Tuesday 22 April 2008

Maybe it's just the alcohol talking but...

Sooo. I've been through the usual up and downs recently, and I've questioned everything from my existance, to why I am in Leicester, to if anyone really gives a shit about me at all. But. I've been at the Street Pastors AGM tonight, and it was wonderful. It made me realise just how many people I know in Leicester. I don't know if those people really care that much about me or not, but it made me realise how settled I am here, and how much I've learnt to love this place.

I sat there at the beginning, and it was just horrible. I didn't recognise anyone there, and then after the talks I started chatting to loads of people, people I didn't know, but loads of people I did, people I have not chatted to in aaages, and had almost forgotton about. It was just wonderful. The AGM was nice. Good to hear about the Street Pastors updates and also to socialise and share food with others. I've just walked home. It's only a five minute walk away from where I live, and yet I met so many people I knew or recognised.

I picked up a couple of sandwiches from the food left over (I hate left overs!) for my lunch tomorrow, and then saw Lisa a homeless girl in Leicester on the way back, so I gave them to her, and we had a really lovely chat. Just short, and the usual stuff, but it was lovely. I then saw a few people from the EAGA Gospel Choir walking down the road. They'd obviously just been to a practice as they meet on Tuesday nights and they were singing. It was awesome! Then to top things off I saw B from the Cathedral. She's a mate of mine. It was just amazing.

I just realised just how much I loved Leicester and the importance of all those people I recognise. It was so nice.

I've been weighing up the option of changing placements from this coming September or not, and then I have a night like tonight. The Cathedral feels right, and then I see all those people and it makes the whole thing seem right. It's not the ideal, no. But no matter how few friends I have, I like it here. I've settled here, and I don't want to move until the end of my degree.

Saturday 19 April 2008

After much thought and deliberation...

After a long process, painful thoughts, much procrastinating I have finally managed to write a journal adressing the thoughts of my last post. I have also included lots of thoughts from previous blogs and stuff, so I have put a link to downloading it here. If you fancy a read, please do!

http://download.yousendit.com/DED8B8EC75E006CA

Friday 18 April 2008

Two things...

1. I wish there was someone I could talk to

2. Scouting for Girls are shit. Seriously.

Thursday 17 April 2008

Nothing can ever come between us and the love of God...

So, I'm supposed to be writing a journal for college at the moment, and I'm failing. It's a theological reflection one, and I was doing a bit of research for quotes etc. So actually, I'm not exactly failing, I just got side tracked, and I think I need to vent it out on here before I turn it into a journal. I think I need to put it down in raw terms first, and then dress it up a bit... so here we go.

I've been thinking lots these last few weeks about failure. My inability to have confidence in myself, and the sheer ability I have to turn every positive into a negative. To transform beauty into ugliness. I don't know. I'm not talking about anything in particular, maybe just everything.

In essence, I'm struggling with things a lot lately. Maybe I'm spending too much time contemplating and reflecting on things for my own good. Or maybe I'm right about it all. Who knows. I just know I need to get it all off my chest. So here goes nothing...

So, after Spring Harvest 2005 I realised that God was calling me to youth work, and that it wasn't just something I desired to do. I'd applied to Occupational Therapy at university thinking that it was what I wanted to do, but deep down I knew that I wanted to do youth work and that it was where God was leading me. Now I dont think God has one path for us, I think he can use any we take and transform them into something beautiful, as long as we are also willing to put in the time and the effort. But on this occasion, I knew I needed to cancel my uni applications and go into youth work. So I took a gap year. Honestly? That gap year was living hell. I hated every minute of it, and failed at it quite miserably. There was one or two people who were amazing supportive, and I'm still friends with them to this day. Had it not have been for them, and the grace of God I've absolutley no idea where I would be today. Somehow I got to the end of that year and still felt I was being called to do youth work so I started this degree. I love my placement, and I love the work, but I can't help but think I am still failing. I have no regular youth work happening, everything that was going on in my placement last year has crumbled since J left and I'm left wondering what the hell to do.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for youth work, or if this was all just a hope/dream of mine, and nothing to do with God. I've learnt a lot over these years about myself, and I've learnt lots about youth work, but I can't help but feel if I'm absolutley crap at it. I just wonder how it'll turn out when I get my first full time youth work job after this degree. With no regular youth work experience am I going to feel equipped enough to deal with it?

While I've been on this degree I think I've felt a series of emotions I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel. I've gone from being on top of the universe to the depths of depression. I've felt loved, I've felt lost, and I've felt compeltley numb. Maybe this is all part of me being moulded into a stronger person. But if I'm honest I'm not sure how much more I can deal with. I've become stronger already. At the moment I don't want to be any stronger. I just want to get on with life without thinking about unimaginable stuff all the time. I dont want to keep thinking I'm failing miserably, or that I cant do my job, or that the people at work think I'm a waste of space, and genuinely cant stand me. The problem is, at the moment that's the truth to me. No matter what people say, that's the truth. In my heart I dont know if this is what other people are saying, but in my head it feels that is all they're saying. I just dont know how to get over it.