of a song goes:

'I tried to walk on the water and found myself under the sea

So with water up my nose I felt your hand come close to save me

I’ve tried to cast out the demons I’ve gone to the darkest of regions

When fear has me shaking you suddenly break in to save me '

I like these words a lot, and they really relate to a lot of the things I've been thinking and feeling lately. I guess I want to work things through on my own a lot, and don't really want God's help, but actually without it, I'm just never going to get through, so it's about remembering that, and also where I am without God...

Things I want to do with my life...

2007-09-19T14:53:00.000Z

So... I was on facebook this morning and added the 'Interests +' application to my profile. There is a section on there called 'Things I want to do with my life'... I added the following things (in no particular order):

Enjoy life
Get Married
Write a book
Make other people happy
Help others
Be happy and laugh a lot
Have children
Serve God
Adopt a child
Learn new things

I am currently wondering how many of these things I will actually do, and how many of these things are actually in my control. I am also wondering if I worry too much about how many of these things I'll get to do...

The important ones to me are: Enjoy life, Make other people happy, help others, be happy and laugh a lot, serve God, and Learn new things.

The things I really want, but know I could do without are: get married, have children, and adopt a child...

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to get married. I guess it's the ideal isn't it? You find someone, you get married, you have a few kids, and live happily ever after. I want these more than anything, but wonder if it will ever happen. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and have a long time before I have to make these desicions, but it is something I wonder about. I guess part of me also wonders if anyone will ever find me good enough to spend their life with? I like myself a lot lot more since I got back from Taize, and I am trying so hard... but I do honestly have to question if I am good enough to have a family... if someone would ever like me enough to spend their whole life with me... I wonder if I am capable of bringing up children, and if anyone would ever actually let me adopt anyway...

Then I'm brought back to God... actually yes, He thinks I'm good enough, and if it's in His plans (whatever they may be...) then someone else will think I'm good enough... and I'll either have children of my own or adopt... I dont even mind which... I just want children so much...

Does everyone think they aren't good enough...? I worry sometimes it's just me. That's not meant in a self-obsessive way, but I do... even though I know it's not the case...

The more important things:

Serve God...

Ultimatley I guess this is the one thing I want to do with my life, and I guess that with this a lot of the other things in my 'important list' would get covered too... I still don't know if God calls people, or if he just puts strong desires on people's hearts, or in fact if they are the same thing... what I do know, is that I want to learn to know God better, and that I do need to trust him more. If I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll find it a little easier to serve the big guy...

Enjoy life...

Sometimes I regret being such a dull teenager and never going out and getting drunk blah blah blah... and then I think hang on a minute, on a life scale, those things are boring, and mundane, and actually although I like doing those things they DON'T actually help me to enjoy life in the big scale of things... I guess I need to embrace things a little more...

Make other people happy...

I often need to be needed... it's not always the case, but I so desperatly want to make others happy and help them out where I can... I guess if I can't make someone happy I feel like I've failed in some way... yet it's not actually in my power to make others happy is it? Sure, I can help, I can be selfless, and do stuff to contribute to making others happy, but ultimatley it's not just upto me... And I guess sometimes, I need to realise this, so that I don't feel a huge sense of failure if I can't make someone happy or help them in the way I want to

Learn new things

My fieldwork tutor is amazing! He must be in his 70's and is still so hungry to learn... Since starting this degree he has been a massive inspiration to me... he's humble, and has an amazing inner peace/strength about him, which I can only put down to his passion for God, and helping others. He is open to learning about whatever he can, and I find that so inspiring... If I could be half of what Terry is at his age, I think I'd be happy

I guess the point of this post is to question how important some of those things are on that list... How much do I actually need to worry about them, and how much do I need to hand them over to God...? It's not easy to do that though is it?

2007-09-19T13:04:00.000Z

Feeling lots better today. Spent a lot of time chatting ro Richard last night on messenger. Was just chatting about life and stuff, and the future, and told him lots of stuff that I've needed to talk through with someone for a good while. It's not really made any of it any clearer, but was just good to chat things through with someone, as I just don't do that normally. Find it so hard to talk to people about emotions, plans, feelings etc...

Today I have got up, and literally done nothing since then. I got up at about 9am, and have been watching day time TV ever since.

Sounds like Bob is planning to come back to Leicester tonight with Seb and Dave. Apparantly Dave has got conjunctivitus and is not wanting to drive back to Sheffield, so Bob has said they can stop at his. Therefore, I think we're going out for a drink which will be quite nice. Could do with a good night.

2007-09-18T16:41:00.001Z

Not really feeling so great again today. Feeling a little miserable and bit lonely. Not really done a lot. Just been at work this morning for a couple of hours, and then I went and had lunch with Robin and chatted about random youth work stuff.

This afternoon I have slept again, which has been good, but will probably mean I won't sleep tonight now...

I just dunno how I'm feeling at the moment, and it's kinda horrible. Not felt like this since way before Taize, and it kinda sucks :(

2007-09-17T21:39:00.000Z

I have been so efficient today. This morning I went to Eucharist and Staff Breakfast, and then I did loads of work including the youth notice sheet for this Sunday, contact lots of people, arrange dates for the october half trips I'm doing, do a Taize poster, and attend a meeting. All in two hours.

After that I met up th Shell, as she was in Leicester for an interview. She's moving to Leicester on Friday which is very cool. I reckon she will mostly have her own set of friends as time moves on, and we've not really been in contact for a couple of years, and we're both doing entirely different things, but it'll be cool to see her on occasions etc :) Was lovely to see her today.

Then I did some food shopping, came home and had a snooze as for some reason was totally exhausted, and then I cooked as Peter was coming round for dinner tonight. Was nice to see Peter actually. Not really seen him properly in a little while, so it was cool.

Now I have to go and make an effort to wash up, or at least leave things to soak, so they aren't caked in food tomorrow and impossible to clean!

I a so tired... even though I did sleep for two hours this afternoon.

Feeling kind of miserable actually, and I don't even know why, had a lovely day :(

2007-09-16T15:29:00.000Z

Today hasn't been too bad. I was at church this morning, and the service was lovely, and then I dashed into Leicester to get some lunch, and then came back to the Cathedral Centre for the Taize - Prayers with Songs service. It was great, as always. I so wish I could get involved more with Taize, or go over there for much much longer, but I know if I did it would be entirely for the wrong reasons. If I was to get involved with more Taize services, it would be because I don't really enjoy worshipping God in other ways, therefore possibly a bit of escapism from reality... if I went to Taize for longer each year, it would be because I don't really enjoy getting on with the real world of life! Therefore, escapism! Escpaism is good... but I don't think you can really escape forever, not even in the form of Taize, no matter how much I would like to, or pretend to myself I could.

The rest of this afternoon I have spent at the Cathedral Centre preparing for this session I have got with the choir after evensong. I am feeling a little stressed about it actually. This is my first proper session as a youth leader in soooo long, and with young people I don't really know, so I have to admit I'm kinda worried. I'm also a little worried that none of the young people will stick around for it, as they aren't used to stopping after evensong for something else... so it could be interesting!

Tonight I am stopping in, and avoiding alcohol again which is good. When I came back from residential, I realised there was only about three days between coming back from greenbelt and the thursday we came back from residential that I hadn't actually had some kind of alcoholic drink, and I have to say it got me a little worried about how much I was drinking! Needless to say, Friday, yesterday, and today I have tried not to drink anything!! Instead I think I shall watch TV, and possibly a film, and then have an early night again. I went to bed at 9.15 last night. How sad is that eh? I was so tired. Feeling very refreshed today though, which is nice :)

Trust...

2007-09-16T07:56:00.000Z

I've woken up today in a really contemplative mood. The more I think about life, friends, family, and ultimatley God, I just don't know where I'm meant to be. How are you meant to know the difference between God's calling, and your desires? Does God just have one calling for you, or does he have numerous? Does God actually have a calling at all?

Just over a year ago, I was going through possibly one of the worst times in my life, and was with people who made me feel genuinely crap about myself. I hated myself, and thought I was utterly worthless. I also realised through numerous things at that current point in time, that I was an absolutley dreadful Christian, obviously, this made me feel even worse about myself. I kept screwing up, and hurting God, and I didn't really feel like there was a lot I could do about it. The one day I totally broke down in tears, while talking to Dave, I told him how I felt and how much of a crap Christian I was. He was brilliant about it all, and basically said, that yes, I probably was, but that was ok, because actually we all are. We all sin, and that it's ok because God forgives us. That one moment helped me so much, and made me realise so much about my own faith, and life.

Since then though I've really struggled with letting God in, and letting Him take over. A huge part of me wonders whether he really does have a plan for us or not, and as a Christian I do wonder if I should be having these thoughts? But I just don't know. Sometimes, things feel so right in life, and you think that it MUST be God, because why would it feel THIS right if it wasn't?

The phrase 'you have to do what's right' really winds me up... and yet I know I am totally guilty of using it myself, so much! But it does. How do you know what's right, and again, how do you know if it's God's right, and not just what we think is right?

I'm confused about life at the moment. Not just one thing, a whole load of things. I don't know where I'm meant to be anymore, what God wants me to do, if in fact he does actually want me to anything, and it's a painful process.

I titled this post 'Trust', and as of yet have written nothing about trust, but I guess that's just it. I am letting all of these emotions take over, and confuse me, when ultimatley I know I have to have hope, and trust in God. I just don't know how I'm meant to do that whilst feeling all of the above...

God works in mysterious ways...

2007-09-14T10:40:00.000Z

Well, I've been away this week at residential. It was a completley mixed week, in that on Tuesday and Wednesday morning I had hit a big low and asked questions regarding the point of the week was, even whether there was much point in me being on the confused. I was confused, and felt genuinely quite pained to be there. Before I went I had desperatly tried to tell myself to go in positively and mix with people like I hadn't previously done. However, when it came to it, I just couldn't do it. On Wednesday morning Kelly, Barrie, Katy and myself all felt relatively disheartened by the week - the lack of lectures, and the cancellation of worship for things such as the boat race. There was a lecture that morning on advanced critical writing which none of us particularly wanted to attend as felt we could write critically without going to a two hour lecture telling us what we already knew. So we sat at a picnic table trying to work out what we could do instead. We talked about going into Oxford and going shopping, but decided that was really the last thing we wanted to do as none of us had any money, and really didn't want to be walking around the shops anyway. We then talked about going for a walk or to a tourist attraction, but as we had no Internet access, decdied against that too. Eventually a bus pulled up beside us, and we get on it... it was going to Oxford, a place we'd already said we didn't want to go.

After we got on the bus we all said how we didn't do anything spontaneous, and couldnt really work out why we'd ended up on the U1 bus into Oxford!!

When we got into Oxford we went for a coffee, and then couldn't work out where to go next. Anyway, Barrie suggested we should go into a church, so we walked to the church closest to us, and went in. After spending time walking around, and Barrie spent time praying, we sat down together and talked about the week, and then went onto to talk about some other stuff.

At this point a man walked past us, and said hello to us. We smiled and said hello back and then continued talking. Eventually he walked past us again, and stopped and started asking us about the Bible we had open, and if we read it/believed what it said. When we told him we did, he starting telling us how he felt the need to come and talk to us, and pray for us. After asking us what we were doing in Oxford, and us telling him we were on a course he prayed for us... during this prayer it was clear that God had done is wonderful job of managing to put us all in this place together, and we all felt completley refreshed by it all. It also happened that Steve (the man we met) was now living in New Zealand and was only back in England for three weeks!! He picked out phrases we'd used between us that morning, and then after he finished praying, told us that no matter what we should not let people drag us down or put the fire out that burns for God inside of us. This went deeper down, as was almost exactly what we had been talking about previously that morning. It was like he knew us, had spent time with us, and knew exactly what we needed prayer for. He then prayed for us again with such passion, laughed, said 'Man, you guys are too much' and walked off laughing. He left all four of us hugging each other in a state of tears! It was such an amazing experience.

Barrie and I have both emailed him today, but Barries email is so eloquent... I shall paste it hear, as it explains the situation so well, and thanks Him, and God for the amazing experience.:

'Hi Steve,

How do I start this e-mail?

I'm one of the 4 student Youth Ministers you met and prayed for in the church in Oxford on Wednesday morning (We were so brought there by God that I don't even know the name of the church!) I'm the easy one to remember as I'm the only guy in the group!

I just want to say thank you for your courage - for approaching us and talking to us as you felt the Spirit draw you to us.

We'd had absolutely no intention of coming into the City from Wheatley that morning, in fact we'd agreed it was the last thing we wanted to do, however when a bus drew alongside us, we just got on it. After coffee and a walk, the church seemed to appear out of the faceless shops, and we wandered in.I spent some time praying in the Lady chapel, and I could feel the Spirit beginning to move in me - I knew something awesome was going to happen, I didn't realise quite how awesome.

All morning we'd been complaining about the organisation of our college - bringing us to Oxford from the Midlands for 3 days in our busy schedules, and then offering us a programme of pointless lectures and cancelled worship. Meeting you, and your words to us, was like a great big Godly slap in the face. It was like He was telling us in no uncertain terms that He is at work in each and every life every single second. Who are we to question Him?More than that, your words spoke to us as a group of friends, and certainly to me as an individual. It was as if you knew us, in fact you even spoke phrases lifted directly from our earlier conversations. That's how we all knew you were speaking God's words to us.

At a point in the week when we were all feeling pretty low, meeting you and us all being ablaze with the Spirit gave us the lift that we needed. After you walked away laughing, we spent several minutes hugging and crying (scaring off a few visitors to the church in the process). When we left, I felt like I was walking on air.

Someone back at the college asked me where we'd been. I told her we'd been into the City, to a church, where God had sent a man from New Zealand to pray for us.

I hope and pray that the gloom and greyness of England has lifted somewhat from you, and that you enjoy your homeland. There are those of us here with fire in our hearts for Jesus, and with the passion to see lives changed. May God continue to bless you and your family and the work you are doing

Shalom

Barrie - I hope you don't mind me using this here, but it explains it so well!

Thank you God, Thank you Steve, and thank you Katy, Kelly and Barrie - you're such good mates, and I appreciate you so much. I feel like this week has made us so much closer, and it's meant the world to me. Residetntial may have been a complete waste of time in one respect, but on the other hand it was a huge learning curve, and I am so glad we were together to share it

2007-09-10T20:24:00.000Z

After being unwell for over a month, I gave in and went to the doctors today. I was told I had a sinus infection (which I already knew) and was put on some antibiotics and given a nasal spray. It's odd. The nasal spray is one you can get over the counter and can be used for lots of things including hayfever. It smells just like lillies, which I find very strange in the fact that it is meant to helo hayfever, not irritate it... haha! (Yes before anyone says I do know what hayfever is caused by! :p)

Today has been fairly productive really. Had a meeting with someone this morning which was really useful, then I have spent the rest of the day tidying my flat etc, and making a very lush shepherds pie.

Tomorrow is residential. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. Dunno why I'm dreading it, I guess it's just because I can think of much better things I could be doing... anyway, it's happening whether I like it or not, and I have to go whether I like it or not, so I guess I should just make the most of it!!

Current Favourite Toones...

2007-09-09T18:10:00.000Z

So at the moment I am working on a compilation CD. It's all about the current favourite tunes. So far we have:

Good Morning - Kanye West
Round Here - Counting Crows
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
The Killing Mood - Echo and The Bunnymen
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
Generator - The Holloways

I will be adding lots more than this, however, lots of these songs I either love, or have a huuuge amount of meaning to me for various reasons!

Good Morning - Kanye West

This is the introduction to Kanye West's new album, and will make a fab 'first song' on a compilation CD. It's one of the best songs on the album, and just makes me feel happy and warm when I hear it...

Round Here - Counting Crows

I adore this Counting Crows song. Since hearing Phil play a few songs at greenbelt I've come back and listened to pretty much all the Counting Crows stuff I had, and I've enjoyed it so much. This song is awesome, and I especially like the kind of big cresendo bit at the end, and then how it fades out again. Not sure exactly what it is about this song that does it for me, I just love it...

There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn and Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith

I love love love it when artists take another persons song and transform it into their own. Finn and Smith both do a fab job of taking two of my all time favourite songs, and transforming them into something that I'd never imagine could come from the songs themselves. Patti Smith especially... the use of strings, and her strong vocals all go really well together to make this a very intersting and exciting cover!

Pourple Monde - Crowded House

Since booking tickets to see Crowded House in December I've made an extra big effort to listen to more of their stuff, including their new album 'Time on Earth'. Finn's vocals on this are almose haunting. I love it. This song is one of my favourite on the album for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the music. I love the use of piano in songs, and it is done so well at the beginning of this song that it alreadty has my attention by the time the vocals kick in

Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World

My sister walked into this at her wedding. It will now always remind me of my sisters wedding, and will always send a shiver down my spine! In fact, I can hardly get through the introduction without shedding a tear as it reminds me of how proud I felt of my sister, and how happy I felt for both Emma and Stuart at that time :)

The Killing Moon - Echo and The Bunnymen

I first heard this when watching Donnie Darko, and I loved it. Since then I've listened to it to death, and love it even more. Not too sure what it is about it, I feel like there's something kind of eerie about it... think that comes from watching donnie darko more than anything else!!

Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

This was a song I listened to sooo much when Simon and I split up, and it really depressed me. But the fact of the matter is I can now listen to it and it takes a whole different light up on it. The song talks about the guy touring and how difficult it is for him and his girlfriend and how she wishes he could live a normal life for a little while, so that they can be together for longer amounts of times. It's just a song to me now, but still fab! :)

Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists and Generator - The Holloways

Both of these songs remind me of many a drunken night in MOSH nightclub, and being very happy! I remember we went to Mosh after seeing the Manics back in June, and I was dancing with this guy and Generator came on. He told me I danced a very happy dance during the song which made me smile as I was probably the happiest I'd been in a long time then, and that happiness has continued, and it's fab. I just love life, and this song makes me love life a little more!

2007-09-06T09:19:00.001Z

I have been sorting out my bedroom at home this morning and have found some right little gems from school days etc. It's so weird going through things that I had completley forgotton I had or did! I had the best childhood ever. My parents were soooo fab when I was growing up :) You know, they couldn't afford a lot of the stuff my mates got, and at the time I guess that upset me a little but, but now I cherish the time they gave me. A lot of my mates didn't get to spend anywhere near as much time with their parents as I did as their parents were costantly working and they had child minders etc, but my parents, especially my mum, were always there for me, no matter what, and they gave me the best upbringing I could have wished for. If I can be half the parent they are and have been to be I will be happy :)

2007-08-21T21:11:00.000Z

I so desperatly want to start writing again, but I just dont know where to start... I've got no inspiriation, and it makes me sad. I love poetry. Some of it is so eloquent, so flowing, and generally just beautifully written with so much meaning and heart behind it.

I miss reading it... Most of all I miss writing it.

I want to regain that talent...

2007-08-21T09:36:00.000Z

I spent yesterday afternoon sorting through an old file of mine from last year. Wow. It’s so strange looking back at Oasis Frontline and working in Woodley. It all seems like a distant memory now. I didn’t really enjoy a lot of the time I spent in Woodley, very few people understood me, and though I had a couple of really good friends, I mostly felt like a fish out of water. I so desperately wanted to chuck the whole year in, but didn’t because I don’t give up… no matter how much I hate something I won’t give up or be defeated by it…

It’s weird. I’ve just been reflecting on how much I’ve changed since then, and have realised that no matter how little I thought I’d changed I was actually completely wrong. I’ve changed so much. Just in terms of letting go of the depression a little bit, and facing up to stuff I didn’t necessarily want to face up to.

Only now, a year on from moving away from Woodley do I realise why I was so down there. I desperately wanted to be liked, and if that meant changing all my own personal views on the Christian Faith, and also the person I was, it would be done. And I did change. I changed myself a lot. I spent most of the time hiding under one huge façade, and only allowed myself to be truthful to one person, who I felt completely safe with and also felt like I could let down my barriers with… unfortunately that wasn’t God, which may have been where I went a bit wrong. Don’t get me wrong, that person was a massive help, and still is now, but sometimes, you need something a lot bigger than a person, and a relationship with someone who knows the true you no matter who you are on the surface… and the only one who can do that is God.

My personal relationship with God this year has polarised between to extremes. Most of this year I’ve spent struggling to believe for one reason or another, and then other times during this year I’ve never felt closer to Him. I guess most Christians can say that, and to be honest the nature of my personality probably doesn’t help either. I’m either all or nothing, drastically high or drastically low, and it’s kind of the same with God… either he is absolutely amazing, or totally non-existent. It’s confusing… but things seem to be evening out a lot, and God is a part of my life whether close or far away, I’m not massively high or massively low, but somewhere in between, and I’m not all or nothing, but instead a constant something… and you know, I really really like it!

For once I feel like I can be me, the person God actually created me to be, and the person God loves me for, and, I love it. If people like me for it, fantastic, if people don’t, well, it’s sad, and I still like to be liked by everyone, but it’s no biggy, and shouldn’t stop me from liking myself, or make me be somebody who I’m not.

So no, I’m not going to be somebody else anymore thank you very much. I am going to be me. I am going to be the person I like, my family likes, and my friends like, but most of all, the person God is moulding me to be. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to, but it’s not going to upset me anymore or make me put the big façade I have continually put on for the past 7 or 8 years of my life.

Maybe a slightly thick question but...

2007-08-07T18:28:00.000Z

How do you befriend other people on blogger, I've a few friends who have them, and I just don't get how to subscribe to their blogs. I hate computers, I just don't get it!!!

2007-08-06T18:25:00.000Z

It's been quite a while since I last updated this blog. I guess I've just not had time and not really had a lot to say on it! Life has been fairly mediocre of late.... well... that was until I went to Taize a couple of weeks ago, and then things suddenly changed!!

Taize was amazing, but also got me thinking a lot. Conversations I had with certain individuals, and the silent time amongst others made me become painfully aware of a lot of things, that I didn't necessarily ever want to face. Anyway, I've decided you can't run away from stuff for ever... so I've actually started to face it. And it hurts... It's meant splitting up with Simon, and it's also meant starting life afresh.

It's not going to be easy, and right now I'm so emotional, but you know, I'm also very excited, and also really glad that God has made this stuff clear to me.

This week is a funny one. I'm feeling so lonely and need some mates to just go and do stuff with. I wish I had some around Leicester to do stuff with, or even people further a field up for doing stuff. I'm starting to wonder how many mates I do have, and how many are interested in actually going out... it's kind of worrying

2007-05-25T14:34:00.000Z

Manic Street Preachers - Nottingham Rock City 24/05/07

Thursday 24th May brought me my second Manics gig of the three... Well, it wasn't as good as Wolverhampton Civic, but to be honest, I don't think anything will ever match that gig.

My phone broke on Tuesday, so I had no way of contacting Caz to organise the gig with her. This made me stress muchly as I didn't think I'd be able to go... I was utterly gutted. Anyway, Simons phone came through on Thursday which meant I managed to get hold of her. Thank god!!!

I got to Nottingham about 6.30pm, and went for some tea with Caz and her mate. We didn't end up getting to Rock City until around 8.30pm which I was feeling pretty shitty about because I was desperate to get in front of Mr Wire again. Anyway, the good news was that I managed to miss The Enemy, I'd have got annoyed by them again. The even better news...? Well that was the fact that somehow, I still managed to get onto the barrier! I don't know how. I've never been on the barrier for a Manics gig, but I was, and it was amazing! I got some faaaab photos!!!

The setlist was fairly similar to Monday night, apart from two changes. That was 'I'm Just a Patsy' instead of 'Winterloves'... good, but I reckon they should have stayed with Winterlovers, but that's more because I adore Winterlovers! Second change was No Surface All Feeling to Small Black Flowers, and I have to say I was pretty apathetic over that. Love both of the songs, so either was good! Was nice to hear both of them accoustically actually.

Little Baby Nothing was my favourite song of the night I think. Nicky's introduction was beautiful. I can't really remember what he said, but it was dedicated to Richey, and what he said made me realise just how difficult they must still find it without Richey. I think it suddenly hit me how fab it was for them to carry on after Richey's dissaperance, and how well they've done since then. During Little Baby Nothing Nicky also came down to the crowd which was very cool. Though I was a little pissed off as he didn't quite get as close as me! Grrr!!!

Setlist

You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
I Am Just A Patsy
Faster
La Tristesse Durera
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone
If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next
Small Black Flowers (Acoustic)
This Is Yesterday (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned to Rock and Roll into Motown Junk
A Design For Life

Photos

Roll on June 8th for Leicester! That's what I say!!!

2007-05-23T06:50:00.000Z

Manic Street Preachers - Wolverhampton Civic 21/05/07

So I went to the first of my three Manics gigs on Monday. It was at Wolverhampton Civic. You know, I hate that venue, and yet both times I have seen the Manics there have been totally amazing. They are so suited to the venue, and the crowed just love every minute of it, so did the Manics for that matter!

The enemy were supporting them. They're alright, nothing at all special, and god bless them, they look about 1o. The music currently taking over the indie scene is shit. There needs to be some decent music back on the radio desperatly.

Anyway, the Manics came on at about 9pm, and started the set with You Love Us. I guess it's a relatively predictable song to start off with, but the crowd loved it, as always!

The third song into their set was Motorcycle Emptiness, which James actually dedicated to the venue: 'This might seem a bit abstract, but this ones dedicated to the Civic Hall, we've had so many fucking great gigs here'. As always, it was totally fantastic live!!!

A few surprises to the setlist were Sleepflower, Born to End and James playing the beginning of Condemned to Rock and Roll before Motown Junk. I never thought I'd get to hear Sleepflower live, and I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear it!!! It just utterly blew me away. It's become one of my favourite Manics songs again.

The new songs off Send Away The Tigers all went down well, although I have to admit I'm not too keen on Send Away the Tigers as a live track, think it sounds pretty crap personally the harmony just doesn't work live... Both Rendition and Autumn Song were totally amazing though, as was Imperial Bodybags.

The Wire came out wearing a very attractive skirt in the second half, which was very very attractive. He looked so unbelivabley hot!

I'd gone off the Manics a lot over the past two years or so. I've just not had the interest in them anymore, but since that gig on Monday night I have recognised why I always loved them, and why I became completley obsessed with them. Since then, it's all I've listened to, and since then I seem to have become re-obsessed. There were times in that gig that made me go totally cold, not in a bad way, but some how, some way, the manics always manage to send a shiver down my spine. They're the only band that have ever done that to me, they're the only band that I have ever been obsessed with, and they're the only band I ever want to be obsessed with.

Thank you Manics... you were always such a huge part of my life, and have successfully managed to introduce me into music, literature, and so much else, that no other band have ever managed to do. I will always love you.

Setlist:

You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
Winterlovers
Faster
La Tristesse Durera (Scream to a Sigh)
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next
This Is Yesterday (Solo/Electric)
No Surface All Feeling (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun Form My Heart
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned To Rock and Roll/Motown Junk
A Design For Life

I got to the second row back, right in front of Nicky, as per usual. The Wire was very happy that night :)

Photos:

2007-03-13T11:38:00.000Z

I loved my childhood. I spent days outside riding my bike, making daisy chains, playing with a hoola hoop, and silly games like that with other kids my age in the neighbour hood. It was so much fun. I had no worries at all, apart from if someone 'stole' a sweet from me or if I fell over. Stupid stuff, that didn't matter at all. My parents were amazing, and they were always there to pick me up if I fell. They still are... but they can't just bandage up a graze now or whatever.

I want to be a child again. I want to be that innocent, and have that much fun, without a care in the world... I miss it :(

2007-03-01T12:22:00.000Z

Just had a field work meeting, and I got an A :) yaaaaay! My fieldwork tutor was well pleased with me. I'm really really proud of myself, especially cos I've had so much shit going on this term as well :) :) :)

Tuesday was fab. I met up with Dave, which was so lovely. Dave's great. He understands me so well. It's just brilliant, and makes me feel less fuckwittish... lol!

Yesterday night Bob and me had a take away and played fifa. It was great :)

Tomorrow Alex is coming down for the weekend and I cannot wait to see her. I love that girl

2007-02-05T19:14:00.000Z

Sooo, I've just started this blog. I've had loads of blogs before, but I've never actually been onest in them before. So here we go... a blog where no one really knows me, apart from those friends I've given the link to.

I need a place I can go to, when things are both good and bad. Because I only ever write the positive and I'm sick of being just that...

That's about it for now