Maybe it's just the alcohol talking but...

Sooo. I've been through the usual up and downs recently, and I've questioned everything from my existance, to why I am in Leicester, to if anyone really gives a shit about me at all. But. I've been at the Street Pastors AGM tonight, and it was wonderful. It made me realise just how many people I know in Leicester. I don't know if those people really care that much about me or not, but it made me realise how settled I am here, and how much I've learnt to love this place.

I sat there at the beginning, and it was just horrible. I didn't recognise anyone there, and then after the talks I started chatting to loads of people, people I didn't know, but loads of people I did, people I have not chatted to in aaages, and had almost forgotton about. It was just wonderful. The AGM was nice. Good to hear about the Street Pastors updates and also to socialise and share food with others. I've just walked home. It's only a five minute walk away from where I live, and yet I met so many people I knew or recognised.

I picked up a couple of sandwiches from the food left over (I hate left overs!) for my lunch tomorrow, and then saw Lisa a homeless girl in Leicester on the way back, so I gave them to her, and we had a really lovely chat. Just short, and the usual stuff, but it was lovely. I then saw a few people from the EAGA Gospel Choir walking down the road. They'd obviously just been to a practice as they meet on Tuesday nights and they were singing. It was awesome! Then to top things off I saw B from the Cathedral. She's a mate of mine. It was just amazing.

I just realised just how much I loved Leicester and the importance of all those people I recognise. It was so nice.

I've been weighing up the option of changing placements from this coming September or not, and then I have a night like tonight. The Cathedral feels right, and then I see all those people and it makes the whole thing seem right. It's not the ideal, no. But no matter how few friends I have, I like it here. I've settled here, and I don't want to move until the end of my degree.

After much thought and deliberation...

After a long process, painful thoughts, much procrastinating I have finally managed to write a journal adressing the thoughts of my last post. I have also included lots of thoughts from previous blogs and stuff, so I have put a link to downloading it here. If you fancy a read, please do!

http://download.yousendit.com/DED8B8EC75E006CA

Two things...

1. I wish there was someone I could talk to

2. Scouting for Girls are shit. Seriously.

Nothing can ever come between us and the love of God...

So, I'm supposed to be writing a journal for college at the moment, and I'm failing. It's a theological reflection one, and I was doing a bit of research for quotes etc. So actually, I'm not exactly failing, I just got side tracked, and I think I need to vent it out on here before I turn it into a journal. I think I need to put it down in raw terms first, and then dress it up a bit... so here we go.

I've been thinking lots these last few weeks about failure. My inability to have confidence in myself, and the sheer ability I have to turn every positive into a negative. To transform beauty into ugliness. I don't know. I'm not talking about anything in particular, maybe just everything.

In essence, I'm struggling with things a lot lately. Maybe I'm spending too much time contemplating and reflecting on things for my own good. Or maybe I'm right about it all. Who knows. I just know I need to get it all off my chest. So here goes nothing...

So, after Spring Harvest 2005 I realised that God was calling me to youth work, and that it wasn't just something I desired to do. I'd applied to Occupational Therapy at university thinking that it was what I wanted to do, but deep down I knew that I wanted to do youth work and that it was where God was leading me. Now I dont think God has one path for us, I think he can use any we take and transform them into something beautiful, as long as we are also willing to put in the time and the effort. But on this occasion, I knew I needed to cancel my uni applications and go into youth work. So I took a gap year. Honestly? That gap year was living hell. I hated every minute of it, and failed at it quite miserably. There was one or two people who were amazing supportive, and I'm still friends with them to this day. Had it not have been for them, and the grace of God I've absolutley no idea where I would be today. Somehow I got to the end of that year and still felt I was being called to do youth work so I started this degree. I love my placement, and I love the work, but I can't help but think I am still failing. I have no regular youth work happening, everything that was going on in my placement last year has crumbled since J left and I'm left wondering what the hell to do.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for youth work, or if this was all just a hope/dream of mine, and nothing to do with God. I've learnt a lot over these years about myself, and I've learnt lots about youth work, but I can't help but feel if I'm absolutley crap at it. I just wonder how it'll turn out when I get my first full time youth work job after this degree. With no regular youth work experience am I going to feel equipped enough to deal with it?

While I've been on this degree I think I've felt a series of emotions I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel. I've gone from being on top of the universe to the depths of depression. I've felt loved, I've felt lost, and I've felt compeltley numb. Maybe this is all part of me being moulded into a stronger person. But if I'm honest I'm not sure how much more I can deal with. I've become stronger already. At the moment I don't want to be any stronger. I just want to get on with life without thinking about unimaginable stuff all the time. I dont want to keep thinking I'm failing miserably, or that I cant do my job, or that the people at work think I'm a waste of space, and genuinely cant stand me. The problem is, at the moment that's the truth to me. No matter what people say, that's the truth. In my heart I dont know if this is what other people are saying, but in my head it feels that is all they're saying. I just dont know how to get over it.

I've realised I'm not actually super woman. I've realised I need a break, and that I'm losing all ability to hold thing together, and act happy even though I'm not.

Truth is I'm exhausted. I am in desperate need of a break before I have a complete breakdown. Problem I've got, I just dont have time to have a break this next week.

I'm so so tired and emotional

Homeless and Hospitality

Last night I did Street Pastors. In all honesty, I didn't want to go out. Staying at home or going to MOSH both seemed far more appealing. Yet, as always, I came away feeling both refreshed and challenged, thankful, yet sad, contemplative of my own actions, and others.

I had a conversation with S, a man whose homeless. J went and get him a cup of coffee while I sat with him chatting. It opened my eyes immensely to what it was like to be homeless. He was bitter cold, hungry, and had nowhere to go. This is all fairly obvious stuff, but the things you kind of forget about are the insults they receive, the fact that people just walk past without saying a word to them, looking in the opposite direction, or avoiding all eye contact with them pretending they've not seen them.

Now, I'm guilty of the above. I frequently walk on by and ignore them or look in the opposite direction, and having talked to S last night I felt genuinely awful about it. He said that he felt some people were just so ignorant towards him, that they just walked on by and didn't say a word to him. He'd say things like 'have a good night' to passers by and get no response. Again, I'm guilty of the above. So the question I raise is what is better, acknowledging them, but not giving money, feeling obliged to give money/buy them a coffee, or just ignore them? After last night, I've realised I can't go on ignoring them. It's hurtful, and no matter how many times homeless people get ignored I can't imagine it hurts any less. It's rejection. No one likes the feeling of rejection do they?

My problem is, what do you do? One could give to a homeless charity and then walk by and greet the people, but then there's guilt and obligation to give to them as an individual. You could buy them a coffee or a big issue...Now I've been guilty of buying more than one of the same big issue before now off different vendors because I feel so awful that I've already brought one off the guy down the road that I have to buy another one... so we could end up spending money we just cant really afford to spend... so I'm stuck... anyone got any suggestions?

I guess, I was stuck on this one till today, and it's been something I've been reflecting on a lot throughout the day. I went to a relatively local Cathedral to see what youth provisions they have there, and the guy I was supposed to be meeting didn't turn up. I've got to say I was pretty annoyed. I'd spent an hour on the bus getting there, spent money to get there, given up my only day off this week to get there, just to be told he wasn't there and they couldn't get hold of him. Honestly? I wasn't at all impressed. I was less impressed by the fact the people who I spoke to were so unhelpful and unapologetic. Yes, there's only so much they can do, and no, it wasn't their fault, but they could have welcomed me there, instead of sent me packing knowing I'd just had an hour long journey to be told the person wasn't there. Anyway, I was sat down just getting myself ready to leave and a local URC minister asked me if I wanted to join their shared lunch. A group of people from a URC church down south somewhere had come to visit the Cathedral for the day, and this minister who was from a local URC Church had come to the Cathedral to welcome them, and share lunch with them. He welcomed me, talked to me, and shared his lunch with me. A small gesture, yes? But you know what, it meant the absolute world to me. The fact that everyone had literally turned their back on me, and been most unhelpful genuinely upset me, and disheartened me. Are Christians not meant to be welcoming and hospitable? Yet this one man successfully managed to wipe out all of that I felt. These people I'd never met before fed me. I ate so much food, and it was all from people from churches miles away.

My point is, it takes one tiny gesture to change a persons day. They had huge amounts of food, and letting me share that with them was nothing, and yet to be welcomed in that way, by others who weren't even from that church was immense. Mother Theresa once said:

'What we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. I do not agree with the big way of doing things.'

In my experience this is so true. Those little things that people do on a frequent basis are so much more important to me than a one of grand gesture.

So maybe, we should not necessarily be thinking about giving half of our money to homeless or, spend huge amounts of money trying to pull off a big event for our young people. Though we can do that it is not always necessary. A simple stopping and talking to, or greeting someone on the streets, buying a homeless person a coffee, or bag of chips, or listening to our young people intently seem to have far more of an impact. It takes so little out of our time to do an act of random kindness yet the amount it touches another person is incredible. That's certainly not to say we should be doing kind things to benefit ourselves, but it is so nice to see other people happy. One small drop can make someones day. That man today made mine, and I think the guy who brought that homeless man a bag of chips yesterday made his. It takes nothing to do that. Nothing.

Think about it eh?

Lack of updates

Well, I've not been updating this bloggy on a frequent basis for quite some time now. That's for numerous reasons. Partly because I've nothing of importance to say/reflect on, I'm stupidly busy, and... I'm happy.

I finished my counselling sessions on Wednesday. Partly because I was getting sick of them, and parlty because I genuinely didn't feel like I had much to say to her anymore. I was telling her I used to have weight issues when I was a teenager the other day, and she called me large. Hmm. I dont think she meant it how it came accross, but to me that's a really insensitve comment as a counseller, and that's just one example. So, yeah, I gave up on it. It was a waste of time really, and I dont have much time to waste at the moment!

Anyway, I've had a lovely day today, - S's baptism this morning, and then Prayers with Songs this afternoon. It all got me thinking about Taize again. I know I go on about it, and I probably sound like a broken record, but it changed my life. Dramatically. I can't express how, and I want to be able to, but it really has changed me. I guess the main way is that I have a desire to live now. Which is pretty huge really. Ok, so I'm not happy all the time, but then who is? But the matter of fact is, I actually want to live life, no matter what it throws at me, and that really is big.

The problem being, I guess that I wanna live life, and I want to rebel a bit. After all, isn't that what being 20 and being at uni is about? I quite often feel like I dont have that opportunity as much with the degree I'm doing. So when I do, I go all out, and then wonder whether that was the right thing to do. We chatted about what the ideal Christian should do the other day at college. It was the same old stuff - don't get drunk, don't sleep around, don't waste money, blah blah blah. Ok so I don't sleep around, but I get drunk, I waste money, and I do pretty much everything else on the list, that I apparantly shouldnt be doing. Sigh... So I raised this with my group, and also raised the fact that I'm thoroughly enjoying life, and what I'm doing with it, and have also previously had some absolutley awesome conversations about my faith with people when I've been in MOSH. I basically got knocked down a peg, and was told that it was a dangerous life to lead, and that by doing that it was causing big dips in my faith. I disagree with this greatly.

My faith is the most important thing in my life, but to be quite honest, the concept of the ideal Christian life bores me stupid. I did that from the age of 10-19... It seems like the Christian ideal means you can't go out and have any fun no matter what that may entail, or you can but dont forget, it has to be in moderation... I know that's not actually the case, but that's how it feels, and yet if I go out and have the wrong kind of fun I eel judged beyond belief. Who are they to judge though eh? God is the ultimate judge. So why is it then, that sometimes it doesn't feel like it?

I'm truly sorry if you dont like the way I live, or the fact I am a realist. I'm sorry if you think I'm too liberal, or that my way isnt the right way. It probably isn't. But you know, I live out my faith by loving others, and listening to them. I don't do it by condeming their actions, and I'm not going to let people condemn mine. Yet somehow it seems that in the very nature of this post I am letting people condemn my actions, and letting it tear apart my beliefs, and what I stand for.

In essence Christianity confuses me greatly, and most of the time I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian. Not because I'm ashamed of my faith or what I believe, far from it. But because I'm ashamed of the portrayal of Christians in todays society. Asking numerous people what the concept of being a Christian is, and they don't respond with "to love", they respond with "to judge". Why have we let this amazing proclomation of love, life, and ultimate sacrifice, become nothing more than judgement? As I have previously said, God is the ultimate judge, we should love others no matter what.

Reflection on Little Miss Sunshine

Last week Bob came over, and we cooked, and watched Little Miss Sunshine. I absolutley adore this film, becuase I think there's an element of everyone of us in at least one of those characters. I like the fact that a film has been made up of a real (I want to say dysfunctional, but then I think we're all that to an extent) family. After the film Bob and I went for a walk. It was absolutley chucking it down with rain. I like those walks. Anyway. It got me thinking a lot, and I've meant to blog since then, but with being really busy, then ill, I kind of just didn't get round to it.

There is so much of this film that stands out to me in so many ways, but one particular part is quoted as follows:

Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.

Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?

Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

Although said in a fairly flippant way, there is a hell of a lot of depth behind what is being said, and it's made me think a lot about my own life, and the downs and ups. Between that and counselling bringing things to the surface that I hadn't thought about in years, I have been left feeling relatively confused of late. About the past, about some of the things my family has gone through over the last 5 or 6 years, and about how it has been dealt with.

I generally love life, and I generally strive to make the most out of it, friends, family, work, faith, whatever, I want to take hold of it and live it to the full. But by doing that opens up a whole can of worms, and I've got to say as much as I love living life, I do get down fairly easy. Generally this isn't a long term thing, I throw a tantrum, get up, wipe myself clean and move on...

But my family, like pretty much all families has gone through some shit. And it's not been good at all. It's tired me out, it's dragged me down, and left me feeling like life is all pointless, and a complete waste of time/energy. Yet it's in those times that I've learnt most about myself, and my faith in God. In those times I generally completley abandon God, or shout at him a lot. The best thing about that though is that He doesn't abandon me. He's right there, beside me all the way, and I think that that is just the most awesome thing. Happiness is amazing, and is not a waste at all, it should be taken and lived. But I also think sadness should. I like that idea. I like the idea of grabbing it with both hands and embracing it. Welcome the learning I am going to receive and what else it may change about me, and just walk through it.

Ok, so it really isn't that easy is it? Generally I dont walk through it, or embrace it. Instead, I hide in bed and shout at God over it. I would LOVE to be one of these people who can see the positive in a negative situation I am going through myself. Instead I crumble at the first hurdle and make it well known I have crumbled to those around me. So the question I'm left with I guess, is how do I remind myself in the crap times that things are going to get better, and that it's a great learning curve, when all I want to do is run in the opposite direction?! I dont think it's that easy, but I do find it an exciting challenge. A challenge I always fail at miserably. But one day, by the grace of God, I really want to succeed.

life, and stuff kinda hurts a lot really, doesn't it?

Christmas time...

So Christmas has crept up on us, and then passed by within a blink of the eye. It's so strange. Every year without fail people spend such a long time preparing for Christmas, and then it's just gone... within a matter of hours...

This Christmas has been lovely, and yet now it's got to 11pm, it's all over, and that crashing down to the normal world comes, and I have become rather reflective on Christmas, what it means to be a Christian, etc etc...

For years I have hated Christmas. In all honesty, I miss my Gran. Christmas is a family time, and my Gran loved it so much. Yet this year we had all the family over and for the first time since my Gran died in 2003 I've genuinely looked forward to Christmas, and got as excited as a child. Its been a wonderful feeling, and today has been simply delightful, but it's over now... and I'm left reflecting on what it's all about...

Indulgance? - I have eaten so much food today it's untrue...

Presents? - Well I've given and received so many presents... got some I'm not overly keen on, some which are what I wanted, and some that have been made for me with such love, and have over-whelmed me, to the point of making me cry.... I've probably given presents people both love, and hate... Spending hours in shops trying to pick the right thing for the right person, hoping they'll love it, but not absolutley sure because I haven't seen them in such a long time...

Family arguments? - As always there are those wonderful niggles made to one another on Christmas day... it wouldnt be Christmas without those niggles, surely?!

Eastenders? - Ok, so not just Eastenders, but TV in general!

Soooo... none of that is what makes Christmas. I've had a lovely day, and barr a few family niggles towards relatives outside the immidiate family it has been wonderful to spend the day together with the people I love the most in the world. I have enjoyed cooking and eating Christmas dinner, and I have more than enjoyed giving and receiving presents, but admidst all that I forgot what Christmas was really about. God. I don't want to harp on about it, but ultimately it's true, and yet it's forgotton in the rush.... After I left church last night I got home, watched TV and forgot about my faith, trust and passion for Christ. Is that true faith, trust and passion? Well, probably not at that time, but that doesn't make my faith any less poigniant to my life, and lifestyle, and yet I still feel so guilty for indulging so much...

I can't help but reflect on those people who arent as fortunate as me, or those in the world who arent really aware it's Christmas... It makes me feel guilty.

I'm listening to some of the Taize tracks I have on my iPod at the moment... and am reminded of simplicity... and yet that sentance seems to contravene itself... iPod and simplicity...

Seriously though, I am remidned of simplicity, and how nice it was to go away to Taize and live in such simplicity. I long for that, and still can't help but question where God is calling me to. Is there some kind of inbetween... I still have that thought God may be calling me to become a nun, and yet I have so much passion for working out in the world... and I am so so desperate to have a family and adopt. Is there not some inbtween where I can have both? Or is that going against the concept of simplicity?

Am I only wanting to become a nun because I dislike the complexity of life, and want to run away from it, because I lack courage to stick it out? Is it because I have no idea what I want to do, and therefore it's easier to stick my head in the sand? I've got to say, I think both of these things are highly possible, and the fact I'm so scared of never marrying and having a family that it would be easier to stop that myself and have control over it, rather than letting God take control... now that most definitley is NOT a reason to become a nun!

I am utterly confused at the moment, and a blog that was meant to be about Christmas, has suddenly diverted quite a way, and I am reflecting on my future... It's all so very confusing, it really is...

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul de lui vient mon salut Oui sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose, se repose en paix.

- In God alone my soul can find rest and peace, In God my peace and joy. Only in God my soul can find its rest, find its rest and peace.

This genuinely isn't meant to be a depressing post. I'm the happiest I've ever been recently, however I'm also the most reflective and quite possibly the most lost I've ever been. This Christmas has been absolutley wonderful, it really has. I've loved every minute of it! I think my life just lacks any kind of simplicity, and as much as I like some types of complexity, simplicty would always be welcommed!

So, things have been really good these last few weeks. Just felt really at ease with things and content. I dont regularly get that feeling so to get that is really nice actually, and for it to stay with me :)

I've had my sister and her husband over today. It's been really nice to see them actually. They'd not managed to get over to see my flat till now, and have never really had a chance to see anything else, so it's been a really lovely day :)

I've had a lot of time of this week as have been absolutley exhausted. Not taken time off in a long time, so to get a week where I can actually take some time off and not do a lot has been really lovely.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas and see all my family :)

Poetry

Last night I spent time reading through some of the poetry I wrote when I was 14/15. It was really really odd reading them. Most of them were pretty depressing, and dark. I can't ever imagine me feeling low enough to write stuff like that anymore. I actually felt really good about reading them, because it made me think about how much I've matured and how my faith has matured, but also how much stronger I've become. It really did help me to realise that.

I guess sometimes I get really down (although actually havent done for a long while)... but when I do I end up feeling like it's the end of the world. And actually it's not. At all. Life goes on, and we become stronger with the crap that is thrown at us if we choose to let it strengthen us.

I'm really really happy at the moment. Really content and at ease with life. It's a wonderful feeling, and I thank God for it

I think it's that time of year...

Well, every year since I had my first blog I have reflected on the whole year and looked at all the things that have happened and how I've grown through them. It's definitley getting to that time of year, where I do that How exciting (or self obsessed, one of the two!!)

January

I genuinely don't remember all that much about January, other than struggling with depression, and getting booked in with the psychiatrist. It was a pretty intense month if I remember rightly, and I was really really low. It's so weird... I don't actually remember anything about it anything about it, apart from the fact it was a really hard month. But I got through it, and came out really well after a few months of it. And that's something that really excites me, because I realise that even in the depths of depression, there is hope, and that I can get through it, and be happy again. I think that's something well worth holding onto

February

February was a busy month. It was the comedy festival in Leicester, which happens every year, and is bloody marvellous! I cannot wait till next years. Simon and me went to quite a bit including Russell Brand, who was fantastic, though that was when I actually liked him... and we also went to a gig just around the corner from where I live now, at a place called 'Bambu' it was this comedy gig done by a Happy go Lucky Christian and a Manic Depressive Atheist. The contrast was fantastic and was very funny. My laugh also got mentioned in the Leicester Mercury. haha.

As well as Russell Brand I went to see Killers at Birmingham NEC Arena. I expected them to be fantastic, but I'm afraid I was greatly dissappointed. They were bland, and completley not suited to that venue. All very dissaopointing I feel.

Finally engagements... One weekend in February (I THINK it was the 11th and 12th) Simon asked me to marry him, so we got engaged... (more about this later) and My sister and S also got engaged the day after, which was very exciting!!!

March

March was also a pretty intense month if I remember rightly. I was waiting all month for my first Psychiatrist appointment, and that was fairly emotionally draining. After all the waiting it turned out to be a shocking and painful experience. Never again...

I also went to see the Howling Bells, who were really great. B and me went to see them in Nottingham Rescue Rooms, which is a fab little venue behind the Rock City. We sat upstairs and ate food, and I fell asleep during the support act who must have been pretty bad! Howling Bells were great though. We saw them supporting Placebo the previous December.

April

April was a pretty dull month really. I think I had my second, and final appointment with the psychiatrist, which was bloody awful. I got told I had an 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' whatever one of those is. Haha. A complete waste of time, and emotional energy. I'd never go back there again...

May

May was a pretty excellent month. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember going to see the Manics in Wolverhampton and Nottingham and they were impeccable, as always. I went to Wolverhampton with A and K, and it was lovely. We had an absolutley fab night! I then went to see them three days after in Nottingham at the Rock City, and it was well ace. That was my 10th Manics gig. We didn't get there very early, which upset me greatly because I wanted to get really close and I didn't think I'd stand a chance. But I got to the barrier for the first time ever at a Manics gig! Oooh it was good!

June

June was a pretty good month! I handed in my first year fieldwork, and on the same day A, B and me went to see the Manics in Leicester. It was one of the best nights out I'd had in a loooong time! After the gig had finished we went around the back of De Montfort Hall and we met them. They were so lovely. I was a little less obsessive, and hyper as I met them last time, so actually managed to have coherent conversations with them. Warrented the one with Sean was about his mum, and that really was a little obscure, but he started it!! After that we went back to mine, pretty much downed a bottle of wine and then we went to Mosh. It was suuuch a good night! We managed to get back mine for 5-5.30am the following morning and stumbled into bed.

As well as that I had my birthday, which was fairly ok, but lots of friends forget about it which was a little poo, and I was mega stressed out for it because of the Cathedral Open Day I was organising. Either way, Simon did his best to make me enjoy it, and I think I did.

The Cathedral Open Day was exhausting but went really well, and I was pleased with myself :)

July

July was a pretty intense month. It was Simons birthday which I have to say was lovely, and one of the nicest memories of being with him that I have, not that there aren't others. It was also my sisters and now brother in laws wedding, which was a truly wonderful, and magical day :) I was so proud of my big sis, and cried lots!! Then there was Taize. Wow. What an experience. I can honestly say it was probably the single most powerful, best, and worst week of my life. The day before we went I spent crying my eyes out. I genuinely didn't want to go. I have no idea why I was dreading it was much as I was, but I really was... I now have absolutley no idea why, apart from the fact it forced me to face upto a lot of things I really never wanted to face up to. But I'm so so glad I did. It was a genuinely amazing week, and it touched me in many ways. I have changed so much since then. To the point of my depression really changing. Yeah, sure I still have down days, but I have never been as low as I was before Taize. I learnt a lot about myself that week, and I still have a lot to learn, but it was the start of a new path for me, and I'm happy God has given me the chance to take it. Even thinking about that week gives me a feeling peace.

August

August was an odd month... at the beginning Simon and me split up, which was definitley the right thing to do. He was amazing, but it really wasn't right and I needed to get out of it. I learnt so much about myself in Taize, and I realised that while I was with Simon I could never have put that into practice, and it's still hard to do that now, but it's much much easier. I am actually starting to like myself :)

At the end of August I went to GreenBelt with K's young people, and it was really enjoyable. Went to some really good talks, which really made me think, and saw lots of people which was lovely :)

September

September was a month of self discovery and I learnt lots about myself, not all good. I drank far too much, spent far too much, and spent far too much time not really being an accountable youth worker. Actually, September challenged me, and made me realise just how much I adore my job, and desperatly want to be accountable to my young people. September was an amazing month, and I LOVED every minute of it, but it was also a huge learning curve, and I'm not sure I'd really want to go back there. For the first time in a long time though I felt at ease, and genuinely didn't care what people thought of me. I liked that :)

October

In october I went to see Robots in Disguise, and Rufus Wainwright, amongst lots of other things including going out lots, meeting new people. Another faaab month! Really enjoyed lots of it, but also had some tough moments. Anyway most of it was good :)

November

November was a bit drab. Didnt really do a lot apart from stress lots about college, do college work, and avoid college work. I also went home for my mums birthday, and my mum had a really lovely time. That made me happy. I like doing stuff for other people so much.

I also went to see Rilo Kiley in London. It wasn't really all that great actually. The gig was proper dull, and the company wasnt much better... Sometiemes gigs can be crap, but the company kind of makes up for it, or vice versa, but this was just not good.

December

Well life is pretty good. It's only the 6th December, but I've already been to see Crowded House, and they were absolutley fantastic. Good gig, good company, completley the opposite to Rilo Kiley!!

I'm really looking forward to going home for Christmas, and trying to catch up with some friends before that.

There's a few complexities in life at the moment, but I'm happy, and feel a real inner peace. I like that

I've learnt a lot this year about myself, and there's a lot more to learn, but I'm happy, and content.

Life and the Power of Prayer...

Things have been really busy lately. I ended up getting dragged into loads of things at the weekend, and can honestly say I can't remember the last full day I had off. I am feeling exhausted and so ready for a break.

Amidst the exhaustion, I have forgotton the things that are genuinely important to me, including spending time with friends, chatting to family, and a variety of other things, but probably the most important thing is spending time with God. Having a job in ministry is fantastic, and ultimately where I feel called to be, however so often it becomes a job, not a vocation. I forget the reasons behind doing it, and forget that I should talk to God about stuff, but more importantly completley forget to listen to God.

Things have been really complicated just lately for one reason or another, and I've got to say things have really got on top of me. I had coffee with a friend today, and it was immensly powerful. We spent time talking about important stuff, and in all honesty it drained me, as life seems to have been doing a lot lately. After that we prayed together. If I'm honest I've not actually sat down and prayed for a long time, and certainly not reflected or listened to Gods word. The feeling of peace was over-whelming, it really was. There's been a couple of situations I've felt genuinely uneasy about lately, and yet praying to God about them today meant I was able to hand them over to God, and actually let Him take over. It was amazing, and I genuinely feel an inner peace about the situation.

Since I got back from Taize my personal faith has become a lot more important to me, and I've spent much more time than I used to reflecting on my faith, on God, and on God in life situations. However, recently, amongst the busyness of life, I seem to have lost this completley. I really need to spend more time with God, listening to Him, and just being.

Busy week

This week has been pretty manic really. College monday and tuesday, counselling, meetings and notice sheet writing yesterday and random meetings, funding plans amongst other things today. Am absolutley knackered.

Counselling was interesting to say the least yesterday. It was really intense, as was last weeks, and it took a lot of energy out of me. I walked back home, and can honestly say I felt like I'd been hit by a double decker bus. It was good though, and I think it's effective. So difficult to tell after two sessions, but I am glad I'm doing it. I guess that's all I can say about it at the moment.

Tomorrow I've got a fairly busy day with line management in the morning, and then admin stuff, so nothing too bad I dont think. Then I've got this weekend off, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to having nothing to do!

Evangalism...

A couple of months ago I was involved with the filming of the Leicester Young People for Life DVD that has just been launched in the diocese. I've just watched it for the first time, and although am pleased with the parts they have picked out and highlighted etc, I wonder if I sound a little "evangelical", and that makes me feel quite uncomfortable. As someone who is deeply passionate about my faith, I wonder if this is something I should raise questions about. However I am unsure I want to raise those questions...

I've been questioning what the word "evangilism" actually means and so looked in the dictionary:

'Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work'

Why is it that a lot of the Christians I know choose 'zelous preaching' and choose not to 'disseminate the gospel' in other ways? The thought of people preaching the gospel to me through words even as a Christian, fills me with immense fear. It probably shouldn't but it does. It makes me feel greatly uncomfortable, and is something I lack the ability to do completley. As someone involved in Youth Ministry I often question if I should be more effective at 'evangalising' and talking the talk. But actually I have no inclination or desire to. I love talking about my faith and thology, but I think that's entirely different than preaching about it to people that dont necessarily want to hear about it.

To me it is much more important to 'disseminate the gospel' through being Christ-like, through loving other people and being accountable. I like that, and that is where my passion lies. And yet I have to question the way I have done this recently. I have been in a process of loving life and learning to love myself, but in that process have forgotton the importance of the most important thing in my life... I'm struggling to work things through and am desperate to be accountable, and evangalise in the way I feel God is calling me, but at the moment I just feel as if I fail every time, and get knocked down at the first hurdle. Something I have done so freqently in life of late is forgetting God, and also forgetting to pray. I guess this is something I ought to focus on, and not beat myself up when I mess up.

God loves, God accepts, and God forgives. He's done this time and time again for me, and I hope that that is something I can do towards other people. I have a huge passion for my faith and it is something very deep and personal to me, yet I do so desperatly want other to see that passion within me. I just don't want to have to share it via words. I want to show Christ, by loving, accepting and forgiving. That's what's crucial to me...

recent lack of updates...

I've not really updated for a little while, as things have been fairly confusing and complicated, and the thought of writing about them, and playing them over my head more than necessary is draining in itself.


I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.

I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.

Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.

I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.

I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.

Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...

Gigs and Clubs

Well the last month or so I've not really updated, one because I've been procesing a hell of a lot of stuff, and not wanted to write anything about it, and two because I've had an insanely busy month and not really had time to even update.

Some of the higlights:

Claire's Weekend Visit - 19th - 20th October

Claire came down from Liverpool on 19th October to come and visit me. It was soooo much fun. We spent the night chatting away and stuff about life in general, and having our normal heart to heart. Claire is an old school friend. We don't really see each other or chat that regularly but whenever we do it's like we havent been apart at all. It's wonderful. We went to MOSH and had an absolutley ace night - we even got our photo on the MOSH website. I find that quite sad actually!!

Rufus Wainwright - 26th October

Charlotte and me went to see Rufus Wainwright last Friday at the Symphony Hall and he was totally amazing. Soooo good and talented. Scott Matthews supported who was very very good, and then Rufus came on for an hour and then had a break and then came on or another 90 minutes! So worth it! He was also very witty.

I absolutley LOVE him!

He got changed many times, and was very very entertaining.

First half he was weatring the following:




It's actually a lot more colourful than it looked on the photo!

After that he came out dressed in a Lederhosen which was very funny!



The second half was just amazing, and the final song before the encore was absolutley impeccable (Sadly I can't currently remember the name of the song, which is highly frustrating when trying to locate it to listen to!!)


I didnt think they were going to do an encore because of the way they left the stage, but the encore was most definitley the best bit!

Rufus came out in a dressing gown and played a few songs on the piano. I think most people at this point were wondering what he was hiding underneath! Well it was quite something! After the few songs on the piano he put some earings on, a ring, and some lipstick, and highheels.. He then did a cover of 'Get Happy' and it was marvellous!!





He did mime this, but I will clarify it was the only bit of the whole show he mimes. It was absolutley brilliant though! That performance isnt actually from Birmingham, in Brum for some reason they were all wearng builders hats! Was very funny!

Robots in Disguise - 29th October

Last night I went to go and see Robots in Disguise and they were absolutley stunning! There was three support acts which was a bit crap because it meant that RID didn't come on till about 11pm and then they didn't play for as long as I'd hoped, but they were amazing. So much fun! I had a feeling they'd be completley pretentious, and not really that nice, but they weren't at all.

They were a lot better than I expected them to be!

Although there were three support acts time didnt drag at all. We made a pretty good night out of it. A couple of cheeky drinks in before we went to the gig and then a few while we were there.

I went with Bob, Harvey and Matt. Matt and Harvey are a
couple of lads Alex and me met in Mosh a few weeks ago. I've not seen them since we went to mosh so gotta admit was hoping it wasn't going to be too weird, but it wasnt at all




















Faaaaaaab night!!!!

Well I am going to try and update and reflect a little on life tomorrow... I now have the day off work as I have I landed myself in A&E today after I discovered I couldnt breathe and was having severe chest pains. Apparantly I've popped a muscle out in my chest or something (?!)... I didn't know something as simple could be so damned painful. It's quite horrible!

Not updated in a couple of days as have been away at college and other various things...

Sunday: Bob came over and we had a very lovely roast dinner. We had lamb, and roast potatoes, and loads of other delights! It was lovely.

Monday and Tuesday: I was at college which was actually really good. I must admit I was really dreading going back and getting back into it, but it was so fab, and enjoyable. Had some good chats with people and also had a very nice Chinese Take-away with Kelly and Katy which was delightful and yummy.


Today has been really good so far. Met up with Anna this morning for coffee which was nice. We also went to the Christian bookshop and brought some Bible notes. We've decided while she is still in England we're going to try and meet up on a weekly basis and reflect on the notes, and talk about what God's been saying to us that week etc about those weeks notes. Am very excited by this as feel like it will actually be a real motivation for me to actually get down to it and read my bible. It was lovely to meet up with her again after greenbelt. Didn't really get to chat with her then, so was cool :)

Also gone into work and Sarah has designed a fab leaflet with all the youth work activities and stuff the Cathedral do etc. So very pleased with that. We now have a logo for Youth at Leicester Cathedral which is most exciting!! :) This evening I have been doing a design group with some young people about a basement we've got and are wanting to turn into a youth facility. It was ace :)

Life is really good at the moment. I'm excited about work, and just where God may or may not be taking me. Whilst at college I chatted to a couple of people about callings etc, and have decided that actually I need to stop dwelling on what may happen in the future. I need to be open to embracing it, but I also need to live my life for the now at the moment. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!

Well, this morning I was awoken by the postman dropping a rather large parcel through my door. I hadn't got a clue what it was, as very few people know my address, and I just didn't recognise the writing at all! I looooove getting parcels through the post when I don't know what they are! It's a complete surprise and it's all very exciting! Anyway, I opened it and recognised a couple of the leaflets that dropped out, and realised the person who was sending me this package was Steve - the guy we met in a church in Oxford last week! How amazing! I'd sent him an email last week and he must have picked my address off the bottom of it and decided to send me a parcel. There was two CD's, a book, and lots of leaflets etc, with a little card. I was so touched.



I've been listening to the CD this morning and generally it wouldn't be my kind of thing, but I do really like it. This one verse of a song goes:

'I tried to walk on the water and found myself under the sea

So with water up my nose I felt your hand come close to save me

I’ve tried to cast out the demons I’ve gone to the darkest of regions

When fear has me shaking you suddenly break in to save me '

I like these words a lot, and they really relate to a lot of the things I've been thinking and feeling lately. I guess I want to work things through on my own a lot, and don't really want God's help, but actually without it, I'm just never going to get through, so it's about remembering that, and also where I am without God...

Things I want to do with my life...

So... I was on facebook this morning and added the 'Interests +' application to my profile. There is a section on there called 'Things I want to do with my life'... I added the following things (in no particular order):

Enjoy life
Get Married
Write a book
Make other people happy
Help others
Be happy and laugh a lot
Have children
Serve God
Adopt a child
Learn new things

I am currently wondering how many of these things I will actually do, and how many of these things are actually in my control. I am also wondering if I worry too much about how many of these things I'll get to do...

The important ones to me are: Enjoy life, Make other people happy, help others, be happy and laugh a lot, serve God, and Learn new things.

The things I really want, but know I could do without are: get married, have children, and adopt a child...

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to get married. I guess it's the ideal isn't it? You find someone, you get married, you have a few kids, and live happily ever after. I want these more than anything, but wonder if it will ever happen. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and have a long time before I have to make these desicions, but it is something I wonder about. I guess part of me also wonders if anyone will ever find me good enough to spend their life with? I like myself a lot lot more since I got back from Taize, and I am trying so hard... but I do honestly have to question if I am good enough to have a family... if someone would ever like me enough to spend their whole life with me... I wonder if I am capable of bringing up children, and if anyone would ever actually let me adopt anyway...

Then I'm brought back to God... actually yes, He thinks I'm good enough, and if it's in His plans (whatever they may be...) then someone else will think I'm good enough... and I'll either have children of my own or adopt... I dont even mind which... I just want children so much...

Does everyone think they aren't good enough...? I worry sometimes it's just me. That's not meant in a self-obsessive way, but I do... even though I know it's not the case...

The more important things:

Serve God...

Ultimatley I guess this is the one thing I want to do with my life, and I guess that with this a lot of the other things in my 'important list' would get covered too... I still don't know if God calls people, or if he just puts strong desires on people's hearts, or in fact if they are the same thing... what I do know, is that I want to learn to know God better, and that I do need to trust him more. If I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll find it a little easier to serve the big guy...

Enjoy life...

Sometimes I regret being such a dull teenager and never going out and getting drunk blah blah blah... and then I think hang on a minute, on a life scale, those things are boring, and mundane, and actually although I like doing those things they DON'T actually help me to enjoy life in the big scale of things... I guess I need to embrace things a little more...

Make other people happy...

I often need to be needed... it's not always the case, but I so desperatly want to make others happy and help them out where I can... I guess if I can't make someone happy I feel like I've failed in some way... yet it's not actually in my power to make others happy is it? Sure, I can help, I can be selfless, and do stuff to contribute to making others happy, but ultimatley it's not just upto me... And I guess sometimes, I need to realise this, so that I don't feel a huge sense of failure if I can't make someone happy or help them in the way I want to

Learn new things

My fieldwork tutor is amazing! He must be in his 70's and is still so hungry to learn... Since starting this degree he has been a massive inspiration to me... he's humble, and has an amazing inner peace/strength about him, which I can only put down to his passion for God, and helping others. He is open to learning about whatever he can, and I find that so inspiring... If I could be half of what Terry is at his age, I think I'd be happy

I guess the point of this post is to question how important some of those things are on that list... How much do I actually need to worry about them, and how much do I need to hand them over to God...? It's not easy to do that though is it?

Feeling lots better today. Spent a lot of time chatting ro Richard last night on messenger. Was just chatting about life and stuff, and the future, and told him lots of stuff that I've needed to talk through with someone for a good while. It's not really made any of it any clearer, but was just good to chat things through with someone, as I just don't do that normally. Find it so hard to talk to people about emotions, plans, feelings etc...

Today I have got up, and literally done nothing since then. I got up at about 9am, and have been watching day time TV ever since.

Sounds like Bob is planning to come back to Leicester tonight with Seb and Dave. Apparantly Dave has got conjunctivitus and is not wanting to drive back to Sheffield, so Bob has said they can stop at his. Therefore, I think we're going out for a drink which will be quite nice. Could do with a good night.

Not really feeling so great again today. Feeling a little miserable and bit lonely. Not really done a lot. Just been at work this morning for a couple of hours, and then I went and had lunch with Robin and chatted about random youth work stuff.

This afternoon I have slept again, which has been good, but will probably mean I won't sleep tonight now...

I just dunno how I'm feeling at the moment, and it's kinda horrible. Not felt like this since way before Taize, and it kinda sucks :(

I have been so efficient today. This morning I went to Eucharist and Staff Breakfast, and then I did loads of work including the youth notice sheet for this Sunday, contact lots of people, arrange dates for the october half trips I'm doing, do a Taize poster, and attend a meeting. All in two hours.

After that I met up th Shell, as she was in Leicester for an interview. She's moving to Leicester on Friday which is very cool. I reckon she will mostly have her own set of friends as time moves on, and we've not really been in contact for a couple of years, and we're both doing entirely different things, but it'll be cool to see her on occasions etc :) Was lovely to see her today.

Then I did some food shopping, came home and had a snooze as for some reason was totally exhausted, and then I cooked as Peter was coming round for dinner tonight. Was nice to see Peter actually. Not really seen him properly in a little while, so it was cool.

Now I have to go and make an effort to wash up, or at least leave things to soak, so they aren't caked in food tomorrow and impossible to clean!

I a so tired... even though I did sleep for two hours this afternoon.

Feeling kind of miserable actually, and I don't even know why, had a lovely day :(

Today hasn't been too bad. I was at church this morning, and the service was lovely, and then I dashed into Leicester to get some lunch, and then came back to the Cathedral Centre for the Taize - Prayers with Songs service. It was great, as always. I so wish I could get involved more with Taize, or go over there for much much longer, but I know if I did it would be entirely for the wrong reasons. If I was to get involved with more Taize services, it would be because I don't really enjoy worshipping God in other ways, therefore possibly a bit of escapism from reality... if I went to Taize for longer each year, it would be because I don't really enjoy getting on with the real world of life! Therefore, escapism! Escpaism is good... but I don't think you can really escape forever, not even in the form of Taize, no matter how much I would like to, or pretend to myself I could.

The rest of this afternoon I have spent at the Cathedral Centre preparing for this session I have got with the choir after evensong. I am feeling a little stressed about it actually. This is my first proper session as a youth leader in soooo long, and with young people I don't really know, so I have to admit I'm kinda worried. I'm also a little worried that none of the young people will stick around for it, as they aren't used to stopping after evensong for something else... so it could be interesting!

Tonight I am stopping in, and avoiding alcohol again which is good. When I came back from residential, I realised there was only about three days between coming back from greenbelt and the thursday we came back from residential that I hadn't actually had some kind of alcoholic drink, and I have to say it got me a little worried about how much I was drinking! Needless to say, Friday, yesterday, and today I have tried not to drink anything!! Instead I think I shall watch TV, and possibly a film, and then have an early night again. I went to bed at 9.15 last night. How sad is that eh? I was so tired. Feeling very refreshed today though, which is nice :)