Not updated in a couple of days as have been away at college and other various things...

Sunday: Bob came over and we had a very lovely roast dinner. We had lamb, and roast potatoes, and loads of other delights! It was lovely.

Monday and Tuesday: I was at college which was actually really good. I must admit I was really dreading going back and getting back into it, but it was so fab, and enjoyable. Had some good chats with people and also had a very nice Chinese Take-away with Kelly and Katy which was delightful and yummy.


Today has been really good so far. Met up with Anna this morning for coffee which was nice. We also went to the Christian bookshop and brought some Bible notes. We've decided while she is still in England we're going to try and meet up on a weekly basis and reflect on the notes, and talk about what God's been saying to us that week etc about those weeks notes. Am very excited by this as feel like it will actually be a real motivation for me to actually get down to it and read my bible. It was lovely to meet up with her again after greenbelt. Didn't really get to chat with her then, so was cool :)

Also gone into work and Sarah has designed a fab leaflet with all the youth work activities and stuff the Cathedral do etc. So very pleased with that. We now have a logo for Youth at Leicester Cathedral which is most exciting!! :) This evening I have been doing a design group with some young people about a basement we've got and are wanting to turn into a youth facility. It was ace :)

Life is really good at the moment. I'm excited about work, and just where God may or may not be taking me. Whilst at college I chatted to a couple of people about callings etc, and have decided that actually I need to stop dwelling on what may happen in the future. I need to be open to embracing it, but I also need to live my life for the now at the moment. So that's exactly what I'm going to do!

Well, this morning I was awoken by the postman dropping a rather large parcel through my door. I hadn't got a clue what it was, as very few people know my address, and I just didn't recognise the writing at all! I looooove getting parcels through the post when I don't know what they are! It's a complete surprise and it's all very exciting! Anyway, I opened it and recognised a couple of the leaflets that dropped out, and realised the person who was sending me this package was Steve - the guy we met in a church in Oxford last week! How amazing! I'd sent him an email last week and he must have picked my address off the bottom of it and decided to send me a parcel. There was two CD's, a book, and lots of leaflets etc, with a little card. I was so touched.



I've been listening to the CD this morning and generally it wouldn't be my kind of thing, but I do really like it. This one verse of a song goes:

'I tried to walk on the water and found myself under the sea

So with water up my nose I felt your hand come close to save me

I’ve tried to cast out the demons I’ve gone to the darkest of regions

When fear has me shaking you suddenly break in to save me '

I like these words a lot, and they really relate to a lot of the things I've been thinking and feeling lately. I guess I want to work things through on my own a lot, and don't really want God's help, but actually without it, I'm just never going to get through, so it's about remembering that, and also where I am without God...

Things I want to do with my life...

So... I was on facebook this morning and added the 'Interests +' application to my profile. There is a section on there called 'Things I want to do with my life'... I added the following things (in no particular order):

Enjoy life
Get Married
Write a book
Make other people happy
Help others
Be happy and laugh a lot
Have children
Serve God
Adopt a child
Learn new things

I am currently wondering how many of these things I will actually do, and how many of these things are actually in my control. I am also wondering if I worry too much about how many of these things I'll get to do...

The important ones to me are: Enjoy life, Make other people happy, help others, be happy and laugh a lot, serve God, and Learn new things.

The things I really want, but know I could do without are: get married, have children, and adopt a child...

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to get married. I guess it's the ideal isn't it? You find someone, you get married, you have a few kids, and live happily ever after. I want these more than anything, but wonder if it will ever happen. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and have a long time before I have to make these desicions, but it is something I wonder about. I guess part of me also wonders if anyone will ever find me good enough to spend their life with? I like myself a lot lot more since I got back from Taize, and I am trying so hard... but I do honestly have to question if I am good enough to have a family... if someone would ever like me enough to spend their whole life with me... I wonder if I am capable of bringing up children, and if anyone would ever actually let me adopt anyway...

Then I'm brought back to God... actually yes, He thinks I'm good enough, and if it's in His plans (whatever they may be...) then someone else will think I'm good enough... and I'll either have children of my own or adopt... I dont even mind which... I just want children so much...

Does everyone think they aren't good enough...? I worry sometimes it's just me. That's not meant in a self-obsessive way, but I do... even though I know it's not the case...

The more important things:

Serve God...

Ultimatley I guess this is the one thing I want to do with my life, and I guess that with this a lot of the other things in my 'important list' would get covered too... I still don't know if God calls people, or if he just puts strong desires on people's hearts, or in fact if they are the same thing... what I do know, is that I want to learn to know God better, and that I do need to trust him more. If I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I'll find it a little easier to serve the big guy...

Enjoy life...

Sometimes I regret being such a dull teenager and never going out and getting drunk blah blah blah... and then I think hang on a minute, on a life scale, those things are boring, and mundane, and actually although I like doing those things they DON'T actually help me to enjoy life in the big scale of things... I guess I need to embrace things a little more...

Make other people happy...

I often need to be needed... it's not always the case, but I so desperatly want to make others happy and help them out where I can... I guess if I can't make someone happy I feel like I've failed in some way... yet it's not actually in my power to make others happy is it? Sure, I can help, I can be selfless, and do stuff to contribute to making others happy, but ultimatley it's not just upto me... And I guess sometimes, I need to realise this, so that I don't feel a huge sense of failure if I can't make someone happy or help them in the way I want to

Learn new things

My fieldwork tutor is amazing! He must be in his 70's and is still so hungry to learn... Since starting this degree he has been a massive inspiration to me... he's humble, and has an amazing inner peace/strength about him, which I can only put down to his passion for God, and helping others. He is open to learning about whatever he can, and I find that so inspiring... If I could be half of what Terry is at his age, I think I'd be happy

I guess the point of this post is to question how important some of those things are on that list... How much do I actually need to worry about them, and how much do I need to hand them over to God...? It's not easy to do that though is it?

Feeling lots better today. Spent a lot of time chatting ro Richard last night on messenger. Was just chatting about life and stuff, and the future, and told him lots of stuff that I've needed to talk through with someone for a good while. It's not really made any of it any clearer, but was just good to chat things through with someone, as I just don't do that normally. Find it so hard to talk to people about emotions, plans, feelings etc...

Today I have got up, and literally done nothing since then. I got up at about 9am, and have been watching day time TV ever since.

Sounds like Bob is planning to come back to Leicester tonight with Seb and Dave. Apparantly Dave has got conjunctivitus and is not wanting to drive back to Sheffield, so Bob has said they can stop at his. Therefore, I think we're going out for a drink which will be quite nice. Could do with a good night.

Not really feeling so great again today. Feeling a little miserable and bit lonely. Not really done a lot. Just been at work this morning for a couple of hours, and then I went and had lunch with Robin and chatted about random youth work stuff.

This afternoon I have slept again, which has been good, but will probably mean I won't sleep tonight now...

I just dunno how I'm feeling at the moment, and it's kinda horrible. Not felt like this since way before Taize, and it kinda sucks :(

I have been so efficient today. This morning I went to Eucharist and Staff Breakfast, and then I did loads of work including the youth notice sheet for this Sunday, contact lots of people, arrange dates for the october half trips I'm doing, do a Taize poster, and attend a meeting. All in two hours.

After that I met up th Shell, as she was in Leicester for an interview. She's moving to Leicester on Friday which is very cool. I reckon she will mostly have her own set of friends as time moves on, and we've not really been in contact for a couple of years, and we're both doing entirely different things, but it'll be cool to see her on occasions etc :) Was lovely to see her today.

Then I did some food shopping, came home and had a snooze as for some reason was totally exhausted, and then I cooked as Peter was coming round for dinner tonight. Was nice to see Peter actually. Not really seen him properly in a little while, so it was cool.

Now I have to go and make an effort to wash up, or at least leave things to soak, so they aren't caked in food tomorrow and impossible to clean!

I a so tired... even though I did sleep for two hours this afternoon.

Feeling kind of miserable actually, and I don't even know why, had a lovely day :(

Today hasn't been too bad. I was at church this morning, and the service was lovely, and then I dashed into Leicester to get some lunch, and then came back to the Cathedral Centre for the Taize - Prayers with Songs service. It was great, as always. I so wish I could get involved more with Taize, or go over there for much much longer, but I know if I did it would be entirely for the wrong reasons. If I was to get involved with more Taize services, it would be because I don't really enjoy worshipping God in other ways, therefore possibly a bit of escapism from reality... if I went to Taize for longer each year, it would be because I don't really enjoy getting on with the real world of life! Therefore, escapism! Escpaism is good... but I don't think you can really escape forever, not even in the form of Taize, no matter how much I would like to, or pretend to myself I could.

The rest of this afternoon I have spent at the Cathedral Centre preparing for this session I have got with the choir after evensong. I am feeling a little stressed about it actually. This is my first proper session as a youth leader in soooo long, and with young people I don't really know, so I have to admit I'm kinda worried. I'm also a little worried that none of the young people will stick around for it, as they aren't used to stopping after evensong for something else... so it could be interesting!

Tonight I am stopping in, and avoiding alcohol again which is good. When I came back from residential, I realised there was only about three days between coming back from greenbelt and the thursday we came back from residential that I hadn't actually had some kind of alcoholic drink, and I have to say it got me a little worried about how much I was drinking! Needless to say, Friday, yesterday, and today I have tried not to drink anything!! Instead I think I shall watch TV, and possibly a film, and then have an early night again. I went to bed at 9.15 last night. How sad is that eh? I was so tired. Feeling very refreshed today though, which is nice :)

Trust...

I've woken up today in a really contemplative mood. The more I think about life, friends, family, and ultimatley God, I just don't know where I'm meant to be. How are you meant to know the difference between God's calling, and your desires? Does God just have one calling for you, or does he have numerous? Does God actually have a calling at all?

Just over a year ago, I was going through possibly one of the worst times in my life, and was with people who made me feel genuinely crap about myself. I hated myself, and thought I was utterly worthless. I also realised through numerous things at that current point in time, that I was an absolutley dreadful Christian, obviously, this made me feel even worse about myself. I kept screwing up, and hurting God, and I didn't really feel like there was a lot I could do about it. The one day I totally broke down in tears, while talking to Dave, I told him how I felt and how much of a crap Christian I was. He was brilliant about it all, and basically said, that yes, I probably was, but that was ok, because actually we all are. We all sin, and that it's ok because God forgives us. That one moment helped me so much, and made me realise so much about my own faith, and life.

Since then though I've really struggled with letting God in, and letting Him take over. A huge part of me wonders whether he really does have a plan for us or not, and as a Christian I do wonder if I should be having these thoughts? But I just don't know. Sometimes, things feel so right in life, and you think that it MUST be God, because why would it feel THIS right if it wasn't?

The phrase 'you have to do what's right' really winds me up... and yet I know I am totally guilty of using it myself, so much! But it does. How do you know what's right, and again, how do you know if it's God's right, and not just what we think is right?

I'm confused about life at the moment. Not just one thing, a whole load of things. I don't know where I'm meant to be anymore, what God wants me to do, if in fact he does actually want me to anything, and it's a painful process.

I titled this post 'Trust', and as of yet have written nothing about trust, but I guess that's just it. I am letting all of these emotions take over, and confuse me, when ultimatley I know I have to have hope, and trust in God. I just don't know how I'm meant to do that whilst feeling all of the above...

God works in mysterious ways...

Well, I've been away this week at residential. It was a completley mixed week, in that on Tuesday and Wednesday morning I had hit a big low and asked questions regarding the point of the week was, even whether there was much point in me being on the confused. I was confused, and felt genuinely quite pained to be there. Before I went I had desperatly tried to tell myself to go in positively and mix with people like I hadn't previously done. However, when it came to it, I just couldn't do it. On Wednesday morning Kelly, Barrie, Katy and myself all felt relatively disheartened by the week - the lack of lectures, and the cancellation of worship for things such as the boat race. There was a lecture that morning on advanced critical writing which none of us particularly wanted to attend as felt we could write critically without going to a two hour lecture telling us what we already knew. So we sat at a picnic table trying to work out what we could do instead. We talked about going into Oxford and going shopping, but decided that was really the last thing we wanted to do as none of us had any money, and really didn't want to be walking around the shops anyway. We then talked about going for a walk or to a tourist attraction, but as we had no Internet access, decdied against that too. Eventually a bus pulled up beside us, and we get on it... it was going to Oxford, a place we'd already said we didn't want to go.

After we got on the bus we all said how we didn't do anything spontaneous, and couldnt really work out why we'd ended up on the U1 bus into Oxford!!

When we got into Oxford we went for a coffee, and then couldn't work out where to go next. Anyway, Barrie suggested we should go into a church, so we walked to the church closest to us, and went in. After spending time walking around, and Barrie spent time praying, we sat down together and talked about the week, and then went onto to talk about some other stuff.

At this point a man walked past us, and said hello to us. We smiled and said hello back and then continued talking. Eventually he walked past us again, and stopped and started asking us about the Bible we had open, and if we read it/believed what it said. When we told him we did, he starting telling us how he felt the need to come and talk to us, and pray for us. After asking us what we were doing in Oxford, and us telling him we were on a course he prayed for us... during this prayer it was clear that God had done is wonderful job of managing to put us all in this place together, and we all felt completley refreshed by it all. It also happened that Steve (the man we met) was now living in New Zealand and was only back in England for three weeks!! He picked out phrases we'd used between us that morning, and then after he finished praying, told us that no matter what we should not let people drag us down or put the fire out that burns for God inside of us. This went deeper down, as was almost exactly what we had been talking about previously that morning. It was like he knew us, had spent time with us, and knew exactly what we needed prayer for. He then prayed for us again with such passion, laughed, said 'Man, you guys are too much' and walked off laughing. He left all four of us hugging each other in a state of tears! It was such an amazing experience.

Barrie and I have both emailed him today, but Barries email is so eloquent... I shall paste it hear, as it explains the situation so well, and thanks Him, and God for the amazing experience.:

'Hi Steve,

How do I start this e-mail?

I'm one of the 4 student Youth Ministers you met and prayed for in the church in Oxford on Wednesday morning (We were so brought there by God that I don't even know the name of the church!) I'm the easy one to remember as I'm the only guy in the group!

I just want to say thank you for your courage - for approaching us and talking to us as you felt the Spirit draw you to us.

We'd had absolutely no intention of coming into the City from Wheatley that morning, in fact we'd agreed it was the last thing we wanted to do, however when a bus drew alongside us, we just got on it. After coffee and a walk, the church seemed to appear out of the faceless shops, and we wandered in.I spent some time praying in the Lady chapel, and I could feel the Spirit beginning to move in me - I knew something awesome was going to happen, I didn't realise quite how awesome.

All morning we'd been complaining about the organisation of our college - bringing us to Oxford from the Midlands for 3 days in our busy schedules, and then offering us a programme of pointless lectures and cancelled worship. Meeting you, and your words to us, was like a great big Godly slap in the face. It was like He was telling us in no uncertain terms that He is at work in each and every life every single second. Who are we to question Him?More than that, your words spoke to us as a group of friends, and certainly to me as an individual. It was as if you knew us, in fact you even spoke phrases lifted directly from our earlier conversations. That's how we all knew you were speaking God's words to us.

At a point in the week when we were all feeling pretty low, meeting you and us all being ablaze with the Spirit gave us the lift that we needed. After you walked away laughing, we spent several minutes hugging and crying (scaring off a few visitors to the church in the process). When we left, I felt like I was walking on air.

Someone back at the college asked me where we'd been. I told her we'd been into the City, to a church, where God had sent a man from New Zealand to pray for us.

I hope and pray that the gloom and greyness of England has lifted somewhat from you, and that you enjoy your homeland. There are those of us here with fire in our hearts for Jesus, and with the passion to see lives changed. May God continue to bless you and your family and the work you are doing

Shalom

Barrie - I hope you don't mind me using this here, but it explains it so well!

Thank you God, Thank you Steve, and thank you Katy, Kelly and Barrie - you're such good mates, and I appreciate you so much. I feel like this week has made us so much closer, and it's meant the world to me. Residetntial may have been a complete waste of time in one respect, but on the other hand it was a huge learning curve, and I am so glad we were together to share it

After being unwell for over a month, I gave in and went to the doctors today. I was told I had a sinus infection (which I already knew) and was put on some antibiotics and given a nasal spray. It's odd. The nasal spray is one you can get over the counter and can be used for lots of things including hayfever. It smells just like lillies, which I find very strange in the fact that it is meant to helo hayfever, not irritate it... haha! (Yes before anyone says I do know what hayfever is caused by! :p)

Today has been fairly productive really. Had a meeting with someone this morning which was really useful, then I have spent the rest of the day tidying my flat etc, and making a very lush shepherds pie.

Tomorrow is residential. I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it. Dunno why I'm dreading it, I guess it's just because I can think of much better things I could be doing... anyway, it's happening whether I like it or not, and I have to go whether I like it or not, so I guess I should just make the most of it!!

Current Favourite Toones...

So at the moment I am working on a compilation CD. It's all about the current favourite tunes. So far we have:

Good Morning - Kanye West
Round Here - Counting Crows
There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn
Pourple Monde - Crowded House
Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World
The Killing Mood - Echo and The Bunnymen
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
Generator - The Holloways

I will be adding lots more than this, however, lots of these songs I either love, or have a huuuge amount of meaning to me for various reasons!

Good Morning - Kanye West

This is the introduction to Kanye West's new album, and will make a fab 'first song' on a compilation CD. It's one of the best songs on the album, and just makes me feel happy and warm when I hear it...

Round Here - Counting Crows

I adore this Counting Crows song. Since hearing Phil play a few songs at greenbelt I've come back and listened to pretty much all the Counting Crows stuff I had, and I've enjoyed it so much. This song is awesome, and I especially like the kind of big cresendo bit at the end, and then how it fades out again. Not sure exactly what it is about this song that does it for me, I just love it...

There is A Light Name That Never Goes Out - Neil Finn and Smells Like Teen Spirit - Patti Smith

I love love love it when artists take another persons song and transform it into their own. Finn and Smith both do a fab job of taking two of my all time favourite songs, and transforming them into something that I'd never imagine could come from the songs themselves. Patti Smith especially... the use of strings, and her strong vocals all go really well together to make this a very intersting and exciting cover!

Pourple Monde - Crowded House

Since booking tickets to see Crowded House in December I've made an extra big effort to listen to more of their stuff, including their new album 'Time on Earth'. Finn's vocals on this are almose haunting. I love it. This song is one of my favourite on the album for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the music. I love the use of piano in songs, and it is done so well at the beginning of this song that it alreadty has my attention by the time the vocals kick in

Hear You Hear Me - Jimmy Eat World

My sister walked into this at her wedding. It will now always remind me of my sisters wedding, and will always send a shiver down my spine! In fact, I can hardly get through the introduction without shedding a tear as it reminds me of how proud I felt of my sister, and how happy I felt for both Emma and Stuart at that time :)

The Killing Moon - Echo and The Bunnymen

I first heard this when watching Donnie Darko, and I loved it. Since then I've listened to it to death, and love it even more. Not too sure what it is about it, I feel like there's something kind of eerie about it... think that comes from watching donnie darko more than anything else!!

Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

This was a song I listened to sooo much when Simon and I split up, and it really depressed me. But the fact of the matter is I can now listen to it and it takes a whole different light up on it. The song talks about the guy touring and how difficult it is for him and his girlfriend and how she wishes he could live a normal life for a little while, so that they can be together for longer amounts of times. It's just a song to me now, but still fab! :)

Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists and Generator - The Holloways

Both of these songs remind me of many a drunken night in MOSH nightclub, and being very happy! I remember we went to Mosh after seeing the Manics back in June, and I was dancing with this guy and Generator came on. He told me I danced a very happy dance during the song which made me smile as I was probably the happiest I'd been in a long time then, and that happiness has continued, and it's fab. I just love life, and this song makes me love life a little more!

I have been sorting out my bedroom at home this morning and have found some right little gems from school days etc. It's so weird going through things that I had completley forgotton I had or did! I had the best childhood ever. My parents were soooo fab when I was growing up :) You know, they couldn't afford a lot of the stuff my mates got, and at the time I guess that upset me a little but, but now I cherish the time they gave me. A lot of my mates didn't get to spend anywhere near as much time with their parents as I did as their parents were costantly working and they had child minders etc, but my parents, especially my mum, were always there for me, no matter what, and they gave me the best upbringing I could have wished for. If I can be half the parent they are and have been to be I will be happy :)