Taize, Archbishop of Cantebury, The job and Delilah

Things have been crazy busy ever since moving. They've slowly started to calm down, but things have been intense, and although starting to calm down, still rather hectic!

The first week of August I went to Taize for my third year. This time was different for a variety of reasons. Bob came, which was brilliant. I've been longing to share that experience with him ever since I first went, and no matter how good they are, a prayers with songs service can never be the same as Taize. You aren't surrounded by 4000 other people for starters. There isn't the simplicity that Taize offers, there are people from all over the world there, and it's just a massively powerful experience. It was different because since Taize last year I've been forced to face reality in many ways. Experiences I wanted to pretend never happened, and my self esteem which is destructively low. Last September I was encouraged to go to the doctors by a few people. It's the first time I'd been with mental health issues in well over two and half years, and I wasn't really very happy about having to go. But at that point, it was that, or take my own life, and so I guess where I was at a point of sheer desperation rather than much else... But I went. And I'm glad to say I have been blessed with a very good doctor and an amazing therapist, who are both still seeing me now. So taize was a place where I came back to, a year on, re-reading things I had written one, and two years prior to that. It was a place where I reflected on comments I made in my journal such as 'for the first time in my life, I've realised God loves me, not based on who I am, but the fact I am HIS creation, his child'. I thought about the fact I had such a negative outlook on my life, and myself, and how this could be changed.

This reflection was painful. I think things like that, where you're forced to look at what you see, and what other people see always are. Yet I had to do it, and Taize was a place where I was able to do it safely.

One of the biggest reasons it had been so different to the two years prior however, was due to Archbishop Rowan Williams being there. He arrived on the Thursday morning and stayed there with his family until the Sunday after Eucharist. It was immense, and greatly though provoking. I felt amazing priveledged to be there at the same time, as someone who is seen as both a great theologian, and so high up in the church of England. We got to see him preside a Eucharist in the church or reconcilliation, talk on Thursday evening, and have a question and answer session with him.

He said a number of things which will stick with me, but two which I hold onto, and reflect on a lot, both in terms of the life I live as a Christian, and as the person I see myself to be. I guess these two things SHOULD be inter-twined, and yet this is frequently where I fail. I'm the first to admit it how negatively I view myself, yet the last to want to admit that it's wrong of me to do that, as Gods child. When he talked about the Transfiguration, he reflected on what it means to be a Christian, and commented 'To be a Christian is to everday look into the face of Jesus... If we learn to look into the face of Christ everyday, we may see the face of our neighbour'. So often I reflect on the pain and suffering Jesus suffered, the love He had for us all to be able to do that. And yet I seem to by-pass the idea that Christ is within us. We can see him both in the face of our neighbour, as they should see him in us. Maybe I need to get to a point where I can see him in myself also? Get to a point where I can love myself. The greatest commandment is to love God and our neighbour as ourselves, yet how can I claim to do those things, see Christ in them if first I cannot love myself. I have so much work to do on it, and yet it seems I always fall at the first hurdle. My prayer at the moment, is that God continues to pick me up, and that I can race through.

I guess that brings me onto the second thing that stays with me very clearly. And that is his comment on prayer. Prayer is something I have always struggled with, as all Christians at many points do. How do we know if God has answered a prayer, how should we pray, more to the point, what is prayer. He said

'Prayer is like a river between Jesus and the Father. When we drop into that stream, it is like we're dropping into thar fast flowing water, and being carried along'

It was such a powerful metaphor, and yet something I had never considered up until that point. That idea of Jesus being the river, that communicant between the Father and ourselves. Being carried, in the way the Bible so often refers to. It was beautful, and made me realise just how important prayer is in our christian lives, and how important it is we trust we will not drown, but float.

We got back from Taize on August 10th, and I've got to admit work has been difficult since then. I've found it so hard to adjust to working from home. I know it takes time, and I know I must learn, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I guess that's where it is crucial I hold onto my relationship with God. Especially those key, restoring moments like Taize.

One thing that has made it that little bit easier to work from home - a bit of company is having a cat. We got her last tuesday, so she's still quite unsettled, and not the biggest fan of love and cuddles. I hope that changes in time, but equally, I know all cats do not like it, so I would never push the issue with her. The main thing is, she is beautiful, and she's massively theraputic. Her names Delilah, shes 10 months old and a persian cross.

Not really much else to report on. Life is slowly ticking by, and stuff is pretty good. Bob's basically moved in officially now, and it's completley wonderful to have him round. We went to North Wales on August bank holiday which was very much needed - I'd not been on holiday since I was 17, and we also had my nephew a few weeks ago on Bobs birthday weekend. We had an amazing weekend, and it meant the world to me that Bob got just as involved, and on his birthday. I love him so much. I just couldnt be without him.