Christmas time...

So Christmas has crept up on us, and then passed by within a blink of the eye. It's so strange. Every year without fail people spend such a long time preparing for Christmas, and then it's just gone... within a matter of hours...

This Christmas has been lovely, and yet now it's got to 11pm, it's all over, and that crashing down to the normal world comes, and I have become rather reflective on Christmas, what it means to be a Christian, etc etc...

For years I have hated Christmas. In all honesty, I miss my Gran. Christmas is a family time, and my Gran loved it so much. Yet this year we had all the family over and for the first time since my Gran died in 2003 I've genuinely looked forward to Christmas, and got as excited as a child. Its been a wonderful feeling, and today has been simply delightful, but it's over now... and I'm left reflecting on what it's all about...

Indulgance? - I have eaten so much food today it's untrue...

Presents? - Well I've given and received so many presents... got some I'm not overly keen on, some which are what I wanted, and some that have been made for me with such love, and have over-whelmed me, to the point of making me cry.... I've probably given presents people both love, and hate... Spending hours in shops trying to pick the right thing for the right person, hoping they'll love it, but not absolutley sure because I haven't seen them in such a long time...

Family arguments? - As always there are those wonderful niggles made to one another on Christmas day... it wouldnt be Christmas without those niggles, surely?!

Eastenders? - Ok, so not just Eastenders, but TV in general!

Soooo... none of that is what makes Christmas. I've had a lovely day, and barr a few family niggles towards relatives outside the immidiate family it has been wonderful to spend the day together with the people I love the most in the world. I have enjoyed cooking and eating Christmas dinner, and I have more than enjoyed giving and receiving presents, but admidst all that I forgot what Christmas was really about. God. I don't want to harp on about it, but ultimately it's true, and yet it's forgotton in the rush.... After I left church last night I got home, watched TV and forgot about my faith, trust and passion for Christ. Is that true faith, trust and passion? Well, probably not at that time, but that doesn't make my faith any less poigniant to my life, and lifestyle, and yet I still feel so guilty for indulging so much...

I can't help but reflect on those people who arent as fortunate as me, or those in the world who arent really aware it's Christmas... It makes me feel guilty.

I'm listening to some of the Taize tracks I have on my iPod at the moment... and am reminded of simplicity... and yet that sentance seems to contravene itself... iPod and simplicity...

Seriously though, I am remidned of simplicity, and how nice it was to go away to Taize and live in such simplicity. I long for that, and still can't help but question where God is calling me to. Is there some kind of inbetween... I still have that thought God may be calling me to become a nun, and yet I have so much passion for working out in the world... and I am so so desperate to have a family and adopt. Is there not some inbtween where I can have both? Or is that going against the concept of simplicity?

Am I only wanting to become a nun because I dislike the complexity of life, and want to run away from it, because I lack courage to stick it out? Is it because I have no idea what I want to do, and therefore it's easier to stick my head in the sand? I've got to say, I think both of these things are highly possible, and the fact I'm so scared of never marrying and having a family that it would be easier to stop that myself and have control over it, rather than letting God take control... now that most definitley is NOT a reason to become a nun!

I am utterly confused at the moment, and a blog that was meant to be about Christmas, has suddenly diverted quite a way, and I am reflecting on my future... It's all so very confusing, it really is...

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul de lui vient mon salut Oui sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose, se repose en paix.

- In God alone my soul can find rest and peace, In God my peace and joy. Only in God my soul can find its rest, find its rest and peace.

This genuinely isn't meant to be a depressing post. I'm the happiest I've ever been recently, however I'm also the most reflective and quite possibly the most lost I've ever been. This Christmas has been absolutley wonderful, it really has. I've loved every minute of it! I think my life just lacks any kind of simplicity, and as much as I like some types of complexity, simplicty would always be welcommed!

So, things have been really good these last few weeks. Just felt really at ease with things and content. I dont regularly get that feeling so to get that is really nice actually, and for it to stay with me :)

I've had my sister and her husband over today. It's been really nice to see them actually. They'd not managed to get over to see my flat till now, and have never really had a chance to see anything else, so it's been a really lovely day :)

I've had a lot of time of this week as have been absolutley exhausted. Not taken time off in a long time, so to get a week where I can actually take some time off and not do a lot has been really lovely.

I can't wait to go home for Christmas and see all my family :)

Poetry

Last night I spent time reading through some of the poetry I wrote when I was 14/15. It was really really odd reading them. Most of them were pretty depressing, and dark. I can't ever imagine me feeling low enough to write stuff like that anymore. I actually felt really good about reading them, because it made me think about how much I've matured and how my faith has matured, but also how much stronger I've become. It really did help me to realise that.

I guess sometimes I get really down (although actually havent done for a long while)... but when I do I end up feeling like it's the end of the world. And actually it's not. At all. Life goes on, and we become stronger with the crap that is thrown at us if we choose to let it strengthen us.

I'm really really happy at the moment. Really content and at ease with life. It's a wonderful feeling, and I thank God for it

I think it's that time of year...

Well, every year since I had my first blog I have reflected on the whole year and looked at all the things that have happened and how I've grown through them. It's definitley getting to that time of year, where I do that How exciting (or self obsessed, one of the two!!)

January

I genuinely don't remember all that much about January, other than struggling with depression, and getting booked in with the psychiatrist. It was a pretty intense month if I remember rightly, and I was really really low. It's so weird... I don't actually remember anything about it anything about it, apart from the fact it was a really hard month. But I got through it, and came out really well after a few months of it. And that's something that really excites me, because I realise that even in the depths of depression, there is hope, and that I can get through it, and be happy again. I think that's something well worth holding onto

February

February was a busy month. It was the comedy festival in Leicester, which happens every year, and is bloody marvellous! I cannot wait till next years. Simon and me went to quite a bit including Russell Brand, who was fantastic, though that was when I actually liked him... and we also went to a gig just around the corner from where I live now, at a place called 'Bambu' it was this comedy gig done by a Happy go Lucky Christian and a Manic Depressive Atheist. The contrast was fantastic and was very funny. My laugh also got mentioned in the Leicester Mercury. haha.

As well as Russell Brand I went to see Killers at Birmingham NEC Arena. I expected them to be fantastic, but I'm afraid I was greatly dissappointed. They were bland, and completley not suited to that venue. All very dissaopointing I feel.

Finally engagements... One weekend in February (I THINK it was the 11th and 12th) Simon asked me to marry him, so we got engaged... (more about this later) and My sister and S also got engaged the day after, which was very exciting!!!

March

March was also a pretty intense month if I remember rightly. I was waiting all month for my first Psychiatrist appointment, and that was fairly emotionally draining. After all the waiting it turned out to be a shocking and painful experience. Never again...

I also went to see the Howling Bells, who were really great. B and me went to see them in Nottingham Rescue Rooms, which is a fab little venue behind the Rock City. We sat upstairs and ate food, and I fell asleep during the support act who must have been pretty bad! Howling Bells were great though. We saw them supporting Placebo the previous December.

April

April was a pretty dull month really. I think I had my second, and final appointment with the psychiatrist, which was bloody awful. I got told I had an 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' whatever one of those is. Haha. A complete waste of time, and emotional energy. I'd never go back there again...

May

May was a pretty excellent month. I don't remember a lot, but I do remember going to see the Manics in Wolverhampton and Nottingham and they were impeccable, as always. I went to Wolverhampton with A and K, and it was lovely. We had an absolutley fab night! I then went to see them three days after in Nottingham at the Rock City, and it was well ace. That was my 10th Manics gig. We didn't get there very early, which upset me greatly because I wanted to get really close and I didn't think I'd stand a chance. But I got to the barrier for the first time ever at a Manics gig! Oooh it was good!

June

June was a pretty good month! I handed in my first year fieldwork, and on the same day A, B and me went to see the Manics in Leicester. It was one of the best nights out I'd had in a loooong time! After the gig had finished we went around the back of De Montfort Hall and we met them. They were so lovely. I was a little less obsessive, and hyper as I met them last time, so actually managed to have coherent conversations with them. Warrented the one with Sean was about his mum, and that really was a little obscure, but he started it!! After that we went back to mine, pretty much downed a bottle of wine and then we went to Mosh. It was suuuch a good night! We managed to get back mine for 5-5.30am the following morning and stumbled into bed.

As well as that I had my birthday, which was fairly ok, but lots of friends forget about it which was a little poo, and I was mega stressed out for it because of the Cathedral Open Day I was organising. Either way, Simon did his best to make me enjoy it, and I think I did.

The Cathedral Open Day was exhausting but went really well, and I was pleased with myself :)

July

July was a pretty intense month. It was Simons birthday which I have to say was lovely, and one of the nicest memories of being with him that I have, not that there aren't others. It was also my sisters and now brother in laws wedding, which was a truly wonderful, and magical day :) I was so proud of my big sis, and cried lots!! Then there was Taize. Wow. What an experience. I can honestly say it was probably the single most powerful, best, and worst week of my life. The day before we went I spent crying my eyes out. I genuinely didn't want to go. I have no idea why I was dreading it was much as I was, but I really was... I now have absolutley no idea why, apart from the fact it forced me to face upto a lot of things I really never wanted to face up to. But I'm so so glad I did. It was a genuinely amazing week, and it touched me in many ways. I have changed so much since then. To the point of my depression really changing. Yeah, sure I still have down days, but I have never been as low as I was before Taize. I learnt a lot about myself that week, and I still have a lot to learn, but it was the start of a new path for me, and I'm happy God has given me the chance to take it. Even thinking about that week gives me a feeling peace.

August

August was an odd month... at the beginning Simon and me split up, which was definitley the right thing to do. He was amazing, but it really wasn't right and I needed to get out of it. I learnt so much about myself in Taize, and I realised that while I was with Simon I could never have put that into practice, and it's still hard to do that now, but it's much much easier. I am actually starting to like myself :)

At the end of August I went to GreenBelt with K's young people, and it was really enjoyable. Went to some really good talks, which really made me think, and saw lots of people which was lovely :)

September

September was a month of self discovery and I learnt lots about myself, not all good. I drank far too much, spent far too much, and spent far too much time not really being an accountable youth worker. Actually, September challenged me, and made me realise just how much I adore my job, and desperatly want to be accountable to my young people. September was an amazing month, and I LOVED every minute of it, but it was also a huge learning curve, and I'm not sure I'd really want to go back there. For the first time in a long time though I felt at ease, and genuinely didn't care what people thought of me. I liked that :)

October

In october I went to see Robots in Disguise, and Rufus Wainwright, amongst lots of other things including going out lots, meeting new people. Another faaab month! Really enjoyed lots of it, but also had some tough moments. Anyway most of it was good :)

November

November was a bit drab. Didnt really do a lot apart from stress lots about college, do college work, and avoid college work. I also went home for my mums birthday, and my mum had a really lovely time. That made me happy. I like doing stuff for other people so much.

I also went to see Rilo Kiley in London. It wasn't really all that great actually. The gig was proper dull, and the company wasnt much better... Sometiemes gigs can be crap, but the company kind of makes up for it, or vice versa, but this was just not good.

December

Well life is pretty good. It's only the 6th December, but I've already been to see Crowded House, and they were absolutley fantastic. Good gig, good company, completley the opposite to Rilo Kiley!!

I'm really looking forward to going home for Christmas, and trying to catch up with some friends before that.

There's a few complexities in life at the moment, but I'm happy, and feel a real inner peace. I like that

I've learnt a lot this year about myself, and there's a lot more to learn, but I'm happy, and content.

Life and the Power of Prayer...

Things have been really busy lately. I ended up getting dragged into loads of things at the weekend, and can honestly say I can't remember the last full day I had off. I am feeling exhausted and so ready for a break.

Amidst the exhaustion, I have forgotton the things that are genuinely important to me, including spending time with friends, chatting to family, and a variety of other things, but probably the most important thing is spending time with God. Having a job in ministry is fantastic, and ultimately where I feel called to be, however so often it becomes a job, not a vocation. I forget the reasons behind doing it, and forget that I should talk to God about stuff, but more importantly completley forget to listen to God.

Things have been really complicated just lately for one reason or another, and I've got to say things have really got on top of me. I had coffee with a friend today, and it was immensly powerful. We spent time talking about important stuff, and in all honesty it drained me, as life seems to have been doing a lot lately. After that we prayed together. If I'm honest I've not actually sat down and prayed for a long time, and certainly not reflected or listened to Gods word. The feeling of peace was over-whelming, it really was. There's been a couple of situations I've felt genuinely uneasy about lately, and yet praying to God about them today meant I was able to hand them over to God, and actually let Him take over. It was amazing, and I genuinely feel an inner peace about the situation.

Since I got back from Taize my personal faith has become a lot more important to me, and I've spent much more time than I used to reflecting on my faith, on God, and on God in life situations. However, recently, amongst the busyness of life, I seem to have lost this completley. I really need to spend more time with God, listening to Him, and just being.