I so desperatly want to start writing again, but I just dont know where to start... I've got no inspiriation, and it makes me sad. I love poetry. Some of it is so eloquent, so flowing, and generally just beautifully written with so much meaning and heart behind it.

I miss reading it... Most of all I miss writing it.

I want to regain that talent...

I spent yesterday afternoon sorting through an old file of mine from last year. Wow. It’s so strange looking back at Oasis Frontline and working in Woodley. It all seems like a distant memory now. I didn’t really enjoy a lot of the time I spent in Woodley, very few people understood me, and though I had a couple of really good friends, I mostly felt like a fish out of water. I so desperately wanted to chuck the whole year in, but didn’t because I don’t give up… no matter how much I hate something I won’t give up or be defeated by it…

It’s weird. I’ve just been reflecting on how much I’ve changed since then, and have realised that no matter how little I thought I’d changed I was actually completely wrong. I’ve changed so much. Just in terms of letting go of the depression a little bit, and facing up to stuff I didn’t necessarily want to face up to.

Only now, a year on from moving away from Woodley do I realise why I was so down there. I desperately wanted to be liked, and if that meant changing all my own personal views on the Christian Faith, and also the person I was, it would be done. And I did change. I changed myself a lot. I spent most of the time hiding under one huge façade, and only allowed myself to be truthful to one person, who I felt completely safe with and also felt like I could let down my barriers with… unfortunately that wasn’t God, which may have been where I went a bit wrong. Don’t get me wrong, that person was a massive help, and still is now, but sometimes, you need something a lot bigger than a person, and a relationship with someone who knows the true you no matter who you are on the surface… and the only one who can do that is God.

My personal relationship with God this year has polarised between to extremes. Most of this year I’ve spent struggling to believe for one reason or another, and then other times during this year I’ve never felt closer to Him. I guess most Christians can say that, and to be honest the nature of my personality probably doesn’t help either. I’m either all or nothing, drastically high or drastically low, and it’s kind of the same with God… either he is absolutely amazing, or totally non-existent. It’s confusing… but things seem to be evening out a lot, and God is a part of my life whether close or far away, I’m not massively high or massively low, but somewhere in between, and I’m not all or nothing, but instead a constant something… and you know, I really really like it!

For once I feel like I can be me, the person God actually created me to be, and the person God loves me for, and, I love it. If people like me for it, fantastic, if people don’t, well, it’s sad, and I still like to be liked by everyone, but it’s no biggy, and shouldn’t stop me from liking myself, or make me be somebody who I’m not.

So no, I’m not going to be somebody else anymore thank you very much. I am going to be me. I am going to be the person I like, my family likes, and my friends like, but most of all, the person God is moulding me to be. If you don’t like it, then you don’t have to, but it’s not going to upset me anymore or make me put the big façade I have continually put on for the past 7 or 8 years of my life.

Maybe a slightly thick question but...

How do you befriend other people on blogger, I've a few friends who have them, and I just don't get how to subscribe to their blogs. I hate computers, I just don't get it!!!

It's been quite a while since I last updated this blog. I guess I've just not had time and not really had a lot to say on it! Life has been fairly mediocre of late.... well... that was until I went to Taize a couple of weeks ago, and then things suddenly changed!!

Taize was amazing, but also got me thinking a lot. Conversations I had with certain individuals, and the silent time amongst others made me become painfully aware of a lot of things, that I didn't necessarily ever want to face. Anyway, I've decided you can't run away from stuff for ever... so I've actually started to face it. And it hurts... It's meant splitting up with Simon, and it's also meant starting life afresh.

It's not going to be easy, and right now I'm so emotional, but you know, I'm also very excited, and also really glad that God has made this stuff clear to me.

This week is a funny one. I'm feeling so lonely and need some mates to just go and do stuff with. I wish I had some around Leicester to do stuff with, or even people further a field up for doing stuff. I'm starting to wonder how many mates I do have, and how many are interested in actually going out... it's kind of worrying