Busy week

This week has been pretty manic really. College monday and tuesday, counselling, meetings and notice sheet writing yesterday and random meetings, funding plans amongst other things today. Am absolutley knackered.

Counselling was interesting to say the least yesterday. It was really intense, as was last weeks, and it took a lot of energy out of me. I walked back home, and can honestly say I felt like I'd been hit by a double decker bus. It was good though, and I think it's effective. So difficult to tell after two sessions, but I am glad I'm doing it. I guess that's all I can say about it at the moment.

Tomorrow I've got a fairly busy day with line management in the morning, and then admin stuff, so nothing too bad I dont think. Then I've got this weekend off, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to having nothing to do!

Evangalism...

A couple of months ago I was involved with the filming of the Leicester Young People for Life DVD that has just been launched in the diocese. I've just watched it for the first time, and although am pleased with the parts they have picked out and highlighted etc, I wonder if I sound a little "evangelical", and that makes me feel quite uncomfortable. As someone who is deeply passionate about my faith, I wonder if this is something I should raise questions about. However I am unsure I want to raise those questions...

I've been questioning what the word "evangilism" actually means and so looked in the dictionary:

'Zealous preaching and dissemination of the gospel, as through missionary work'

Why is it that a lot of the Christians I know choose 'zelous preaching' and choose not to 'disseminate the gospel' in other ways? The thought of people preaching the gospel to me through words even as a Christian, fills me with immense fear. It probably shouldn't but it does. It makes me feel greatly uncomfortable, and is something I lack the ability to do completley. As someone involved in Youth Ministry I often question if I should be more effective at 'evangalising' and talking the talk. But actually I have no inclination or desire to. I love talking about my faith and thology, but I think that's entirely different than preaching about it to people that dont necessarily want to hear about it.

To me it is much more important to 'disseminate the gospel' through being Christ-like, through loving other people and being accountable. I like that, and that is where my passion lies. And yet I have to question the way I have done this recently. I have been in a process of loving life and learning to love myself, but in that process have forgotton the importance of the most important thing in my life... I'm struggling to work things through and am desperate to be accountable, and evangalise in the way I feel God is calling me, but at the moment I just feel as if I fail every time, and get knocked down at the first hurdle. Something I have done so freqently in life of late is forgetting God, and also forgetting to pray. I guess this is something I ought to focus on, and not beat myself up when I mess up.

God loves, God accepts, and God forgives. He's done this time and time again for me, and I hope that that is something I can do towards other people. I have a huge passion for my faith and it is something very deep and personal to me, yet I do so desperatly want other to see that passion within me. I just don't want to have to share it via words. I want to show Christ, by loving, accepting and forgiving. That's what's crucial to me...

recent lack of updates...

I've not really updated for a little while, as things have been fairly confusing and complicated, and the thought of writing about them, and playing them over my head more than necessary is draining in itself.


I went to London on Monday to meet up with Sarah and then go to see Rilo Kiley. It was weird. I've not seen her in over 2 years - since Live 8, and it was a little obscure... I dunno. We went to Rilo Kiley and I saw to seperate people I know/knew. It was a complete blast from the past. I've not seen them for ages and it was just bizarre. It got me thinking a lot about the past, and stuff I've done/not done, regretted doing/not doing and just lots of random thoughts.

I guess I became a little over-analaytical at that moment, and from there onwards and it kinda distanced me a little.

Ive been doing a lot of distancing myself lately. Distancing from people, and probably, more dangerously distancing me from me. That sounds obscure. And most likely it is. But I have been doing exactly that. I've tried to hide away from stuff and sometimes you just can't.

I had my first counselling session today. It was intense. 50 minutes talking about you, and about your past, and your dreams (?!) is exhausting... and something I don't really like doing. I really dislike talking about me at the best of times, but to a complete strager you expect it to be even worse. I imagined it to be living hell. But it wasn't. It was intense, and I can imagine the next 11 sessions will all be like that. But I also think there's potential to work with what I talk about in those sessions. I need to be open to it. I guess I want to learn to deal with stuff I have not previously attempted to, instead locked away, both concsiously and sub-concsiously.

I am currently listening to Taize chants. I miss Taize. I miss the simplicity. The reflecting. The sheer stripped down, slow moving version of life. I like that life style. It's easy... it's nice... and it's comfortable. I know I cant do it forever, yet I wish I could... It's odd.

Since Taize I have changed so, so much, but I guess part of me is reverting back to how I was before Taize at the moment. A lot has happened since I was there, and it's been really difficult to process it all. I want to, but I am completley unable to at the moment. It's complexity is hurting my mind, and I don't know where to begin with it all. Yet I know I want to begin and plough through it...