These last two weeks have been hugely intense. I have felt lower than I have quite possibly ever felt. more out of my depth, more lonely, and more lost than I think I have ever done so. Totally confused, and isolated.

Today has been a baby step forward. I know that this is quite clearly just a beginning, but it's a start to an end. No matter how long it takes I think today was the day of admitting defeat. Admitting that no, I can't deal with things on my own, and that yes, I do need to let God in. I'm still not quite sure how I do that. But knowing I need to is a step in the right direction. Amongst a lot of tears, and a lot of sadness there has been positive moments today. Moments that I want to cling onto for dear life because I know that it is something I can aim to achieve. No matter how long it may take.

Elenor Roosevelt once said: “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” And you know, I think she's right. I have been in complete denial for a long time about something now. Complete denial. Fooling myself into thinking it was ok and repressing it completley. And now I am realising I was wrong to do so. That unfortunatley, as painful as it may be to do so. I have to face it dead on. That in the long term, I will survive it, and that my character will grow.

This weekend

This weekend has been absolutley wonderful. I have, to an extent managed to relax a little and escape an environment that was making me think constantly. I did not stop thinking by all means, but it did enable me to put some kind of positive spin on things, which was really really helpful.

Anyway, I went to my brothers girlfriends yesterday and we went to a couple of pubs for drinkies and then back to her house and played on the Wii, watched TV and ate huge amounts of food, and drank a bit more. It really was fab. Today, we ate and drank lots more, and played more Wii and cludo.

I've managed to escape a bit over the weekend from myself, and I think I needed it. I still feel pretty shit and absolutley exhausted, but I am feeling more positive, which is definitley something that needed to happen.

Tomorrow is another day, and at the moment I'm wondering how to get through each day. Desperatly trying to busy myself, but I am feeling slightly more positive about stuff. I spoke to V on Friday and she is going to organise some more counselling for me, which is a really big step. I'm hugely scared, but I so need to face this stuff. It's the right thing to do. I also need to stop drinking. I said this after Wednesday, but it seems so far I have failed at that quite miserably. So from tomorrow I also need to cut that out. And I mean completley. Just for a couple of weeksn or so, but it's something I really need to do. I can't seem to drink without want more and more. This weekend has been ok because I've been with my brother, but generally it's just not that easy...

Taize is two weeks tomorrow. I've got to say I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I was really looking forward to it. But lots of stuff has happened and I'm not sure how I feel about spending the whole week thinking about that stuff. It's kinda hard to avoid thinking about when there's so much time there in the prayers left to reflect. I think it will do me good, and actually think it's probably come at the time I need it most, but I get so scared of actually facing upto myself. It's not all that easy. At all.

This week has absolutley flown by. I dont understand where it's gone. But on the other hand last weekend seems like years away. I feel like I've processed more this week than in the last two years put together, and my mind is on one thing only. I'm trying to focus on other stuff, but I'm failing quite miserably.

I just want it all to go away. I dont want to have to think about it anymore. I'm tired of it. I want things to go back to me seeing it as I did before. I just don't like it

Last weekend

On Friday I went back down to Reading to visit a couple of friends from my placement. It was so enjoyable and it was so lovely to see the people I got on with. But it was really intenese and really tiring on my emotions. I guess being in that place made me think of things I went through when I was down there, and how much I have changed since I was there, but it also made me realise there was a lot of crap I was yet to face. It's left me feeling very confused, totally withdrawn, and not really sure where to go with everything.

I guess since I have left that church I have been left with the real negatives I expereinced whilst down there and not a lot of the positives. The negative comments people made about me have stuck whilst the other stuff has subsided. So going back, was hard. It made me go back to all of that negativity I felt about the place, and I genuinely felt like most people there hated me. I don't think this was necessarily true to the extent I felt it was, but I think there was an element of truth in it, and I've found that something really hard to deal with. I've changed a lot in these last two years, and hoped that people would see that whilst I was there, but I just felt like I reverted back to old ways while I was there, and in some ways now that I've left, which really makes me raise the question of just how over all of this I actually am.

I think it had a massive impact on how I view my faith as well. I guess for a long time I have thought that I have been putting all my faith in God, when actually, since going to Reading I wonder if I have been disregaurding him for a while. I mean, I rarely pray anymore or think about it my faith, and the impact it has on my life, I just get on with my job on auto-pilate. Which is not ideal in the slightest. I think I need to take some time out to reflect on my faith, and also my actions, as lately they have not been so good. The problem is, is that when I do that I end up facing myself. I'm not sure if I want to do that...