recent lack of updates...

I've not really updated for a little while, as things have been fairly confusing and complicated, and the thought of writing about them, and playing them over my head more than necessary is draining in itself.


I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.

I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.

Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.

I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.

I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.

Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...