Things have been really busy lately. I ended up getting dragged into loads of things at the weekend, and can honestly say I can't remember the last full day I had off. I am feeling exhausted and so ready for a break.
Amidst the exhaustion, I have forgotton the things that are genuinely important to me, including spending time with friends, chatting to family, and a variety of other things, but probably the most important thing is spending time with God. Having a job in ministry is fantastic, and ultimately where I feel called to be, however so often it becomes a job, not a vocation. I forget the reasons behind doing it, and forget that I should talk to God about stuff, but more importantly completley forget to listen to God.
Things have been really complicated just lately for one reason or another, and I've got to say things have really got on top of me. I had coffee with a friend today, and it was immensly powerful. We spent time talking about important stuff, and in all honesty it drained me, as life seems to have been doing a lot lately. After that we prayed together. If I'm honest I've not actually sat down and prayed for a long time, and certainly not reflected or listened to Gods word. The feeling of peace was over-whelming, it really was. There's been a couple of situations I've felt genuinely uneasy about lately, and yet praying to God about them today meant I was able to hand them over to God, and actually let Him take over. It was amazing, and I genuinely feel an inner peace about the situation.
Since I got back from Taize my personal faith has become a lot more important to me, and I've spent much more time than I used to reflecting on my faith, on God, and on God in life situations. However, recently, amongst the busyness of life, I seem to have lost this completley. I really need to spend more time with God, listening to Him, and just being.
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Busy week
This week has been pretty manic really. College monday and tuesday, counselling, meetings and notice sheet writing yesterday and random meetings, funding plans amongst other things today. Am absolutley knackered.
Counselling was interesting to say the least yesterday. It was really intense, as was last weeks, and it took a lot of energy out of me. I walked back home, and can honestly say I felt like I'd been hit by a double decker bus. It was good though, and I think it's effective. So difficult to tell after two sessions, but I am glad I'm doing it. I guess that's all I can say about it at the moment.
Tomorrow I've got a fairly busy day with line management in the morning, and then admin stuff, so nothing too bad I dont think. Then I've got this weekend off, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to having nothing to do!
Counselling was interesting to say the least yesterday. It was really intense, as was last weeks, and it took a lot of energy out of me. I walked back home, and can honestly say I felt like I'd been hit by a double decker bus. It was good though, and I think it's effective. So difficult to tell after two sessions, but I am glad I'm doing it. I guess that's all I can say about it at the moment.
Tomorrow I've got a fairly busy day with line management in the morning, and then admin stuff, so nothing too bad I dont think. Then I've got this weekend off, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to having nothing to do!
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Evangalism...
A couple of months ago I was involved with the filming of the Leicester Young People for Life DVD that has just been launched in the diocese. I've just watched it for the first time, and although am pleased with the parts they have picked out and highlighted etc, I wonder if I sound a little "evangelical", and that makes me feel quite uncomfortable. As someone who is deeply passionate about my faith, I wonder if this is something I should raise questions about. However I am unsure I want to raise those questions...
I've been questioning what the word "evangilism" actually means and so looked in the dictionary:
'Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work'
Why is it that a lot of the Christians I know choose 'zelous preaching' and choose not to 'disseminate the gospel' in other ways? The thought of people preaching the gospel to me through words even as a Christian, fills me with immense fear. It probably shouldn't but it does. It makes me feel greatly uncomfortable, and is something I lack the ability to do completley. As someone involved in Youth Ministry I often question if I should be more effective at 'evangalising' and talking the talk. But actually I have no inclination or desire to. I love talking about my faith and thology, but I think that's entirely different than preaching about it to people that dont necessarily want to hear about it.
To me it is much more important to 'disseminate the gospel' through being Christ-like, through loving other people and being accountable. I like that, and that is where my passion lies. And yet I have to question the way I have done this recently. I have been in a process of loving life and learning to love myself, but in that process have forgotton the importance of the most important thing in my life... I'm struggling to work things through and am desperate to be accountable, and evangalise in the way I feel God is calling me, but at the moment I just feel as if I fail every time, and get knocked down at the first hurdle. Something I have done so freqently in life of late is forgetting God, and also forgetting to pray. I guess this is something I ought to focus on, and not beat myself up when I mess up.
God loves, God accepts, and God forgives. He's done this time and time again for me, and I hope that that is something I can do towards other people. I have a huge passion for my faith and it is something very deep and personal to me, yet I do so desperatly want other to see that passion within me. I just don't want to have to share it via words. I want to show Christ, by loving, accepting and forgiving. That's what's crucial to me...
I've been questioning what the word "evangilism" actually means and so looked in the dictionary:
'Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work'
Why is it that a lot of the Christians I know choose 'zelous preaching' and choose not to 'disseminate the gospel' in other ways? The thought of people preaching the gospel to me through words even as a Christian, fills me with immense fear. It probably shouldn't but it does. It makes me feel greatly uncomfortable, and is something I lack the ability to do completley. As someone involved in Youth Ministry I often question if I should be more effective at 'evangalising' and talking the talk. But actually I have no inclination or desire to. I love talking about my faith and thology, but I think that's entirely different than preaching about it to people that dont necessarily want to hear about it.
To me it is much more important to 'disseminate the gospel' through being Christ-like, through loving other people and being accountable. I like that, and that is where my passion lies. And yet I have to question the way I have done this recently. I have been in a process of loving life and learning to love myself, but in that process have forgotton the importance of the most important thing in my life... I'm struggling to work things through and am desperate to be accountable, and evangalise in the way I feel God is calling me, but at the moment I just feel as if I fail every time, and get knocked down at the first hurdle. Something I have done so freqently in life of late is forgetting God, and also forgetting to pray. I guess this is something I ought to focus on, and not beat myself up when I mess up.
God loves, God accepts, and God forgives. He's done this time and time again for me, and I hope that that is something I can do towards other people. I have a huge passion for my faith and it is something very deep and personal to me, yet I do so desperatly want other to see that passion within me. I just don't want to have to share it via words. I want to show Christ, by loving, accepting and forgiving. That's what's crucial to me...
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
recent lack of updates...
I've not really updated for a little while, as things have been fairly confusing and complicated, and the thought of writing about them, and playing them over my head more than necessary is draining in itself.
I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.
I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.
Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.
I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.
I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.
Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...
I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.
I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.
Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.
I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.
I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.
Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Gigs and Clubs
Well the last month or so I've not really updated, one because I've been procesing a hell of a lot of stuff, and not wanted to write anything about it, and two because I've had an insanely busy month and not really had time to even update.
Some of the higlights:
Claire's Weekend Visit - 19th - 20th October
Claire came down from Liverpool on 19th October to come and visit me. It was soooo much fun. We spent the night chatting away and stuff about life in general, and having our normal heart to heart. Claire is an old school friend. We don't really see each other or chat that regularly but whenever we do it's like we havent been apart at all. It's wonderful. We went to MOSH and had an absolutley ace night - we even got our photo on the MOSH website. I find that quite sad actually!!
I went with Bob, Harvey and Matt. Matt and Harvey are a
couple of lads Alex and me met in Mosh a few weeks ago. I've not seen them since we went to mosh so gotta admit was hoping it wasn't going to be too weird, but it wasnt at all
Faaaaaaab night!!!!
Well I am going to try and update and reflect a little on life tomorrow... I now have the day off work as I have I landed myself in A&E today after I discovered I couldnt breathe and was having severe chest pains. Apparantly I've popped a muscle out in my chest or something (?!)... I didn't know something as simple could be so damned painful. It's quite horrible!
Some of the higlights:
Claire's Weekend Visit - 19th - 20th October
Claire came down from Liverpool on 19th October to come and visit me. It was soooo much fun. We spent the night chatting away and stuff about life in general, and having our normal heart to heart. Claire is an old school friend. We don't really see each other or chat that regularly but whenever we do it's like we havent been apart at all. It's wonderful. We went to MOSH and had an absolutley ace night - we even got our photo on the MOSH website. I find that quite sad actually!!
Rufus Wainwright - 26th October
Charlotte and me went to see Rufus Wainwright last Friday at the Symphony Hall and he was totally amazing. Soooo good and talented. Scott Matthews supported who was very very good, and then Rufus came on for an hour and then had a break and then came on or another 90 minutes! So worth it! He was also very witty.
I absolutley LOVE him!
He got changed many times, and was very very entertaining.
First half he was weatring the following:
It's actually a lot more colourful than it looked on the photo!
After that he came out dressed in a Lederhosen which was very funny!
The second half was just amazing, and the final song before the encore was absolutley impeccable (Sadly I can't currently remember the name of the song, which is highly frustrating when trying to locate it to listen to!!)
I didnt think they were going to do an encore because of the way they left the stage, but the encore was most definitley the best bit!
Rufus came out in a dressing gown and played a few songs on the piano. I think most people at this point were wondering what he was hiding underneath! Well it was quite something! After the few songs on the piano he put some earings on, a ring, and some lipstick, and highheels.. He then did a cover of 'Get Happy' and it was marvellous!!
He did mime this, but I will clarify it was the only bit of the whole show he mimes. It was absolutley brilliant though! That performance isnt actually from Birmingham, in Brum for some reason they were all wearng builders hats! Was very funny!
Robots in Disguise - 29th October
Last night I went to go and see Robots in Disguise and they were absolutley stunning! There was three support acts which was a bit crap because it meant that RID didn't come on till about 11pm and then they didn't play for as long as I'd hoped, but they were amazing. So much fun! I had a feeling they'd be completley pretentious, and not really that nice, but they weren't at all.
They were a lot better than I expected them to be!
Although there were three support acts time didnt drag at all. We made a pretty good night out of it. A couple of cheeky drinks in before we went to the gig and then a few while we were there.
I went with Bob, Harvey and Matt. Matt and Harvey are a
couple of lads Alex and me met in Mosh a few weeks ago. I've not seen them since we went to mosh so gotta admit was hoping it wasn't going to be too weird, but it wasnt at all
Faaaaaaab night!!!!
Well I am going to try and update and reflect a little on life tomorrow... I now have the day off work as I have I landed myself in A&E today after I discovered I couldnt breathe and was having severe chest pains. Apparantly I've popped a muscle out in my chest or something (?!)... I didn't know something as simple could be so damned painful. It's quite horrible!
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Not updated in a couple of days as have been away at college and other various things...
Sunday: Bob came over and we had a very lovely roast dinner. We had lamb, and roast potatoes, and loads of other delights! It was lovely.
Monday and Tuesday: I was at college which was actually really good. I must admit I was really dreading going back and getting back into it, but it was so fab, and enjoyable. Had some good chats with people and also had a very nice Chinese Take-away with Kelly and Katy which was delightful and yummy.
Today has been really good so far. Met up with Anna this morning for coffee which was nice. We also went to the Christian bookshop and brought some Bible notes. We've decided while she is still in England we're going to try and meet up on a weekly basis and reflect on the notes, and talk about what God's been saying to us that week etc about those weeks notes. Am very excited by this as feel like it will actually be a real motivation for me to actually get down to it and read my bible. It was lovely to meet up with her again after greenbelt. Didn't really get to chat with her then, so was cool :)
Also gone into work and Sarah has designed a fab leaflet with all the youth work activities and stuff the Cathedral do etc. So very pleased with that. We now have a logo for Youth at Leicester Cathedral which is most exciting!! :) This evening I have been doing a design group with some young people about a basement we've got and are wanting to turn into a youth facility. It was ace :)
Life is really good at the moment. I'm excited about work, and just where God may or may not be taking me. Whilst at college I chatted to a couple of people about callings etc, and have decided that actually I need to stop dwelling on what may happen in the future. I need to be open to embracing it, but I also need to live my life for the now at the moment. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!
Sunday: Bob came over and we had a very lovely roast dinner. We had lamb, and roast potatoes, and loads of other delights! It was lovely.
Monday and Tuesday: I was at college which was actually really good. I must admit I was really dreading going back and getting back into it, but it was so fab, and enjoyable. Had some good chats with people and also had a very nice Chinese Take-away with Kelly and Katy which was delightful and yummy.
Today has been really good so far. Met up with Anna this morning for coffee which was nice. We also went to the Christian bookshop and brought some Bible notes. We've decided while she is still in England we're going to try and meet up on a weekly basis and reflect on the notes, and talk about what God's been saying to us that week etc about those weeks notes. Am very excited by this as feel like it will actually be a real motivation for me to actually get down to it and read my bible. It was lovely to meet up with her again after greenbelt. Didn't really get to chat with her then, so was cool :)
Also gone into work and Sarah has designed a fab leaflet with all the youth work activities and stuff the Cathedral do etc. So very pleased with that. We now have a logo for Youth at Leicester Cathedral which is most exciting!! :) This evening I have been doing a design group with some young people about a basement we've got and are wanting to turn into a youth facility. It was ace :)
Life is really good at the moment. I'm excited about work, and just where God may or may not be taking me. Whilst at college I chatted to a couple of people about callings etc, and have decided that actually I need to stop dwelling on what may happen in the future. I need to be open to embracing it, but I also need to live my life for the now at the moment. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Well, this morning I was awoken by the postman dropping a rather large parcel through my door. I hadn't got a clue what it was, as very few people know my address, and I just didn't recognise the writing at all! I looooove getting parcels through the post when I don't know what they are! It's a complete surprise and it's all very exciting! Anyway, I opened it and recognised a couple of the leaflets that dropped out, and realised the person who was sending me this package was Steve - the guy we met in a church in Oxford last week! How amazing! I'd sent him an email last week and he must have picked my address off the bottom of it and decided to send me a parcel. There was two CD's, a book, and lots of leaflets etc, with a little card. I was so touched.
I've been listening to the CD this morning and generally it wouldn't be my kind of thing, but I do really like it. This one verse of a song goes:
I've been listening to the CD this morning and generally it wouldn't be my kind of thing, but I do really like it. This one verse of a song goes:
'I tried to walk on the water and found myself under the sea
So with water up my nose I felt your hand come close to save me
I’ve tried to cast out the demons I’ve gone to the darkest of regions
When fear has me shaking you suddenly break in to save me '
I like these words a lot, and they really relate to a lot of the things I've been thinking and feeling lately. I guess I want to work things through on my own a lot, and don't really want God's help, but actually without it, I'm just never going to get through, so it's about remembering that, and also where I am without God...
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Things I want to do with my life...
So... I was on facebook this morning and added the 'Interests +' application to my profile. There is a section on there called 'Things I want to do with my life'... I added the following things (in no particular order):
Enjoy life
Get Married
Write a book
Make other people happy
Help others
Be happy and laugh a lot
Have children
Serve God
Adopt a child
Learn new things
I am currently wondering how many of these things I will actually do, and how many of these things are actually in my control. I am also wondering if I worry too much about how many of these things I'll get to do...
The important ones to me are: Enjoy life, Make other people happy, help others, be happy and laugh a lot, serve God, and Learn new things.
The things I really want, but know I could do without are: get married, have children, and adopt a child...
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to get married. I guess it's the ideal isn't it? You find someone, you get married, you have a few kids, and live happily ever after. I want these more than anything, but wonder if it will ever happen. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and have a long time before I have to make these desicions, but it is something I wonder about. I guess part of me also wonders if anyone will ever find me good enough to spend their life with? I like myself a lot lot more since I got back from Taize, and I am trying so hard... but I do honestly have to question if I am good enough to have a family... if someone would ever like me enough to spend their whole life with me... I wonder if I am capable of bringing up children, and if anyone would ever actually let me adopt anyway...
Then I'm brought back to God... actually yes, He thinks I'm good enough, and if it's in His plans (whatever they may be...) then someone else will think I'm good enough... and I'll either have children of my own or adopt... I dont even mind which... I just want children so much...
Does everyone think they aren't good enough...? I worry sometimes it's just me. That's not meant in a self-obsessive way, but I do... even though I know it's not the case...
The more important things:
Serve God...
Ultimatley I guess this is the one thing I want to do with my life, and I guess that with this a lot of the other things in my 'important list' would get covered too... I still don't know if God calls people, or if he just puts strong desires on people's hearts, or in fact if they are the same thing... what I do know, is that I want to learn to know God better, and that I do need to trust him more. If I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll find it a little easier to serve the big guy...
Enjoy life...
Sometimes I regret being such a dull teenager and never going out and getting drunk blah blah blah... and then I think hang on a minute, on a life scale, those things are boring, and mundane, and actually although I like doing those things they DON'T actually help me to enjoy life in the big scale of things... I guess I need to embrace things a little more...
Make other people happy...
I often need to be needed... it's not always the case, but I so desperatly want to make others happy and help them out where I can... I guess if I can't make someone happy I feel like I've failed in some way... yet it's not actually in my power to make others happy is it? Sure, I can help, I can be selfless, and do stuff to contribute to making others happy, but ultimatley it's not just upto me... And I guess sometimes, I need to realise this, so that I don't feel a huge sense of failure if I can't make someone happy or help them in the way I want to
Learn new things
My fieldwork tutor is amazing! He must be in his 70's and is still so hungry to learn... Since starting this degree he has been a massive inspiration to me... he's humble, and has an amazing inner peace/strength about him, which I can only put down to his passion for God, and helping others. He is open to learning about whatever he can, and I find that so inspiring... If I could be half of what Terry is at his age, I think I'd be happy
I guess the point of this post is to question how important some of those things are on that list... How much do I actually need to worry about them, and how much do I need to hand them over to God...? It's not easy to do that though is it?
Enjoy life
Get Married
Write a book
Make other people happy
Help others
Be happy and laugh a lot
Have children
Serve God
Adopt a child
Learn new things
I am currently wondering how many of these things I will actually do, and how many of these things are actually in my control. I am also wondering if I worry too much about how many of these things I'll get to do...
The important ones to me are: Enjoy life, Make other people happy, help others, be happy and laugh a lot, serve God, and Learn new things.
The things I really want, but know I could do without are: get married, have children, and adopt a child...
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to get married. I guess it's the ideal isn't it? You find someone, you get married, you have a few kids, and live happily ever after. I want these more than anything, but wonder if it will ever happen. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and have a long time before I have to make these desicions, but it is something I wonder about. I guess part of me also wonders if anyone will ever find me good enough to spend their life with? I like myself a lot lot more since I got back from Taize, and I am trying so hard... but I do honestly have to question if I am good enough to have a family... if someone would ever like me enough to spend their whole life with me... I wonder if I am capable of bringing up children, and if anyone would ever actually let me adopt anyway...
Then I'm brought back to God... actually yes, He thinks I'm good enough, and if it's in His plans (whatever they may be...) then someone else will think I'm good enough... and I'll either have children of my own or adopt... I dont even mind which... I just want children so much...
Does everyone think they aren't good enough...? I worry sometimes it's just me. That's not meant in a self-obsessive way, but I do... even though I know it's not the case...
The more important things:
Serve God...
Ultimatley I guess this is the one thing I want to do with my life, and I guess that with this a lot of the other things in my 'important list' would get covered too... I still don't know if God calls people, or if he just puts strong desires on people's hearts, or in fact if they are the same thing... what I do know, is that I want to learn to know God better, and that I do need to trust him more. If I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll find it a little easier to serve the big guy...
Enjoy life...
Sometimes I regret being such a dull teenager and never going out and getting drunk blah blah blah... and then I think hang on a minute, on a life scale, those things are boring, and mundane, and actually although I like doing those things they DON'T actually help me to enjoy life in the big scale of things... I guess I need to embrace things a little more...
Make other people happy...
I often need to be needed... it's not always the case, but I so desperatly want to make others happy and help them out where I can... I guess if I can't make someone happy I feel like I've failed in some way... yet it's not actually in my power to make others happy is it? Sure, I can help, I can be selfless, and do stuff to contribute to making others happy, but ultimatley it's not just upto me... And I guess sometimes, I need to realise this, so that I don't feel a huge sense of failure if I can't make someone happy or help them in the way I want to
Learn new things
My fieldwork tutor is amazing! He must be in his 70's and is still so hungry to learn... Since starting this degree he has been a massive inspiration to me... he's humble, and has an amazing inner peace/strength about him, which I can only put down to his passion for God, and helping others. He is open to learning about whatever he can, and I find that so inspiring... If I could be half of what Terry is at his age, I think I'd be happy
I guess the point of this post is to question how important some of those things are on that list... How much do I actually need to worry about them, and how much do I need to hand them over to God...? It's not easy to do that though is it?
Feeling lots better today. Spent a lot of time chatting ro Richard last night on messenger. Was just chatting about life and stuff, and the future, and told him lots of stuff that I've needed to talk through with someone for a good while. It's not really made any of it any clearer, but was just good to chat things through with someone, as I just don't do that normally. Find it so hard to talk to people about emotions, plans, feelings etc...
Today I have got up, and literally done nothing since then. I got up at about 9am, and have been watching day time TV ever since.
Sounds like Bob is planning to come back to Leicester tonight with Seb and Dave. Apparantly Dave has got conjunctivitus and is not wanting to drive back to Sheffield, so Bob has said they can stop at his. Therefore, I think we're going out for a drink which will be quite nice. Could do with a good night.
Today I have got up, and literally done nothing since then. I got up at about 9am, and have been watching day time TV ever since.
Sounds like Bob is planning to come back to Leicester tonight with Seb and Dave. Apparantly Dave has got conjunctivitus and is not wanting to drive back to Sheffield, so Bob has said they can stop at his. Therefore, I think we're going out for a drink which will be quite nice. Could do with a good night.
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Not really feeling so great again today. Feeling a little miserable and bit lonely. Not really done a lot. Just been at work this morning for a couple of hours, and then I went and had lunch with Robin and chatted about random youth work stuff.
This afternoon I have slept again, which has been good, but will probably mean I won't sleep tonight now...
I just dunno how I'm feeling at the moment, and it's kinda horrible. Not felt like this since way before Taize, and it kinda sucks :(
This afternoon I have slept again, which has been good, but will probably mean I won't sleep tonight now...
I just dunno how I'm feeling at the moment, and it's kinda horrible. Not felt like this since way before Taize, and it kinda sucks :(
Monday, 17 September 2007
I have been so efficient today. This morning I went to Eucharist and Staff Breakfast, and then I did loads of work including the youth notice sheet for this Sunday, contact lots of people, arrange dates for the october half trips I'm doing, do a Taize poster, and attend a meeting. All in two hours.
After that I met up th Shell, as she was in Leicester for an interview. She's moving to Leicester on Friday which is very cool. I reckon she will mostly have her own set of friends as time moves on, and we've not really been in contact for a couple of years, and we're both doing entirely different things, but it'll be cool to see her on occasions etc :) Was lovely to see her today.
Then I did some food shopping, came home and had a snooze as for some reason was totally exhausted, and then I cooked as Peter was coming round for dinner tonight. Was nice to see Peter actually. Not really seen him properly in a little while, so it was cool.
Now I have to go and make an effort to wash up, or at least leave things to soak, so they aren't caked in food tomorrow and impossible to clean!
I a so tired... even though I did sleep for two hours this afternoon.
Feeling kind of miserable actually, and I don't even know why, had a lovely day :(
After that I met up th Shell, as she was in Leicester for an interview. She's moving to Leicester on Friday which is very cool. I reckon she will mostly have her own set of friends as time moves on, and we've not really been in contact for a couple of years, and we're both doing entirely different things, but it'll be cool to see her on occasions etc :) Was lovely to see her today.
Then I did some food shopping, came home and had a snooze as for some reason was totally exhausted, and then I cooked as Peter was coming round for dinner tonight. Was nice to see Peter actually. Not really seen him properly in a little while, so it was cool.
Now I have to go and make an effort to wash up, or at least leave things to soak, so they aren't caked in food tomorrow and impossible to clean!
I a so tired... even though I did sleep for two hours this afternoon.
Feeling kind of miserable actually, and I don't even know why, had a lovely day :(
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Today hasn't been too bad. I was at church this morning, and the service was lovely, and then I dashed into Leicester to get some lunch, and then came back to the Cathedral Centre for the Taize - Prayers with Songs service. It was great, as always. I so wish I could get involved more with Taize, or go over there for much much longer, but I know if I did it would be entirely for the wrong reasons. If I was to get involved with more Taize services, it would be because I don't really enjoy worshipping God in other ways, therefore possibly a bit of escapism from reality... if I went to Taize for longer each year, it would be because I don't really enjoy getting on with the real world of life! Therefore, escapism! Escpaism is good... but I don't think you can really escape forever, not even in the form of Taize, no matter how much I would like to, or pretend to myself I could.
The rest of this afternoon I have spent at the Cathedral Centre preparing for this session I have got with the choir after evensong. I am feeling a little stressed about it actually. This is my first proper session as a youth leader in soooo long, and with young people I don't really know, so I have to admit I'm kinda worried. I'm also a little worried that none of the young people will stick around for it, as they aren't used to stopping after evensong for something else... so it could be interesting!
Tonight I am stopping in, and avoiding alcohol again which is good. When I came back from residential, I realised there was only about three days between coming back from greenbelt and the thursday we came back from residential that I hadn't actually had some kind of alcoholic drink, and I have to say it got me a little worried about how much I was drinking! Needless to say, Friday, yesterday, and today I have tried not to drink anything!! Instead I think I shall watch TV, and possibly a film, and then have an early night again. I went to bed at 9.15 last night. How sad is that eh? I was so tired. Feeling very refreshed today though, which is nice :)
The rest of this afternoon I have spent at the Cathedral Centre preparing for this session I have got with the choir after evensong. I am feeling a little stressed about it actually. This is my first proper session as a youth leader in soooo long, and with young people I don't really know, so I have to admit I'm kinda worried. I'm also a little worried that none of the young people will stick around for it, as they aren't used to stopping after evensong for something else... so it could be interesting!
Tonight I am stopping in, and avoiding alcohol again which is good. When I came back from residential, I realised there was only about three days between coming back from greenbelt and the thursday we came back from residential that I hadn't actually had some kind of alcoholic drink, and I have to say it got me a little worried about how much I was drinking! Needless to say, Friday, yesterday, and today I have tried not to drink anything!! Instead I think I shall watch TV, and possibly a film, and then have an early night again. I went to bed at 9.15 last night. How sad is that eh? I was so tired. Feeling very refreshed today though, which is nice :)
Trust...
I've woken up today in a really contemplative mood. The more I think about life, friends, family, and ultimatley God, I just don't know where I'm meant to be. How are you meant to know the difference between God's calling, and your desires? Does God just have one calling for you, or does he have numerous? Does God actually have a calling at all?
Just over a year ago, I was going through possibly one of the worst times in my life, and was with people who made me feel genuinely crap about myself. I hated myself, and thought I was utterly worthless. I also realised through numerous things at that current point in time, that I was an absolutley dreadful Christian, obviously, this made me feel even worse about myself. I kept screwing up, and hurting God, and I didn't really feel like there was a lot I could do about it. The one day I totally broke down in tears, while talking to Dave, I told him how I felt and how much of a crap Christian I was. He was brilliant about it all, and basically said, that yes, I probably was, but that was ok, because actually we all are. We all sin, and that it's ok because God forgives us. That one moment helped me so much, and made me realise so much about my own faith, and life.
Since then though I've really struggled with letting God in, and letting Him take over. A huge part of me wonders whether he really does have a plan for us or not, and as a Christian I do wonder if I should be having these thoughts? But I just don't know. Sometimes, things feel so right in life, and you think that it MUST be God, because why would it feel THIS right if it wasn't?
The phrase 'you have to do what's right' really winds me up... and yet I know I am totally guilty of using it myself, so much! But it does. How do you know what's right, and again, how do you know if it's God's right, and not just what we think is right?
I'm confused about life at the moment. Not just one thing, a whole load of things. I don't know where I'm meant to be anymore, what God wants me to do, if in fact he does actually want me to anything, and it's a painful process.
I titled this post 'Trust', and as of yet have written nothing about trust, but I guess that's just it. I am letting all of these emotions take over, and confuse me, when ultimatley I know I have to have hope, and trust in God. I just don't know how I'm meant to do that whilst feeling all of the above...
Just over a year ago, I was going through possibly one of the worst times in my life, and was with people who made me feel genuinely crap about myself. I hated myself, and thought I was utterly worthless. I also realised through numerous things at that current point in time, that I was an absolutley dreadful Christian, obviously, this made me feel even worse about myself. I kept screwing up, and hurting God, and I didn't really feel like there was a lot I could do about it. The one day I totally broke down in tears, while talking to Dave, I told him how I felt and how much of a crap Christian I was. He was brilliant about it all, and basically said, that yes, I probably was, but that was ok, because actually we all are. We all sin, and that it's ok because God forgives us. That one moment helped me so much, and made me realise so much about my own faith, and life.
Since then though I've really struggled with letting God in, and letting Him take over. A huge part of me wonders whether he really does have a plan for us or not, and as a Christian I do wonder if I should be having these thoughts? But I just don't know. Sometimes, things feel so right in life, and you think that it MUST be God, because why would it feel THIS right if it wasn't?
The phrase 'you have to do what's right' really winds me up... and yet I know I am totally guilty of using it myself, so much! But it does. How do you know what's right, and again, how do you know if it's God's right, and not just what we think is right?
I'm confused about life at the moment. Not just one thing, a whole load of things. I don't know where I'm meant to be anymore, what God wants me to do, if in fact he does actually want me to anything, and it's a painful process.
I titled this post 'Trust', and as of yet have written nothing about trust, but I guess that's just it. I am letting all of these emotions take over, and confuse me, when ultimatley I know I have to have hope, and trust in God. I just don't know how I'm meant to do that whilst feeling all of the above...
Friday, 14 September 2007
God works in mysterious ways...
Well, I've been away this week at residential. It was a completley mixed week, in that on Tuesday and Wednesday morning I had hit a big low and asked questions regarding the point of the week was, even whether there was much point in me being on the confused. I was confused, and felt genuinely quite pained to be there. Before I went I had desperatly tried to tell myself to go in positively and mix with people like I hadn't previously done. However, when it came to it, I just couldn't do it. On Wednesday morning Kelly, Barrie, Katy and myself all felt relatively disheartened by the week - the lack of lectures, and the cancellation of worship for things such as the boat race. There was a lecture that morning on advanced critical writing which none of us particularly wanted to attend as felt we could write critically without going to a two hour lecture telling us what we already knew. So we sat at a picnic table trying to work out what we could do instead. We talked about going into Oxford and going shopping, but decided that was really the last thing we wanted to do as none of us had any money, and really didn't want to be walking around the shops anyway. We then talked about going for a walk or to a tourist attraction, but as we had no Internet access, decdied against that too. Eventually a bus pulled up beside us, and we get on it... it was going to Oxford, a place we'd already said we didn't want to go.
After we got on the bus we all said how we didn't do anything spontaneous, and couldnt really work out why we'd ended up on the U1 bus into Oxford!!
When we got into Oxford we went for a coffee, and then couldn't work out where to go next. Anyway, Barrie suggested we should go into a church, so we walked to the church closest to us, and went in. After spending time walking around, and Barrie spent time praying, we sat down together and talked about the week, and then went onto to talk about some other stuff.
At this point a man walked past us, and said hello to us. We smiled and said hello back and then continued talking. Eventually he walked past us again, and stopped and started asking us about the Bible we had open, and if we read it/believed what it said. When we told him we did, he starting telling us how he felt the need to come and talk to us, and pray for us. After asking us what we were doing in Oxford, and us telling him we were on a course he prayed for us... during this prayer it was clear that God had done is wonderful job of managing to put us all in this place together, and we all felt completley refreshed by it all. It also happened that Steve (the man we met) was now living in New Zealand and was only back in England for three weeks!! He picked out phrases we'd used between us that morning, and then after he finished praying, told us that no matter what we should not let people drag us down or put the fire out that burns for God inside of us. This went deeper down, as was almost exactly what we had been talking about previously that morning. It was like he knew us, had spent time with us, and knew exactly what we needed prayer for. He then prayed for us again with such passion, laughed, said 'Man, you guys are too much' and walked off laughing. He left all four of us hugging each other in a state of tears! It was such an amazing experience.
Barrie and I have both emailed him today, but Barries email is so eloquent... I shall paste it hear, as it explains the situation so well, and thanks Him, and God for the amazing experience.:
'Hi Steve,
How do I start this e-mail?
I'm one of the 4 student Youth Ministers you met and prayed for in the church in Oxford on Wednesday morning (We were so brought there by God that I don't even know the name of the church!) I'm the easy one to remember as I'm the only guy in the group!
I just want to say thank you for your courage - for approaching us and talking to us as you felt the Spirit draw you to us.
We'd had absolutely no intention of coming into the City from Wheatley that morning, in fact we'd agreed it was the last thing we wanted to do, however when a bus drew alongside us, we just got on it. After coffee and a walk, the church seemed to appear out of the faceless shops, and we wandered in.I spent some time praying in the Lady chapel, and I could feel the Spirit beginning to move in me - I knew something awesome was going to happen, I didn't realise quite how awesome.
All morning we'd been complaining about the organisation of our college - bringing us to Oxford from the Midlands for 3 days in our busy schedules, and then offering us a programme of pointless lectures and cancelled worship. Meeting you, and your words to us, was like a great big Godly slap in the face. It was like He was telling us in no uncertain terms that He is at work in each and every life every single second. Who are we to question Him?More than that, your words spoke to us as a group of friends, and certainly to me as an individual. It was as if you knew us, in fact you even spoke phrases lifted directly from our earlier conversations. That's how we all knew you were speaking God's words to us.
At a point in the week when we were all feeling pretty low, meeting you and us all being ablaze with the Spirit gave us the lift that we needed. After you walked away laughing, we spent several minutes hugging and crying (scaring off a few visitors to the church in the process). When we left, I felt like I was walking on air.
Someone back at the college asked me where we'd been. I told her we'd been into the City, to a church, where God had sent a man from New Zealand to pray for us.
I hope and pray that the gloom and greyness of England has lifted somewhat from you, and that you enjoy your homeland. There are those of us here with fire in our hearts for Jesus, and with the passion to see lives changed. May God continue to bless you and your family and the work you are doing
Shalom
Barrie - I hope you don't mind me using this here, but it explains it so well!
Thank you God, Thank you Steve, and thank you Katy, Kelly and Barrie - you're such good mates, and I appreciate you so much. I feel like this week has made us so much closer, and it's meant the world to me. Residetntial may have been a complete waste of time in one respect, but on the other hand it was a huge learning curve, and I am so glad we were together to share it
After we got on the bus we all said how we didn't do anything spontaneous, and couldnt really work out why we'd ended up on the U1 bus into Oxford!!
When we got into Oxford we went for a coffee, and then couldn't work out where to go next. Anyway, Barrie suggested we should go into a church, so we walked to the church closest to us, and went in. After spending time walking around, and Barrie spent time praying, we sat down together and talked about the week, and then went onto to talk about some other stuff.
At this point a man walked past us, and said hello to us. We smiled and said hello back and then continued talking. Eventually he walked past us again, and stopped and started asking us about the Bible we had open, and if we read it/believed what it said. When we told him we did, he starting telling us how he felt the need to come and talk to us, and pray for us. After asking us what we were doing in Oxford, and us telling him we were on a course he prayed for us... during this prayer it was clear that God had done is wonderful job of managing to put us all in this place together, and we all felt completley refreshed by it all. It also happened that Steve (the man we met) was now living in New Zealand and was only back in England for three weeks!! He picked out phrases we'd used between us that morning, and then after he finished praying, told us that no matter what we should not let people drag us down or put the fire out that burns for God inside of us. This went deeper down, as was almost exactly what we had been talking about previously that morning. It was like he knew us, had spent time with us, and knew exactly what we needed prayer for. He then prayed for us again with such passion, laughed, said 'Man, you guys are too much' and walked off laughing. He left all four of us hugging each other in a state of tears! It was such an amazing experience.
Barrie and I have both emailed him today, but Barries email is so eloquent... I shall paste it hear, as it explains the situation so well, and thanks Him, and God for the amazing experience.:
'Hi Steve,
How do I start this e-mail?
I'm one of the 4 student Youth Ministers you met and prayed for in the church in Oxford on Wednesday morning (We were so brought there by God that I don't even know the name of the church!) I'm the easy one to remember as I'm the only guy in the group!
I just want to say thank you for your courage - for approaching us and talking to us as you felt the Spirit draw you to us.
We'd had absolutely no intention of coming into the City from Wheatley that morning, in fact we'd agreed it was the last thing we wanted to do, however when a bus drew alongside us, we just got on it. After coffee and a walk, the church seemed to appear out of the faceless shops, and we wandered in.I spent some time praying in the Lady chapel, and I could feel the Spirit beginning to move in me - I knew something awesome was going to happen, I didn't realise quite how awesome.
All morning we'd been complaining about the organisation of our college - bringing us to Oxford from the Midlands for 3 days in our busy schedules, and then offering us a programme of pointless lectures and cancelled worship. Meeting you, and your words to us, was like a great big Godly slap in the face. It was like He was telling us in no uncertain terms that He is at work in each and every life every single second. Who are we to question Him?More than that, your words spoke to us as a group of friends, and certainly to me as an individual. It was as if you knew us, in fact you even spoke phrases lifted directly from our earlier conversations. That's how we all knew you were speaking God's words to us.
At a point in the week when we were all feeling pretty low, meeting you and us all being ablaze with the Spirit gave us the lift that we needed. After you walked away laughing, we spent several minutes hugging and crying (scaring off a few visitors to the church in the process). When we left, I felt like I was walking on air.
Someone back at the college asked me where we'd been. I told her we'd been into the City, to a church, where God had sent a man from New Zealand to pray for us.
I hope and pray that the gloom and greyness of England has lifted somewhat from you, and that you enjoy your homeland. There are those of us here with fire in our hearts for Jesus, and with the passion to see lives changed. May God continue to bless you and your family and the work you are doing
Shalom
Barrie - I hope you don't mind me using this here, but it explains it so well!
Thank you God, Thank you Steve, and thank you Katy, Kelly and Barrie - you're such good mates, and I appreciate you so much. I feel like this week has made us so much closer, and it's meant the world to me. Residetntial may have been a complete waste of time in one respect, but on the other hand it was a huge learning curve, and I am so glad we were together to share it
Monday, 10 September 2007
After being unwell for over a month, I gave in and went to the doctors today. I was told I had a sinus infection (which I already knew) and was put on some antibiotics and given a nasal spray. It's odd. The nasal spray is one you can get over the counter and can be used for lots of things including hayfever. It smells just like lillies, which I find very strange in the fact that it is meant to helo hayfever, not irritate it... haha! (Yes before anyone says I do know what hayfever is caused by! :p)
Today has been fairly productive really. Had a meeting with someone this morning which was really useful, then I have spent the rest of the day tidying my flat etc, and making a very lush shepherds pie.
Tomorrow is residential. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. Dunno why I'm dreading it, I guess it's just because I can think of much better things I could be doing... anyway, it's happening whether I like it or not, and I have to go whether I like it or not, so I guess I should just make the most of it!!
Today has been fairly productive really. Had a meeting with someone this morning which was really useful, then I have spent the rest of the day tidying my flat etc, and making a very lush shepherds pie.
Tomorrow is residential. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. Dunno why I'm dreading it, I guess it's just because I can think of much better things I could be doing... anyway, it's happening whether I like it or not, and I have to go whether I like it or not, so I guess I should just make the most of it!!
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Current Favourite Toones...
So at the moment I am working on a compilation CD. It's all about the current favourite tunes. So far we have:
Good Morning - Kanye West
Round Here - Counting Crows
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
The Killing Mood - Echo and The Bunnymen
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
Generator - The Holloways
I will be adding lots more than this, however, lots of these songs I either love, or have a huuuge amount of meaning to me for various reasons!
Good Morning - Kanye West
This is the introduction to Kanye West's new album, and will make a fab 'first song' on a compilation CD. It's one of the best songs on the album, and just makes me feel happy and warm when I hear it...
Round Here - Counting Crows
I adore this Counting Crows song. Since hearing Phil play a few songs at greenbelt I've come back and listened to pretty much all the Counting Crows stuff I had, and I've enjoyed it so much. This song is awesome, and I especially like the kind of big cresendo bit at the end, and then how it fades out again. Not sure exactly what it is about this song that does it for me, I just love it...
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn and Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
I love love love it when artists take another persons song and transform it into their own. Finn and Smith both do a fab job of taking two of my all time favourite songs, and transforming them into something that I'd never imagine could come from the songs themselves. Patti Smith especially... the use of strings, and her strong vocals all go really well together to make this a very intersting and exciting cover!
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Since booking tickets to see Crowded House in December I've made an extra big effort to listen to more of their stuff, including their new album 'Time on Earth'. Finn's vocals on this are almose haunting. I love it. This song is one of my favourite on the album for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the music. I love the use of piano in songs, and it is done so well at the beginning of this song that it alreadty has my attention by the time the vocals kick in
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
My sister walked into this at her wedding. It will now always remind me of my sisters wedding, and will always send a shiver down my spine! In fact, I can hardly get through the introduction without shedding a tear as it reminds me of how proud I felt of my sister, and how happy I felt for both Emma and Stuart at that time :)
The Killing Moon - Echo and The Bunnymen
I first heard this when watching Donnie Darko, and I loved it. Since then I've listened to it to death, and love it even more. Not too sure what it is about it, I feel like there's something kind of eerie about it... think that comes from watching donnie darko more than anything else!!
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
This was a song I listened to sooo much when Simon and I split up, and it really depressed me. But the fact of the matter is I can now listen to it and it takes a whole different light up on it. The song talks about the guy touring and how difficult it is for him and his girlfriend and how she wishes he could live a normal life for a little while, so that they can be together for longer amounts of times. It's just a song to me now, but still fab! :)
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists and Generator - The Holloways
Both of these songs remind me of many a drunken night in MOSH nightclub, and being very happy! I remember we went to Mosh after seeing the Manics back in June, and I was dancing with this guy and Generator came on. He told me I danced a very happy dance during the song which made me smile as I was probably the happiest I'd been in a long time then, and that happiness has continued, and it's fab. I just love life, and this song makes me love life a little more!
Good Morning - Kanye West
Round Here - Counting Crows
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
The Killing Mood - Echo and The Bunnymen
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
Generator - The Holloways
I will be adding lots more than this, however, lots of these songs I either love, or have a huuuge amount of meaning to me for various reasons!
Good Morning - Kanye West
This is the introduction to Kanye West's new album, and will make a fab 'first song' on a compilation CD. It's one of the best songs on the album, and just makes me feel happy and warm when I hear it...
Round Here - Counting Crows
I adore this Counting Crows song. Since hearing Phil play a few songs at greenbelt I've come back and listened to pretty much all the Counting Crows stuff I had, and I've enjoyed it so much. This song is awesome, and I especially like the kind of big cresendo bit at the end, and then how it fades out again. Not sure exactly what it is about this song that does it for me, I just love it...
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn and Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
I love love love it when artists take another persons song and transform it into their own. Finn and Smith both do a fab job of taking two of my all time favourite songs, and transforming them into something that I'd never imagine could come from the songs themselves. Patti Smith especially... the use of strings, and her strong vocals all go really well together to make this a very intersting and exciting cover!
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Since booking tickets to see Crowded House in December I've made an extra big effort to listen to more of their stuff, including their new album 'Time on Earth'. Finn's vocals on this are almose haunting. I love it. This song is one of my favourite on the album for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the music. I love the use of piano in songs, and it is done so well at the beginning of this song that it alreadty has my attention by the time the vocals kick in
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
My sister walked into this at her wedding. It will now always remind me of my sisters wedding, and will always send a shiver down my spine! In fact, I can hardly get through the introduction without shedding a tear as it reminds me of how proud I felt of my sister, and how happy I felt for both Emma and Stuart at that time :)
The Killing Moon - Echo and The Bunnymen
I first heard this when watching Donnie Darko, and I loved it. Since then I've listened to it to death, and love it even more. Not too sure what it is about it, I feel like there's something kind of eerie about it... think that comes from watching donnie darko more than anything else!!
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
This was a song I listened to sooo much when Simon and I split up, and it really depressed me. But the fact of the matter is I can now listen to it and it takes a whole different light up on it. The song talks about the guy touring and how difficult it is for him and his girlfriend and how she wishes he could live a normal life for a little while, so that they can be together for longer amounts of times. It's just a song to me now, but still fab! :)
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists and Generator - The Holloways
Both of these songs remind me of many a drunken night in MOSH nightclub, and being very happy! I remember we went to Mosh after seeing the Manics back in June, and I was dancing with this guy and Generator came on. He told me I danced a very happy dance during the song which made me smile as I was probably the happiest I'd been in a long time then, and that happiness has continued, and it's fab. I just love life, and this song makes me love life a little more!
Thursday, 6 September 2007
I have been sorting out my bedroom at home this morning and have found some right little gems from school days etc. It's so weird going through things that I had completley forgotton I had or did! I had the best childhood ever. My parents were soooo fab when I was growing up :) You know, they couldn't afford a lot of the stuff my mates got, and at the time I guess that upset me a little but, but now I cherish the time they gave me. A lot of my mates didn't get to spend anywhere near as much time with their parents as I did as their parents were costantly working and they had child minders etc, but my parents, especially my mum, were always there for me, no matter what, and they gave me the best upbringing I could have wished for. If I can be half the parent they are and have been to be I will be happy :)
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
I so desperatly want to start writing again, but I just dont know where to start... I've got no inspiriation, and it makes me sad. I love poetry. Some of it is so eloquent, so flowing, and generally just beautifully written with so much meaning and heart behind it.
I miss reading it... Most of all I miss writing it.
I want to regain that talent...
I miss reading it... Most of all I miss writing it.
I want to regain that talent...
I spent yesterday afternoon sorting through an old file of mine from last year. Wow. It’s so strange looking back at Oasis Frontline and working in Woodley. It all seems like a distant memory now. I didn’t really enjoy a lot of the time I spent in Woodley, very few people understood me, and though I had a couple of really good friends, I mostly felt like a fish out of water. I so desperately wanted to chuck the whole year in, but didn’t because I don’t give up… no matter how much I hate something I won’t give up or be defeated by it…
It’s weird. I’ve just been reflecting on how much I’ve changed since then, and have realised that no matter how little I thought I’d changed I was actually completely wrong. I’ve changed so much. Just in terms of letting go of the depression a little bit, and facing up to stuff I didn’t necessarily want to face up to.
Only now, a year on from moving away from Woodley do I realise why I was so down there. I desperately wanted to be liked, and if that meant changing all my own personal views on the Christian Faith, and also the person I was, it would be done. And I did change. I changed myself a lot. I spent most of the time hiding under one huge façade, and only allowed myself to be truthful to one person, who I felt completely safe with and also felt like I could let down my barriers with… unfortunately that wasn’t God, which may have been where I went a bit wrong. Don’t get me wrong, that person was a massive help, and still is now, but sometimes, you need something a lot bigger than a person, and a relationship with someone who knows the true you no matter who you are on the surface… and the only one who can do that is God.
My personal relationship with God this year has polarised between to extremes. Most of this year I’ve spent struggling to believe for one reason or another, and then other times during this year I’ve never felt closer to Him. I guess most Christians can say that, and to be honest the nature of my personality probably doesn’t help either. I’m either all or nothing, drastically high or drastically low, and it’s kind of the same with God… either he is absolutely amazing, or totally non-existent. It’s confusing… but things seem to be evening out a lot, and God is a part of my life whether close or far away, I’m not massively high or massively low, but somewhere in between, and I’m not all or nothing, but instead a constant something… and you know, I really really like it!
For once I feel like I can be me, the person God actually created me to be, and the person God loves me for, and, I love it. If people like me for it, fantastic, if people don’t, well, it’s sad, and I still like to be liked by everyone, but it’s no biggy, and shouldn’t stop me from liking myself, or make me be somebody who I’m not.
So no, I’m not going to be somebody else anymore thank you very much. I am going to be me. I am going to be the person I like, my family likes, and my friends like, but most of all, the person God is moulding me to be. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to, but it’s not going to upset me anymore or make me put the big façade I have continually put on for the past 7 or 8 years of my life.
It’s weird. I’ve just been reflecting on how much I’ve changed since then, and have realised that no matter how little I thought I’d changed I was actually completely wrong. I’ve changed so much. Just in terms of letting go of the depression a little bit, and facing up to stuff I didn’t necessarily want to face up to.
Only now, a year on from moving away from Woodley do I realise why I was so down there. I desperately wanted to be liked, and if that meant changing all my own personal views on the Christian Faith, and also the person I was, it would be done. And I did change. I changed myself a lot. I spent most of the time hiding under one huge façade, and only allowed myself to be truthful to one person, who I felt completely safe with and also felt like I could let down my barriers with… unfortunately that wasn’t God, which may have been where I went a bit wrong. Don’t get me wrong, that person was a massive help, and still is now, but sometimes, you need something a lot bigger than a person, and a relationship with someone who knows the true you no matter who you are on the surface… and the only one who can do that is God.
My personal relationship with God this year has polarised between to extremes. Most of this year I’ve spent struggling to believe for one reason or another, and then other times during this year I’ve never felt closer to Him. I guess most Christians can say that, and to be honest the nature of my personality probably doesn’t help either. I’m either all or nothing, drastically high or drastically low, and it’s kind of the same with God… either he is absolutely amazing, or totally non-existent. It’s confusing… but things seem to be evening out a lot, and God is a part of my life whether close or far away, I’m not massively high or massively low, but somewhere in between, and I’m not all or nothing, but instead a constant something… and you know, I really really like it!
For once I feel like I can be me, the person God actually created me to be, and the person God loves me for, and, I love it. If people like me for it, fantastic, if people don’t, well, it’s sad, and I still like to be liked by everyone, but it’s no biggy, and shouldn’t stop me from liking myself, or make me be somebody who I’m not.
So no, I’m not going to be somebody else anymore thank you very much. I am going to be me. I am going to be the person I like, my family likes, and my friends like, but most of all, the person God is moulding me to be. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to, but it’s not going to upset me anymore or make me put the big façade I have continually put on for the past 7 or 8 years of my life.
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Maybe a slightly thick question but...
How do you befriend other people on blogger, I've a few friends who have them, and I just don't get how to subscribe to their blogs. I hate computers, I just don't get it!!!
Monday, 6 August 2007
It's been quite a while since I last updated this blog. I guess I've just not had time and not really had a lot to say on it! Life has been fairly mediocre of late.... well... that was until I went to Taize a couple of weeks ago, and then things suddenly changed!!
Taize was amazing, but also got me thinking a lot. Conversations I had with certain individuals, and the silent time amongst others made me become painfully aware of a lot of things, that I didn't necessarily ever want to face. Anyway, I've decided you can't run away from stuff for ever... so I've actually started to face it. And it hurts... It's meant splitting up with Simon, and it's also meant starting life afresh.
It's not going to be easy, and right now I'm so emotional, but you know, I'm also very excited, and also really glad that God has made this stuff clear to me.
This week is a funny one. I'm feeling so lonely and need some mates to just go and do stuff with. I wish I had some around Leicester to do stuff with, or even people further a field up for doing stuff. I'm starting to wonder how many mates I do have, and how many are interested in actually going out... it's kind of worrying
Taize was amazing, but also got me thinking a lot. Conversations I had with certain individuals, and the silent time amongst others made me become painfully aware of a lot of things, that I didn't necessarily ever want to face. Anyway, I've decided you can't run away from stuff for ever... so I've actually started to face it. And it hurts... It's meant splitting up with Simon, and it's also meant starting life afresh.
It's not going to be easy, and right now I'm so emotional, but you know, I'm also very excited, and also really glad that God has made this stuff clear to me.
This week is a funny one. I'm feeling so lonely and need some mates to just go and do stuff with. I wish I had some around Leicester to do stuff with, or even people further a field up for doing stuff. I'm starting to wonder how many mates I do have, and how many are interested in actually going out... it's kind of worrying
Friday, 25 May 2007
Manic Street Preachers - Nottingham Rock City 24/05/07
Thursday 24th May brought me my second Manics gig of the three... Well, it wasn't as good as Wolverhampton Civic, but to be honest, I don't think anything will ever match that gig.
My phone broke on Tuesday, so I had no way of contacting Caz to organise the gig with her. This made me stress muchly as I didn't think I'd be able to go... I was utterly gutted. Anyway, Simons phone came through on Thursday which meant I managed to get hold of her. Thank god!!!
I got to Nottingham about 6.30pm, and went for some tea with Caz and her mate. We didn't end up getting to Rock City until around 8.30pm which I was feeling pretty shitty about because I was desperate to get in front of Mr Wire again. Anyway, the good news was that I managed to miss The Enemy, I'd have got annoyed by them again. The even better news...? Well that was the fact that somehow, I still managed to get onto the barrier! I don't know how. I've never been on the barrier for a Manics gig, but I was, and it was amazing! I got some faaaab photos!!!
The setlist was fairly similar to Monday night, apart from two changes. That was 'I'm Just a Patsy' instead of 'Winterloves'... good, but I reckon they should have stayed with Winterlovers, but that's more because I adore Winterlovers! Second change was No Surface All Feeling to Small Black Flowers, and I have to say I was pretty apathetic over that. Love both of the songs, so either was good! Was nice to hear both of them accoustically actually.
Little Baby Nothing was my favourite song of the night I think. Nicky's introduction was beautiful. I can't really remember what he said, but it was dedicated to Richey, and what he said made me realise just how difficult they must still find it without Richey. I think it suddenly hit me how fab it was for them to carry on after Richey's dissaperance, and how well they've done since then. During Little Baby Nothing Nicky also came down to the crowd which was very cool. Though I was a little pissed off as he didn't quite get as close as me! Grrr!!!
Setlist
You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
I Am Just A Patsy
Faster
La Tristesse Durera
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone
If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next
Small Black Flowers (Acoustic)
This Is Yesterday (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned to Rock and Roll into Motown Junk
A Design For Life
Photos
Thursday 24th May brought me my second Manics gig of the three... Well, it wasn't as good as Wolverhampton Civic, but to be honest, I don't think anything will ever match that gig.
My phone broke on Tuesday, so I had no way of contacting Caz to organise the gig with her. This made me stress muchly as I didn't think I'd be able to go... I was utterly gutted. Anyway, Simons phone came through on Thursday which meant I managed to get hold of her. Thank god!!!
I got to Nottingham about 6.30pm, and went for some tea with Caz and her mate. We didn't end up getting to Rock City until around 8.30pm which I was feeling pretty shitty about because I was desperate to get in front of Mr Wire again. Anyway, the good news was that I managed to miss The Enemy, I'd have got annoyed by them again. The even better news...? Well that was the fact that somehow, I still managed to get onto the barrier! I don't know how. I've never been on the barrier for a Manics gig, but I was, and it was amazing! I got some faaaab photos!!!
The setlist was fairly similar to Monday night, apart from two changes. That was 'I'm Just a Patsy' instead of 'Winterloves'... good, but I reckon they should have stayed with Winterlovers, but that's more because I adore Winterlovers! Second change was No Surface All Feeling to Small Black Flowers, and I have to say I was pretty apathetic over that. Love both of the songs, so either was good! Was nice to hear both of them accoustically actually.
Little Baby Nothing was my favourite song of the night I think. Nicky's introduction was beautiful. I can't really remember what he said, but it was dedicated to Richey, and what he said made me realise just how difficult they must still find it without Richey. I think it suddenly hit me how fab it was for them to carry on after Richey's dissaperance, and how well they've done since then. During Little Baby Nothing Nicky also came down to the crowd which was very cool. Though I was a little pissed off as he didn't quite get as close as me! Grrr!!!
Setlist
You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
I Am Just A Patsy
Faster
La Tristesse Durera
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone
If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next
Small Black Flowers (Acoustic)
This Is Yesterday (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned to Rock and Roll into Motown Junk
A Design For Life
Photos
Roll on June 8th for Leicester! That's what I say!!!
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Manic Street Preachers - Wolverhampton Civic 21/05/07
So I went to the first of my three Manics gigs on Monday. It was at Wolverhampton Civic. You know, I hate that venue, and yet both times I have seen the Manics there have been totally amazing. They are so suited to the venue, and the crowed just love every minute of it, so did the Manics for that matter!
The enemy were supporting them. They're alright, nothing at all special, and god bless them, they look about 1o. The music currently taking over the indie scene is shit. There needs to be some decent music back on the radio desperatly.
Anyway, the Manics came on at about 9pm, and started the set with You Love Us. I guess it's a relatively predictable song to start off with, but the crowd loved it, as always!
The third song into their set was Motorcycle Emptiness, which James actually dedicated to the venue: 'This might seem a bit abstract, but this ones dedicated to the Civic Hall, we've had so many fucking great gigs here'. As always, it was totally fantastic live!!!
A few surprises to the setlist were Sleepflower, Born to End and James playing the beginning of Condemned to Rock and Roll before Motown Junk. I never thought I'd get to hear Sleepflower live, and I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear it!!! It just utterly blew me away. It's become one of my favourite Manics songs again.
The new songs off Send Away The Tigers all went down well, although I have to admit I'm not too keen on Send Away the Tigers as a live track, think it sounds pretty crap personally the harmony just doesn't work live... Both Rendition and Autumn Song were totally amazing though, as was Imperial Bodybags.
The Wire came out wearing a very attractive skirt in the second half, which was very very attractive. He looked so unbelivabley hot!
I'd gone off the Manics a lot over the past two years or so. I've just not had the interest in them anymore, but since that gig on Monday night I have recognised why I always loved them, and why I became completley obsessed with them. Since then, it's all I've listened to, and since then I seem to have become re-obsessed. There were times in that gig that made me go totally cold, not in a bad way, but some how, some way, the manics always manage to send a shiver down my spine. They're the only band that have ever done that to me, they're the only band that I have ever been obsessed with, and they're the only band I ever want to be obsessed with.
Thank you Manics... you were always such a huge part of my life, and have successfully managed to introduce me into music, literature, and so much else, that no other band have ever managed to do. I will always love you.
Setlist:
You Love Us
Imperial Bodybags
Motorcycle Emptiness
Winterlovers
Faster
La Tristesse Durera (Scream to a Sigh)
Send Away The Tigers
Everything Must Go
From Despair To Where
Rendition
Born To End
Ocean Spray
Your Love Alone Is Not Enough
If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next
This Is Yesterday (Solo/Electric)
No Surface All Feeling (Acoustic)
Sleepflower
Autumnsong
You Stole The Sun Form My Heart
Little Baby Nothing
Condemned To Rock and Roll/Motown Junk
A Design For Life
I got to the second row back, right in front of Nicky, as per usual. The Wire was very happy that night :)
Photos:
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
I loved my childhood. I spent days outside riding my bike, making daisy chains, playing with a hoola hoop, and silly games like that with other kids my age in the neighbour hood. It was so much fun. I had no worries at all, apart from if someone 'stole' a sweet from me or if I fell over. Stupid stuff, that didn't matter at all. My parents were amazing, and they were always there to pick me up if I fell. They still are... but they can't just bandage up a graze now or whatever.
I want to be a child again. I want to be that innocent, and have that much fun, without a care in the world... I miss it :(
I want to be a child again. I want to be that innocent, and have that much fun, without a care in the world... I miss it :(
Thursday, 1 March 2007
Just had a field work meeting, and I got an A :) yaaaaay! My fieldwork tutor was well pleased with me. I'm really really proud of myself, especially cos I've had so much shit going on this term as well :) :) :)
Tuesday was fab. I met up with Dave, which was so lovely. Dave's great. He understands me so well. It's just brilliant, and makes me feel less fuckwittish... lol!
Yesterday night Bob and me had a take away and played fifa. It was great :)
Tomorrow Alex is coming down for the weekend and I cannot wait to see her. I love that girl
Tuesday was fab. I met up with Dave, which was so lovely. Dave's great. He understands me so well. It's just brilliant, and makes me feel less fuckwittish... lol!
Yesterday night Bob and me had a take away and played fifa. It was great :)
Tomorrow Alex is coming down for the weekend and I cannot wait to see her. I love that girl
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