I so desperatly want to start writing again, but I just dont know where to start... I've got no inspiriation, and it makes me sad. I love poetry. Some of it is so eloquent, so flowing, and generally just beautifully written with so much meaning and heart behind it.

I miss reading it... Most of all I miss writing it.

I want to regain that talent...

I spent yesterday afternoon sorting through an old file of mine from last year. Wow. It’s so strange looking back at Oasis Frontline and working in Woodley. It all seems like a distant memory now. I didn’t really enjoy a lot of the time I spent in Woodley, very few people understood me, and though I had a couple of really good friends, I mostly felt like a fish out of water. I so desperately wanted to chuck the whole year in, but didn’t because I don’t give up… no matter how much I hate something I won’t give up or be defeated by it…

It’s weird. I’ve just been reflecting on how much I’ve changed since then, and have realised that no matter how little I thought I’d changed I was actually completely wrong. I’ve changed so much. Just in terms of letting go of the depression a little bit, and facing up to stuff I didn’t necessarily want to face up to.

Only now, a year on from moving away from Woodley do I realise why I was so down there. I desperately wanted to be liked, and if that meant changing all my own personal views on the Christian Faith, and also the person I was, it would be done. And I did change. I changed myself a lot. I spent most of the time hiding under one huge façade, and only allowed myself to be truthful to one person, who I felt completely safe with and also felt like I could let down my barriers with… unfortunately that wasn’t God, which may have been where I went a bit wrong. Don’t get me wrong, that person was a massive help, and still is now, but sometimes, you need something a lot bigger than a person, and a relationship with someone who knows the true you no matter who you are on the surface… and the only one who can do that is God.

My personal relationship with God this year has polarised between to extremes. Most of this year I’ve spent struggling to believe for one reason or another, and then other times during this year I’ve never felt closer to Him. I guess most Christians can say that, and to be honest the nature of my personality probably doesn’t help either. I’m either all or nothing, drastically high or drastically low, and it’s kind of the same with God… either he is absolutely amazing, or totally non-existent. It’s confusing… but things seem to be evening out a lot, and God is a part of my life whether close or far away, I’m not massively high or massively low, but somewhere in between, and I’m not all or nothing, but instead a constant something… and you know, I really really like it!

For once I feel like I can be me, the person God actually created me to be, and the person God loves me for, and, I love it. If people like me for it, fantastic, if people don’t, well, it’s sad, and I still like to be liked by everyone, but it’s no biggy, and shouldn’t stop me from liking myself, or make me be somebody who I’m not.

So no, I’m not going to be somebody else anymore thank you very much. I am going to be me. I am going to be the person I like, my family likes, and my friends like, but most of all, the person God is moulding me to be. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to, but it’s not going to upset me anymore or make me put the big façade I have continually put on for the past 7 or 8 years of my life.

Maybe a slightly thick question but...

How do you befriend other people on blogger, I've a few friends who have them, and I just don't get how to subscribe to their blogs. I hate computers, I just don't get it!!!

It's been quite a while since I last updated this blog. I guess I've just not had time and not really had a lot to say on it! Life has been fairly mediocre of late.... well... that was until I went to Taize a couple of weeks ago, and then things suddenly changed!!

Taize was amazing, but also got me thinking a lot. Conversations I had with certain individuals, and the silent time amongst others made me become painfully aware of a lot of things, that I didn't necessarily ever want to face. Anyway, I've decided you can't run away from stuff for ever... so I've actually started to face it. And it hurts... It's meant splitting up with Simon, and it's also meant starting life afresh.

It's not going to be easy, and right now I'm so emotional, but you know, I'm also very excited, and also really glad that God has made this stuff clear to me.

This week is a funny one. I'm feeling so lonely and need some mates to just go and do stuff with. I wish I had some around Leicester to do stuff with, or even people further a field up for doing stuff. I'm starting to wonder how many mates I do have, and how many are interested in actually going out... it's kind of worrying

Manic Street Preachers - Nottingham Rock City 24/05/07

Thursday 24th May brought me my second Manics gig of the three... Well, it wasn't as good as Wolverhampton Civic, but to be honest, I don't think anything will ever match that gig.


My phone broke on Tuesday, so I had no way of contacting Caz to organise the gig with her. This made me stress muchly as I didn't think I'd be able to go... I was utterly gutted. Anyway, Simons phone came through on Thursday which meant I managed to get hold of her. Thank god!!!

I got to Nottingham about 6.30pm, and went for some tea with Caz and her mate. We didn't end up getting to Rock City until around 8.30pm which I was feeling pretty shitty about because I was desperate to get in front of Mr Wire again. Anyway, the good news was that I managed to miss The Enemy, I'd have got annoyed by them again. The even better news...? Well that was the fact that somehow, I still managed to get onto the barrier! I don't know how. I've never been on the barrier for a Manics gig, but I was, and it was amazing! I got some faaaab photos!!!

The setlist was fairly similar to Monday night, apart from two changes. That was 'I'm Just a Patsy' instead of 'Winterloves'... good, but I reckon they should have stayed with Winterlovers, but that's more because I adore Winterlovers! Second change was No Surface All Feeling to Small Black Flowers, and I have to say I was pretty apathetic over that. Love both of the songs, so either was good! Was nice to hear both of them accoustically actually.

Little Baby Nothing was my favourite song of the night I think. Nicky's introduction was beautiful. I can't really remember what he said, but it was dedicated to Richey, and what he said made me realise just how difficult they must still find it without Richey. I think it suddenly hit me how fab it was for them to carry on after Richey's dissaperance, and how well they've done since then. During Little Baby Nothing Nicky also came down to the crowd which was very cool. Though I was a little pissed off as he didn't quite get as close as me! Grrr!!!

Setlist

You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
I Am Just A Patsy
Faster
La Tristesse Durera
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone
If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next
Small Black Flowers (Acoustic)
This Is Yesterday (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned to Rock and Roll into Motown Junk
A Design For Life

Photos

Roll on June 8th for Leicester! That's what I say!!!

Manic Street Preachers - Wolverhampton Civic 21/05/07

So I went to the first of my three Manics gigs on Monday. It was at Wolverhampton Civic. You know, I hate that venue, and yet both times I have seen the Manics there have been totally amazing. They are so suited to the venue, and the crowed just love every minute of it, so did the Manics for that matter!

The enemy were supporting them. They're alright, nothing at all special, and god bless them, they look about 1o. The music currently taking over the indie scene is shit. There needs to be some decent music back on the radio desperatly.

Anyway, the Manics came on at about 9pm, and started the set with You Love Us. I guess it's a relatively predictable song to start off with, but the crowd loved it, as always!

The third song into their set was Motorcycle Emptiness, which James actually dedicated to the venue: 'This might seem a bit abstract, but this ones dedicated to the Civic Hall, we've had so many fucking great gigs here'. As always, it was totally fantastic live!!!

A few surprises to the setlist were Sleepflower, Born to End and James playing the beginning of Condemned to Rock and Roll before Motown Junk. I never thought I'd get to hear Sleepflower live, and I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear it!!! It just utterly blew me away. It's become one of my favourite Manics songs again.

The new songs off Send Away The Tigers all went down well, although I have to admit I'm not too keen on Send Away the Tigers as a live track, think it sounds pretty crap personally the harmony just doesn't work live... Both Rendition and Autumn Song were totally amazing though, as was Imperial Bodybags.

The Wire came out wearing a very attractive skirt in the second half, which was very very attractive. He looked so unbelivabley hot!

I'd gone off the Manics a lot over the past two years or so. I've just not had the interest in them anymore, but since that gig on Monday night I have recognised why I always loved them, and why I became completley obsessed with them. Since then, it's all I've listened to, and since then I seem to have become re-obsessed. There were times in that gig that made me go totally cold, not in a bad way, but some how, some way, the manics always manage to send a shiver down my spine. They're the only band that have ever done that to me, they're the only band that I have ever been obsessed with, and they're the only band I ever want to be obsessed with.

Thank you Manics... you were always such a huge part of my life, and have successfully managed to introduce me into music, literature, and so much else, that no other band have ever managed to do. I will always love you.

Setlist:

You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
Winterlovers
Faster
La Tristesse Durera (Scream to a Sigh)
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next
This Is Yesterday (Solo/Electric)
No Surface All Feeling (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun Form My Heart
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned To Rock and Roll/Motown Junk
A Design For Life

I got to the second row back, right in front of Nicky, as per usual. The Wire was very happy that night :)

Photos:

I loved my childhood. I spent days outside riding my bike, making daisy chains, playing with a hoola hoop, and silly games like that with other kids my age in the neighbour hood. It was so much fun. I had no worries at all, apart from if someone 'stole' a sweet from me or if I fell over. Stupid stuff, that didn't matter at all. My parents were amazing, and they were always there to pick me up if I fell. They still are... but they can't just bandage up a graze now or whatever.

I want to be a child again. I want to be that innocent, and have that much fun, without a care in the world... I miss it :(

Just had a field work meeting, and I got an A :) yaaaaay! My fieldwork tutor was well pleased with me. I'm really really proud of myself, especially cos I've had so much shit going on this term as well :) :) :)

Tuesday was fab. I met up with Dave, which was so lovely. Dave's great. He understands me so well. It's just brilliant, and makes me feel less fuckwittish... lol!

Yesterday night Bob and me had a take away and played fifa. It was great :)

Tomorrow Alex is coming down for the weekend and I cannot wait to see her. I love that girl

Sooo, I've just started this blog. I've had loads of blogs before, but I've never actually been onest in them before. So here we go... a blog where no one really knows me, apart from those friends I've given the link to.

I need a place I can go to, when things are both good and bad. Because I only ever write the positive and I'm sick of being just that...

That's about it for now