This Christmas has been lovely, and yet now it's got to 11pm, it's all over, and that crashing down to the normal world comes, and I have become rather reflective on Christmas, what it means to be a Christian, etc etc...
For years I have hated Christmas. In all honesty, I miss my Gran. Christmas is a family time, and my Gran loved it so much. Yet this year we had all the family over and for the first time since my Gran died in 2003 I've genuinely looked forward to Christmas, and got as excited as a child. Its been a wonderful feeling, and today has been simply delightful, but it's over now... and I'm left reflecting on what it's all about...
Indulgance? - I have eaten so much food today it's untrue...
Presents? - Well I've given and received so many presents... got some I'm not overly keen on, some which are what I wanted, and some that have been made for me with such love, and have over-whelmed me, to the point of making me cry.... I've probably given presents people both love, and hate... Spending hours in shops trying to pick the right thing for the right person, hoping they'll love it, but not absolutley sure because I haven't seen them in such a long time...
Family arguments? - As always there are those wonderful niggles made to one another on Christmas day... it wouldnt be Christmas without those niggles, surely?!
Eastenders? - Ok, so not just Eastenders, but TV in general!
Soooo... none of that is what makes Christmas. I've had a lovely day, and barr a few family niggles towards relatives outside the immidiate family it has been wonderful to spend the day together with the people I love the most in the world. I have enjoyed cooking and eating Christmas dinner, and I have more than enjoyed giving and receiving presents, but admidst all that I forgot what Christmas was really about. God. I don't want to harp on about it, but ultimately it's true, and yet it's forgotton in the rush.... After I left church last night I got home, watched TV and forgot about my faith, trust and passion for Christ. Is that true faith, trust and passion? Well, probably not at that time, but that doesn't make my faith any less poigniant to my life, and lifestyle, and yet I still feel so guilty for indulging so much...
I can't help but reflect on those people who arent as fortunate as me, or those in the world who arent really aware it's Christmas... It makes me feel guilty.
I'm listening to some of the Taize tracks I have on my iPod at the moment... and am reminded of simplicity... and yet that sentance seems to contravene itself... iPod and simplicity...
Seriously though, I am remidned of simplicity, and how nice it was to go away to Taize and live in such simplicity. I long for that, and still can't help but question where God is calling me to. Is there some kind of inbetween... I still have that thought God may be calling me to become a nun, and yet I have so much passion for working out in the world... and I am so so desperate to have a family and adopt. Is there not some inbtween where I can have both? Or is that going against the concept of simplicity?
Am I only wanting to become a nun because I dislike the complexity of life, and want to run away from it, because I lack courage to stick it out? Is it because I have no idea what I want to do, and therefore it's easier to stick my head in the sand? I've got to say, I think both of these things are highly possible, and the fact I'm so scared of never marrying and having a family that it would be easier to stop that myself and have control over it, rather than letting God take control... now that most definitley is NOT a reason to become a nun!
I am utterly confused at the moment, and a blog that was meant to be about Christmas, has suddenly diverted quite a way, and I am reflecting on my future... It's all so very confusing, it really is...
Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul de lui vient mon salut Oui sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose, se repose en paix.
- In God alone my soul can find rest and peace, In God my peace and joy. Only in God my soul can find its rest, find its rest and peace.
This genuinely isn't meant to be a depressing post. I'm the happiest I've ever been recently, however I'm also the most reflective and quite possibly the most lost I've ever been. This Christmas has been absolutley wonderful, it really has. I've loved every minute of it! I think my life just lacks any kind of simplicity, and as much as I like some types of complexity, simplicty would always be welcommed!
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