It was residential this week. I think I've finally got to a point where I have to be willing to accept that I actually do have mental health issues. And that as much as I'd like to continue denying it, I've been doing that for the last 7-9 years of my life, and it's gotten me nowhere. Sooo. Instead of just trying to get on with life and denying the way I feel, and how to deal with it, I've decided it may just be best if I actually try and deal with the underlying issues. This is hard because so far I've just had a really negative response from counsellors etc, and have got to a point where I guess I'm genuinely scared of trustsing people fully.

However, this week at residential I kind of feel like I had to be willing to start working things through and putting systems in place to enable me to even think about breaking free from the chains that seem to be keeping me down. I have worked it with course tutors and we have arranged I'll speak to one of them on a regular basis, and as well as that I'll speak to my line manager for a short period of time once a week when possible, and then have contact with the doctor and therapist, and also have all my friends who genuinely seem to love and care for me.

i guess the thing that has been most hard is to accept that all of these people genuinely care for me, and genuinely want to see me get better. I realy want to do it, but I'm so scared that I just dont have the strength, and that if I don't manage it, it will seem like I am letting people down. My course have been absolutley amazing about everything, and they worked so hard with me last week. To finally totally admit I need help, and that I'm willing to try and do as much as I can with other people if they're willing to help was probably the hardest thing in my life. For so long I've been in denial, and then although I've accepted it recently, the last two months I have been too scared to even start thinking about thinking through ways forward. But I'm ready now. I dont know whether I'll ever be 'truly happy' whatever that maybe. Maybe I will... but when I've felt like this for so long I have to be willing to at least accept I MAY always suffer from some form of mental illness. But I guess I just have to trust that there is hope and that there is people that really care. And at least with them I can at least try and start working on a way of feeling better.