Taizé 2008

On Monday morning I got back from Taizé. In truth, I am still trying to process everything it meant to me this year. But I want to try and explain it as best as I can, for my own reasons more than anything. To try and process some of my thoughts and some of the experiences I had.

As I have previously said in this blog, part of me was genuinely dreading going. I expected it to be a time where I had to face up to things. A time that was painful, and a time where I would be left alone with my problems, to deal with them, and get over them. It wasn't any of those things. OK. To an extent I had to think things through. If I'm honest I didn't ever stop thinking. But it was powerful. I spoke with God. I shouted at God. And I blamed God. But still i felt close to Him. it's hard to explain, and hard to comprehend. But it was powerful. Sitting in God's presence, recognising that in fact he had not abandoned me was immense. Sitting in silence and being able to shout to God was an undeniably necessary experience. I felt guilt over it, genuinely guilty. Thinking that this was something I should not be doing. But it was necessary.

During the time I was in Taizé we spent a lot of time studying Revelation 1-3. On passage stood out to me more than anything:

'12I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, 13and among the lampstands was someone "like a son of man,"[b]dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. 14His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. 15His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. 16In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades' (Revelation 1:12-17). Jesus is undoubtedly fully God. But he is fully human. That in some ways is something that is simple because Christians have always been taught just that. Yet to actually accept it becomes more difficult. I guess it is something I have frequently taken for granted, but often not recognised the implications of it.

Recently I have felt out of my depths. Like God is not with me, and that he has truly abandoned me. yet here, in Revelation we are reminded of Jesus, the friend - 'When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!'. To put a hand on someones shoulder is a friendly gesture, a sign of love, of acceptance.... safety. Something I did not feel Christ was doing to me. I saw Him as God of power, the initial description of him something more reasonable. Yet in Taizé it genuinely felt like God was telling me that I should not just see Christ as this, or in fact as someone I should receive solely through the Holy Spirit. But actually that I can receive him, and see him through my friends as well. That the friends I have are there and have Christ in them, and are willing to stand by me, listen to me, and accept me for who I am.

Maybe this sounds trite. Maybe flippant, but to me it's been powerful, and a great comfort.

I do not feel as if I can explain the feelings, and way I felt in Taizé without it sounding less of an experience than it was. But is was wonderful. Yes painful, yes, in someways lonely. But it was huge. And simply life changing once again. Taizé is so simple, yet so powerful. I cannot explain it, it would not do it justice. I do not want it to come across that my faith begins and ends at Taizé , but Taizé is a place I can almost go back to the heart of it, but with Jesus, and renew my faith in Him so that I can come back home and continue living.