Trust...

I've woken up today in a really contemplative mood. The more I think about life, friends, family, and ultimatley God, I just don't know where I'm meant to be. How are you meant to know the difference between God's calling, and your desires? Does God just have one calling for you, or does he have numerous? Does God actually have a calling at all?

Just over a year ago, I was going through possibly one of the worst times in my life, and was with people who made me feel genuinely crap about myself. I hated myself, and thought I was utterly worthless. I also realised through numerous things at that current point in time, that I was an absolutley dreadful Christian, obviously, this made me feel even worse about myself. I kept screwing up, and hurting God, and I didn't really feel like there was a lot I could do about it. The one day I totally broke down in tears, while talking to Dave, I told him how I felt and how much of a crap Christian I was. He was brilliant about it all, and basically said, that yes, I probably was, but that was ok, because actually we all are. We all sin, and that it's ok because God forgives us. That one moment helped me so much, and made me realise so much about my own faith, and life.

Since then though I've really struggled with letting God in, and letting Him take over. A huge part of me wonders whether he really does have a plan for us or not, and as a Christian I do wonder if I should be having these thoughts? But I just don't know. Sometimes, things feel so right in life, and you think that it MUST be God, because why would it feel THIS right if it wasn't?

The phrase 'you have to do what's right' really winds me up... and yet I know I am totally guilty of using it myself, so much! But it does. How do you know what's right, and again, how do you know if it's God's right, and not just what we think is right?

I'm confused about life at the moment. Not just one thing, a whole load of things. I don't know where I'm meant to be anymore, what God wants me to do, if in fact he does actually want me to anything, and it's a painful process.

I titled this post 'Trust', and as of yet have written nothing about trust, but I guess that's just it. I am letting all of these emotions take over, and confuse me, when ultimatley I know I have to have hope, and trust in God. I just don't know how I'm meant to do that whilst feeling all of the above...